More questions and answers

1. Can you cook? God, no! At least I can boil water, though. I lived on spaghetti and ramen noodles for many years until I got married. My husband cooks!
2. What was your dream growing up? To live happily ever after, whatever that meant. I never had a particular thing that I wanted to do, I just wanted to be happy wherever I ended up.
3. What talent do you wish you had? To be able to sing. I can't carry a tune in a bucket.
4. Favorite place? At home with my animals and husband. It feels so safe and secure, not like the world outside, which is sometimes a dangerous place.
5. Favorite vegetable? Carrots.
6. What was the last book you read? The Happy Hooker Crochet book. One of the best books I have read in a long time on the subject.
7. What zodiac sign are you? Libra, sign of the scales, wanting balance in my life and in others lives. So true.
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Nope. I've thought about it, but can't get over that I wouldn't be able to remove it (unless I had expensive surgery). I just can't commit!
9. Worst Habit? Eating too much sugar. I am completely and hopelessly addicted to anything sugary. If I cut out of my diet most of the sugar I eat on a day-to-day basis, I could probably lose 10 pounds in only a couple days. (but I would surely have to be put in a straight-jacket too).
10. What is your favorite sport? Don't have one. I wish I did. Most people I know are passionate about and enjoy watching football, but it still bores me. Couldn't care any less.
11. Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude? Negative! I really tried to be positive, but too many bad things happen in the world; they outweigh the positive.
12. What is one weird fact about you? I can flare my nostrils. Also, when I put towels and dishes away after washing them, I put them on the bottom of the stack so the ones that are already there will have a chance to be used next time. I guess that was two weird facts, instead of one.
13. Do you have any pets? A dog and two cats. See my other posts about them - there are many!
14. Do you know how to do the Macarena? NO. And don't wanna!
15. What time is it where you are now? 3:30 p.m.
16. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary and sinister! I won't have them in my house.
17. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? If I could just snap my fingers and have it be instant? Lose 30 pounds. I really only need to lose 20, but another 10 wouldn't kill me. I wish liposuction wasn't so gross (and dangerous) (and expensive) or I would do it!
18. What color eyes do you have? Hazel
19. Ever been arrested? Nope, I have always been very well-behaved.
20. Bottle or Draft? Neither; don't like beer. I like Kool-Aid and Root Beer.
21. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
Pay off some credit cards, give some to members of my family. We all could use a little extra cash.
22. What's your favorite bar to hang at? Don't have one, but if I did, it would be completely non-smoking and you could bring your dog! They would serve dog biscuits too.
23. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes! I have never seen one, but know people who have and I believe them.
24. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Crochet or knit. If someone would pay me to sit there and crochet all day I would be a very very happy person.
25. Do you swear a lot? OH, yes. At work, while driving, etc.
26. Biggest pet peeve? People who drive below the speed limit. If you need to do that, fine, but pull over once in awhile and let others by!
27. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Complicated.

Dammit

I am angry about two things today:

1) The pet food recall. I had been feeding my dog Treif Nutro Natural pouch food, which is SUPPOSED to be a high-quality dog food, when it turns out that it is manufactured by the same place that has the contamination. THE SAME PLACE that other crappy, store brands are made. WTF? I thought this kind of dog food was supposed to be superior? I feel like an idiot and I feel like the Nutro company and all other pet food companies are liars and can't be trusted. So what the hell do I feed my dog now?

So far, Treif is doing ok, even though the pouches I had been feeding him were on the list of recalled food.

2) Discrimination against fat people. Who the f#%&!! cares if someone is fat. I am about 20 pounds overweight and I am tired of feeling bad about myself. I just love to eat. It is one of life's pleasures and yes, sometimes it is what gets me up every day (the thought that there is cake at work today, or there is a candy bar down in the kitchen that I saved for today). Call me pathetic if you want, but I don't care. You can kiss my big fat butt! :)

Things I Remember About Elementary School

I went to a little seven-room school. One room for each grade, a multipurpose room (for art classes, gymnastics, cafeteria, and for whatever!) and one room for the library/music room.

First grade - I remember when we had nap time, we all were supposed to put our heads on our desks and rest/sleep. I fell asleep one time, and when I woke was held up as a positive example for doing what I was supposed to do (apparently not much sleep went on during these "nap times"). I also remember coveting a particular toy and wishing I could take it home.

Second grade - I was such a good speller and reader I got to go to the first grade room and read a story. I read "Curious George flies a kite" (I still have that book). I also got in trouble in second grade numerous times. Once for making fun of a girl, who was very pretty, for falling behind in our readers (I boasted out loud that I was better). The teacher yelled at me and I felt angry that the "pretty girl" bested me that way. I also, when frantic about catching the bus, got in trouble for pulling my coat out from under a girl and flipping her on her butt. I didn't like her anyway.

Third grade - I remember Mrs. Odie. I adored her. One time she scolded me for something and I was crushed. I don't remember what it was that I did.

Fourth grade - I remember the girls being ushered into another room for a "special" filmstrip (about becoming a "woman"). The boys were jealous and wanted to go too ("why do they get to watch a movie and not us?"). I remember wishing I could go out on the playground with them instead of having to watch the filmstrip.

Fifth grade - I just loved Mr. Gorbutt. I think he still teaches to this day (he was my teacher in 1977). I learned a lot from him. He was really funny and smart. There are too many things I remember about this grade to mention here. It would have to be another post. It was about this time that life got more complicated: in the coming year I would lose a friend (killed by a drunk driver after he hit her with his car while she was on her bike), I would lose lots of friends who decided that I wasn't worth knowing anymore (once we got into junior high and mingled with new kids from other elementary schools), and other hardships (or so they seemed when I was a child). It was when I learned to hate school because of the mean kids in it.

Other things about elementary school: 1) Miss Paris, the hippie music teacher. One song I remember singing was "Song Sung Blue" (by Neil Diamond). 2) In fifth grade, we made up a restaurant called "Kountry Kitchen" and made menus and invited parents to it (in our multipurpose room!). I was in charge of making sausage in the skillet and I was afraid of it because it was hot. 3) the tornado drills - we had to go to the "library/music room" and crouch underneath gymnastic mats together. One time we actually did it for real, but no tornado came. 4) In gym class, I was afraid to do a forward-roll. I practiced at home, and when I finally did it, I just wanted to keep doing them! It was fun. 5) My gym teacher Mr. Bouchard used to play the Bee Gees during our gym class. I didn't like him. Not because of that, though. 6) During recess, I would sit on the sidewalk leaning against the wall of the school, and I would crochet chains, practicing what my grandmother taught me. 7) Our field days! There would be games and races and prizes (I liked the cakewalk); one time during one of those things I got my thumb shut in a window and it really hurt. 8) Playing with my friend Joanna, who I would later attend school with all the way to graduation, but we were never close like we were in elementary school. We would pretend we were horses. My horse name was Fran. One time we were so engrossed in playing we didn't hear the recess bell and were late getting back to class. Joanna liked doritos a lot (especially the salty ones!). Joanna later died when she was 31 of breast cancer. I still think of her often.

I am sure no one is interested in my memories, but I just wanted to get them down on "paper" (or in this case, cyberspace).

Questions

I have been posting in my blog quite a bit these past few days. I just have a lot of stuff to say!


1. What is your occupation? I am a Research Technician in a (Neuro)Psychiatry Research lab.

2. What color are your socks right now? I am not wearing any!

3. What are you listening to right now? My stepson jumping around downstairs yelling.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? A granola bar.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Nope!

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My husband.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? No one sent this to me, I stole it off of someone's blog when I was doing a google blog search!

8. How old are you today? 40, but I feel 25

9. Favorite drink? Goose Island Root Beer

10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Golf, but not really

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, blonde, black, and auburn (but not all at once)

12. Pets? One dog and two cats

13. Favorite food? Chocolate!

14. What was the last movie you watched? Star Wars III on cable ("If you are not with me, then you are my enemy")

15. Favorite day of the year? Usually my birthday

16. How do you vent anger? by eating or sleeping or ranting. It depends.

17. What was your favorite toy as a child? My stuffed Snoopy dolls

18. What is your favorite season? Autumn, without a doubt

19. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries

20. Do you want your friends to email you back? Of course

21. Who is most likely to respond? Amy

22. Who is least likely to respond? Susan

23. Living arrangements? Live with my husband and my stepson (50% of the time)

24. When was the last time you cried? A few days ago.

25. What is on the floor of your closet? Storage boxes

26. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? I am not sending this to anybody

27. What did you do last night? Worked on my knitting spool, wrote in my blog, played with my dog, ate chocolate.

28. What are your favorite smells? Coffee and beer. Oddly enough, I don't like the taste of either.

29. What inspires you? Honestly? A sunny day.

30. What are you afraid of? Losing someone I love.

31. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Plain, but with ketchup and onions.

32. Favorite dog breed? I like any kind of small dog. Jack Russell, Boston Terrier, etc.

33. Number of keys on your key ring? 5, I think.

34. How many years at your current job? almost 4, but have been in this type of work over 11

35. How many states have you lived in? Two, born in Michigan, now I live in Indiana

36. Favorite day of the week? Fridays!

37. Favorite holiday? I don't like holidays.

My Imagini

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

My "Children"

I have more pics at the site below. One page is of Treif when he was sick with a skin infection, but he is all better now! He was on antibiotics for almost 3 months.

http://mypage.iu.edu/~pamkelle/pictures.html

Our beloved pets

A blogger that I frequent (Sonya) is mourning the death of her precious dog Cia http://sonyasthoughts.blogspot.com/2007/03/tell-me-you-didnt-say-goodbye.html. I have never met her or her dog, but I am still very sad about it. It made me think of all the animals that have come and gone from my life and how very important they are/were. I believe our pets are family members, just as important as the humans. They all have their individual unique personalities, just as we do. Sonya wrote more eloquently about it than I could ever hope to (since I am not much of a writer). I wish that I could find a way to express in words how I feel about my animals like she did about Cia. My heart goes out to her for this terrible loss.

For all but one (so far) of my animals, I have not been present at the moment of their death. Either the animals died alone outside (our dogs Skipper and Sandy) or my parents were with them when they were euthanized (dog Sheba, and cats Sweet-Pea, Tappy, and Bart). It was a wrenching experience for them, very sad and I am sure they are still in mourning. Maybe not as intense as when it first happened, but mourning in their way none-the-less. I dread the day that I have to say good-bye to the animals I have now. Ladybug, my cat, is getting up in years and starting to have medical problems. Treif is an old dog (I adopted him just this past May); I never even knew him when he was a puppy and a young dog. So I will not have many years with him. Ladybug was also older when I adopted her and I will not have as many years with her either. I hope that I can be strong when the day comes that I must say good-bye. And I desperately hope that I will see all my animals again someday.

"Heaven - all the animals that ever loved you will be waiting at the gate!". If they are not there, then I don't want to go!!

Another childhood creation

My father's hobby was rehabilitating birds of prey. So I made this buzzard!

Where did my creativity go?

My grandmother taught me how to crochet when I was about 8 years old. From there until I was in my mid-teens I crocheted all the time! I never followed patterns, and I used my imagination to make such things like the above. I had (and still have) quite a collection of crocheted clothes for my snoopys!

Now I marvel at the creativity I used to possess.

As an adult, I have to consult books in order to learn certain patterns to crochet. Why can't I just invent something like I did when I was a kid? I wonder if it's because my brain is now filled with grown-up thoughts (paying the bills and such), so I don't have any room for creativity anymore. Or maybe no time for creativity anymore.

More about my former evil boss

From a previous post (http://auntpama.blogspot.com/2007/01/work-regrets.html )I talked about my previous boss, who was such an unpleasant person to work for:

Here are two things she said to me that I still remember: Once, when I was just starting to work for her and she piled all the work on me and I was frantically trying to get it done - I had to skip lunch, and I was so thirsty my lips were cracking and bleeding - she noticed that I was really upset, and she said "Well, it's not MY fault you're so slow!".

Another time, I was upset about an abnormal pap smear (which later resolved itself, thankfully), and I confided in her about it. She said "Don't worry! Only PROSTITUTES have those kinds of problems!" Gee thanks, boss.

She would also have me lie to other people. For instance, if she didn't want someone in another lab to borrow or use something of "hers", she would tell me to tell them it wasn't working, or she was using it, etc. But she had no problem with using their stuff.

I think she was probably the most selfish person I had ever met.

My good cat Cricket

She rarely ever wakes me up at night!

A little scamp...

My cat LadyBug is a little scamp. Or my husband calls her another name that I shouldn't print here. The problem is she keeps me awake a good portion of the night. It all begins about 5 minutes after lights out - she comes up onto the bed with me and starts pawing at my face. Or, she will start knocking things off my bedside table, or she will go elsewhere in the room and make any kind of noise so that I will get up. Usually she finds some paper or something and paws and scratches at it incessantly. Believe me, it is very loud and unpleasant.

So what I do is I get up and go downstairs with her and feed her a small can of Fancy Feast. My other cat Cricket will usually come along to see what we're doing and have a little nosh too. Then LadyBug will eat only a small portion of the food, and then leave the rest. Also, I usually have to sit with her while she eats.

After I go back to bed, sometimes as little as 20 minutes later she is at it again: knocking things over, scratching my face, etc. So I go downstairs again with her. This time she will not eat what is sitting there. It has to be fresh. I try anything to make her happy so she will let me sleep. Tuna, treats, etc.

Recently, she doesn't even want to eat at all. I go down to feed her and she will just look at it and turn up her nose. Sometimes she won't even come with me into the kitchen; she will just watch from afar. And when I try to go get her, she will run and hide underneath the kitchen table.

I cannot figure out what her problem is. I have tried playing with her for awhile before bed (to tire her out), I have tried shutting her in a cage at night (but she rattles on it so I can't sleep through that either), I have tried shutting her out of our room (but she just scratches at the door and I can't sleep through that). I am now thinking of giving her some kind of sedative before bed. I don't want to; but I need to get sleep!

On top of that, my dog Treif usually needs to go potty at least once during the night. So when I do that, that will stir up LadyBug again and she will be all over me.

I realize that my getting up and dealing with her is just reinforcing her behavior. However, not dealing with her is worse to me. I don't like finding all my stuff on the floor in the morning, or finding papers with claw marks on them lying around. I can't sleep through the scratching sounds on the door or the rattling of the cage.

My husband says to shut her in the garage where we can't hear her, but it is not a heated garage. It is way too cold, and she is an old cat. That would be cruel.

So I continue with lack of sleep every day and try to make up for it on the weekends.

My Mother

Wasn't she pretty? This picture was taken around 1960 - she is holding my sister.

As I get older I am getting into looking at old pictures and reminiscing. We all look so young. I especially marvel over ones of me as a teen and young adult, when I thought I was really fat, when actually I looked quite attractive. What was I thinking? I wish I had realized then how I actually looked. The mind is a powerful thing, making you "see" what is not actually there.

Work Regrets

Years ago I worked as a Research Technician for a woman in the field of dentistry. I had graduated from college relatively late in life (early 30's) and it took me a year to find a job in a research lab, and she hired me. It was very low-paying but I was happy to have a job.

Just a few days into the job, I realized that this woman was going to be very difficult to work for. She was not liked by any of the other researchers in the lab, and she did not treat me well. I hung in there because I needed the job and did not want to spend another year looking. Also, she could be a nice person sometimes, and I think I clung to that. In hindsight, I think she had major mental problems (narcissism and a tendency to be passive-aggressive).

Anyhoo, to this day I still try to examine what happened with her and why I stuck around for so long. I even moved to another state to continue working for her. By this time (2 years) we had developed a working relationship that was tolerable, or so I thought. I think I was lying to myself. Looking back, I don't think going home and crying and dreading to go to work every Sunday evening was very healthy. I remember even having two fights with her where she stormed out of the lab and left me crying.

Finally after almost six years of working for her, I just lost it. I knew that there was an opening in a lab that a friend of mine knew about and I grabbed it. Then, I panicked. Instead of going to her and calmly telling her I was leaving, I E-MAILED her my resignation. She was furious and barely spoke to me the rest of the time I was there (about a month). After all those years slaving for her and putting up with her unusual personality (she continued to piss people off even in her next position) I got NOTHING - no thanks for your hard work, let's keep in touch, etc. In fact, when I told her I expected her to call me if she needed any help or had questions, she adamantly refused on the pretense of "not wanting to bother me in my new job". I knew better. She HATED me now, because I dared to leave her - and she no longer had any control over me.

Why, then, do I continue to think about her and wish that we could have remained friends? Do I yearn for her approval? I remember always trying to please her, but it was quite a difficult thing to do because nothing ever was good enough for her. As expected, after I left, she published a paper that I should have been an author on, but instead she bumped me to the acknowledgements. I suppose I was lucky to even get that.

I think now she works somewhere in Buffalo, N.Y. still in dentistry.

I regret so much being such a wuss all those years and letting her walk all over me. I am sure that contributed to her lack of respect for me and thus the way she treated me (like a slave).

Food Ponderings...

This is some sushi at Monaghan's Fish Market in Ann Arbor, Michigan, that my husband ate for lunch one day while we were visiting.

YUCK!!! I had a bottle of pop and a bag of potato chips instead.

My husband and I have wildly different food preferences. He likes more sophisticated food, and my preferences are more child-like. For example, mac and cheese, any kind of junk food like french fries, and lots of sweet stuff like ice cream and especially chocolate! I can't go a day without it. Whereas my husband likes wine, beer, martini's etc., I like root beer, kool-aid, juice, etc. I don't think my food tastes ever grew up, and I most probably never grew up either.

My husband likes watching the Food Network, and also shows like "Top Chef". He appreciates the chef's skill and sometimes makes comments about how good the food looks that they make. But I am not the slightest bit interested (unless it's a gooey chocolate dessert or something). Things like sushi, fish, and any other kind of seafood are completely unappetizing to me. But he loves it! It has to be kosher, though, or he won't eat it.

How do we cope with such differences? We just sometimes make separate dinners! Or if we go out to a seafood restaurant, I can get by with breaded fish and chips or something. The less it looks and tastes like a fish, the better. My husband eats whole fish, even the head! I think that is so unusual, but apparently I am the one that is in the minority, since probably more than half the world eats fish that way. I guess I just grew up sheltered in that respect. Family dinners only ever consisted of hot dogs, goulash, tuna noodle casserole, spaghetti, and sometimes pot roast on the weekends. Maybe it was because my mother worked and was too tired to try anything new or more complicated. Then, sometime during my teens she decided not to cook anymore, and from then on she and my father went to Big Boy's EVERY NIGHT for dinner. They either brought me and my siblings take-0ut from there, or we would make something simple like spaghetti ourselves. From there I never developed a taste for sophistication.

My life lately

Treif has been taking up so much of my time since he has been sick, that I have been not paying as much attention to my cats Ladybug and Cricket. Sure I feed them like I always do, but there is not as much cuddling and playing with them as there used to be. I just don't have the time anymore. I feel terrible about it.

At work, I am starting to feel pressure. I've been told we are going to apply for another grant so they need me to perform lots more qRT-PCR's and other experiments for it. So I feel like it is all up to me. Don't screw up! I am already having trouble with one of my standard curves. I do not know what is going on or if I am doing anything wrong. I never had any trouble like this before.

At home, I realize I am not keeping the house as clean as it should be. All I want to do is sit in bed with my animals and crochet or knit. The floors need mopping and vacuuming, the kitchen counters are a mess, the bathrooms are a mess, and the animal's room where I feed them is a disaster area.

I don't want to be a grown-up! Or at least I wish I was rich so I could hire someone to clean for me. And then I wouldn't have to work either. That would be great! Dream on.

I would want to hide too...

...if I had your problems! I spent $200 at the vet getting a second opinion of my dog's problems. It was worth it, because i feel like I can really help him now.

He gets a bath twice a week with medicated shampoo to help his skin feel better from his skin infection. He gets an antibiotic for the next 21 days. He gets an ear cleanser to help with his waxy ears. He gets a pill to help him with his diarrhea. I can't help him with his cataracts, his ataxia, or his neurological problems (either a brain tumor or spinal cord problem) but I can try to make him more comfortable. This new vet thinks he is more than 10 years old. So the rescue group I got him from lied to me or were misinformed. They thought he was 5 to 7 years old.

I guess I sure know how to pick 'em. But I just love him so much, almost from the moment I saw him. I just have to watch my budget now and not spend so much money on stuff. It helps that I didn't spend much on x-mas presents this year (I am Jewish, but I still buy gifts for my parents and nephews and nieces, since they are not Jewish). And I was going to buy my husband an expensive cell phone, but it will have to wait now! :)

Helping an Old Dog

We have had our dog Treif since May. He has so many problems! The latest is a staph skin infection and I have to give him 1/2 a Baytril pill every day. It is not easy. He won't let me push it down his throat so I have to keep coming up with ways for him to take it willingly. I put the pill in hamburger, cheese, sausage, and I used to use peanut butter, but I am thinking he might be allergic to that (which caused him to get a skin infection in the first place).

He also has episodes like alzheimer's and sometimes will pee on the floor before I have a chance to get him outside. I can literally be putting on my coat and reaching down to put his leash on, and he will start to pee.

But God I love him. I can't believe how much. He is so cute!

Going back on meds!

I was ok for awhile, stepping down my dosage. I was in my third week of being on 25mg per day and I realized I was in a very dark place. I just felt so dark and gloomy. It kind of came on gradually. This could have been another "discontinuation syndrome" symptom. But I didn't want to wait around and find out. I hate the idea of being on Zoloft my whole life, but I guess my life is about half-over anyway (I am 40). And now zoloft is available in generic form so it only costs $8 per month for me (it used to be $20).

I guess things could be worse.

Research animals

Today I was upset about seeing some rats being experimented on in the lab I work in. It made me think (although there are other times I think about this stuff too):

Everything, down to the blue-algae in the sea, is full of life, and is also food to some predator. How can I be upset to see what goes on in a laboratory, when I myself eat hamburgers, turkey, chicken, etc. Where do I think they came from? They, too, were slaughtered (and probably not humanely) so that we can eat. I always hoped that all animals had a soul - even though most religions claim only humans do. How could that be? Just because we are more highly developed, we are still animals, just like those rats - what makes us so different? Our intelligence (or so-called intelligence)? How do we know that rats don’t have their own kind of intelligence, or are even self-aware as we are? Or cats? Or dogs? Just because we don’t understand them and how they think, doesn’t mean we can use them at will for whatever purposes we see fit. Or does it? Because we are at the top of the food chain, does that give us a right to take the lives of any kind of animal for our own purposes?

But on the other hand, if someone told me that my husband, my nephews, or ANYONE, was sick and going to die unless they could find a cure (using animal research), I would be for it!

I am such a hypocrite!

And what if NONE of us has a soul? Then why are we here? What is the point of life? Why should we all try to be “good” then?