Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Crochet snake
This is a snake I crocheted for my nephew. It is supposed to be modeled after his favorite Neopet, Cobrall. So I used freeform crochet and a little bit of embroidery (BAD embroidery, but it will do) for the eyes. And the side head flaps look more like ears, but I don't feel like taking them off and doing them over!
Friday, April 04, 2008
Doilies
I really like making them, but who uses them anymore? They are really more like works of art. This doily I made from a pattern in the book Crocheted Lace, by Pauline Turner. There are many more patterns (or Motifs) in this book I would like to make. Maybe I will make a big tablecloth.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Crochet Spider
I feel like my blog is now turning into a crochet blog! I become more obsessed with crochet everyday.
Anyway, when I was a child, I crocheted a spider - I just did it as I went along (I guess that would be "freeform" crochet?). Here is a picture of it (it is over 25 years old, so it isn't in great shape!).
On Sunday I decided to see if I could still do it - so I crocheted this black spider. However, I am at a loss as to what to do with it's face. I need advice! Does anyone have any ideas? Should I do the same thing as with my old spider, with felt eyes?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Tunisian stitch shawl
I bought these really cool Easy Tunisian Cable Hooks on ebay a few months ago. They are sizes M, N, and P which are large hooks that you don't see very often with cable hooks.
When I received the package I took out one of the hooks, and it immediately broke! The end of the hook, where the cable connects, just snapped. Later, when I was using one of the other hooks, it too snapped, in the same place. I emailed the woman who sold it to me, and she gave me a discount. She looked into it and found out that the company (Annie's Attic) had discontinued the item (perhaps because of design flaws??).
So I bought some Duck Tape (yes, Duck Tape, not Duct Tape) and taped the cable back to the hook, and was able to make one of the patterns that came in the package. The Duck Tape surface is smooth and didn't "catch" any of the yarn as it glided over the hook, so there were no problems with the yarn getting caught or frayed.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Black Elk quote
I was reading a book called "Goodbye, Friend" by Gary Kowalski (about losing a pet) and saw this quote:
"We should understand well that all things are the work of the Great Spirit. We should know the Great Spirit is within all things: the trees, the grasses, the rivers, the mountains, and the four-legged and winged peoples; and even more important, we should understand that the Great Spirit is also above all these things and peoples. When we do understand all this deeply in our hearts, then we will fear, and love, and know the Great Spirit, and then we will be and act and live as the Spirit intends" - Black Elk
More information on Black Elk is here.
"We should understand well that all things are the work of the Great Spirit. We should know the Great Spirit is within all things: the trees, the grasses, the rivers, the mountains, and the four-legged and winged peoples; and even more important, we should understand that the Great Spirit is also above all these things and peoples. When we do understand all this deeply in our hearts, then we will fear, and love, and know the Great Spirit, and then we will be and act and live as the Spirit intends" - Black Elk
More information on Black Elk is here.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Food
I love to eat. I mean I REALLY love to eat. What is it about food that is so appealing? I know we need to eat food for its nutrients, and shouldn't that be the only reason? Ancient people ate food to survive. I eat food because it tastes good. Often during the day I think about what I could eat next, when I could eat next... and it most often involves food that has lots of sugar. I can't drink just water. It has to be water filled with sugar (i.e., Kool-Aid, or Soda). I can't eat just a granola bar, it has to be a granola bar filled with sugar and chocolate.
Chocolate. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't eat any. I keep chocolate bars in the pantry in case I am seized with the urge to eat chocolate. I keep chocolate chips in the refrigerator, and eat handfuls of them at various times during the day. I feel like it is "fuel" or something.
Growing up, my parents let me and my siblings eat pretty much what we wanted. Food was always a big part of our family, especially sugary foods. I know now, that it was their way of saying they loved me, and perhaps I still eat sugary foods because I equate it with love. I am not big on psychotherapy anymore, since I have been through lots of it and still don't feel like it has helped, but there may be something to it in this case.
Chocolate. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't eat any. I keep chocolate bars in the pantry in case I am seized with the urge to eat chocolate. I keep chocolate chips in the refrigerator, and eat handfuls of them at various times during the day. I feel like it is "fuel" or something.
Growing up, my parents let me and my siblings eat pretty much what we wanted. Food was always a big part of our family, especially sugary foods. I know now, that it was their way of saying they loved me, and perhaps I still eat sugary foods because I equate it with love. I am not big on psychotherapy anymore, since I have been through lots of it and still don't feel like it has helped, but there may be something to it in this case.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Am I neurotic?
I was just thinking this morning that I am feeling so overwhelmed in my job and I don't know how much longer I can do it. Then I get an email from the boss that says I might be getting a big raise because of my excellent performance last year. Doesn't he know how much I suck? I make mistakes all the time and leave early at every opportunity (to rush home to my dog). Then another thought comes to me: my job is SWEET! It is never the same day to day, so it's not boring. I have a cool boss who lets me do my job and doesn't micromanage. So what am I complaining about?
Also, I know that I should be getting over the death of my cat, but I still cry and obsess over it often. I miss her so much. Sometimes I can't stand it. I desperately wish that she exists somewhere and is ok. I feel like I just HAVE to know if there is an afterlife or I will just go nuts and will have to be shipped off to an insane asylum. How can I live this life knowing there might not be anything after this life, that we just cease to exist? What is the point of anything then? How do people who have lost their loved ones go on? I don't want to hear from people that she was just a cat - I grieve over her the same as I would a person. A loss is a loss.
So, these are the things that have been going on in my mind lately. I guess the answer is yes, I am neurotic.
Also, I know that I should be getting over the death of my cat, but I still cry and obsess over it often. I miss her so much. Sometimes I can't stand it. I desperately wish that she exists somewhere and is ok. I feel like I just HAVE to know if there is an afterlife or I will just go nuts and will have to be shipped off to an insane asylum. How can I live this life knowing there might not be anything after this life, that we just cease to exist? What is the point of anything then? How do people who have lost their loved ones go on? I don't want to hear from people that she was just a cat - I grieve over her the same as I would a person. A loss is a loss.
So, these are the things that have been going on in my mind lately. I guess the answer is yes, I am neurotic.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Recent crochet projects
If you want to know where I got the patterns, just let me know. I made up the pot holder pattern - it is Tunisian crochet. Also, the snakes pattern is mine too (made up, I don't remember how I did it).
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Three months have gone by...
since Ladybug died. I still think a lot about the periods up to and after her death. In the days after she died, a few things happened around the house that made me wonder:
1) My husband felt a cat walking on him one evening when no cat was there.
2) My husband saw a cat out of the corner of his eye jumping on a table, but when he looked directly, nothing was there.
3) We heard a loud crash downstairs - turned out it was a kitchen chair that fell over backwards. That has never happened before in the almost 5 years we have lived there. I don't think it was my other cat, because as I heard the crash, I sat up and saw her sitting in the hallway. I don't think she could have knocked the chair over and made it up the stairs that fast.
4) We had problems with our television. The sound would go out for no reason. After turning the channel and then going back, the sound would work again. This went on for about a week and then stopped. Nothing like that had ever happened before and since.
I was also despairing that I hadn't dreamed of Ladybug. I believe that sometimes dreams can be a way to contact "the other side". But then I finally did have a dream about her a few weeks ago. I was very concerned during the day about my father, who had been taken to the hospital with severe intestinal bleeding. He is in his upper 70's and in poor health, so I was worried that "this was it". That night, I dreamed very vividly all kinds of things, in a dream-within-a-dream. I remember being at my Dad's house, and he was taking all the furniture out of his den (as if he was moving somewhere), and I remember thinking in the dream "why is he doing that? he is not dead yet!"; then I was still at their house and making sure they weren't getting taken advantage of by some workers remodeling the house - I was yelling at people! - that is not something I would do normally; then later in the dream I saw Ladybug. I called her to me and she jumped on my lap. I remember petting her and remarking how good she looked - she had gained her weight back - I remember thinking in the dream "maybe she won't die now". In the dream, she still had her shaved tummy (where she had it shaved for her ultrasound about a month before she died). I was so happy she looked healthy again.
Then, I remember waking up from my dream within-a-dream and seeing something approach me to my left. I was lying in bed (in my dream) and I looked and my father was standing there smiling. I said "Hey, how are ya?" and he said "great!" and leaned down to hug me. I then freaked out, thinking, he must be dead if I am dreaming this (all along knowing I was dreaming in my dream - it is hard to explain). I struggled awake. My husband said I was yelling in my sleep. It was about 4:00 am, and I didn't fall back to sleep the rest of the night.
I felt a general sense of "everything is ok" after being awake for awhile but at the same time an apprehension that my father really was dead.
It turned out though, that he is fine now, and the bleeding was from an ulcer that they found in his intestine.
This dream is still vivid weeks later. I have not dreamed of Ladybug since. Some have told me that Ladybug came to me in my dream to comfort me because I was worried about my father, to show me that all will be ok and that there is more to this life. I would like to believe this.
Ladybug's ashes were buried at this pet cemetary, Pet Rest, and I plan on going to visit in a few months. I miss my little Bug-Bug.
1) My husband felt a cat walking on him one evening when no cat was there.
2) My husband saw a cat out of the corner of his eye jumping on a table, but when he looked directly, nothing was there.
3) We heard a loud crash downstairs - turned out it was a kitchen chair that fell over backwards. That has never happened before in the almost 5 years we have lived there. I don't think it was my other cat, because as I heard the crash, I sat up and saw her sitting in the hallway. I don't think she could have knocked the chair over and made it up the stairs that fast.
4) We had problems with our television. The sound would go out for no reason. After turning the channel and then going back, the sound would work again. This went on for about a week and then stopped. Nothing like that had ever happened before and since.
I was also despairing that I hadn't dreamed of Ladybug. I believe that sometimes dreams can be a way to contact "the other side". But then I finally did have a dream about her a few weeks ago. I was very concerned during the day about my father, who had been taken to the hospital with severe intestinal bleeding. He is in his upper 70's and in poor health, so I was worried that "this was it". That night, I dreamed very vividly all kinds of things, in a dream-within-a-dream. I remember being at my Dad's house, and he was taking all the furniture out of his den (as if he was moving somewhere), and I remember thinking in the dream "why is he doing that? he is not dead yet!"; then I was still at their house and making sure they weren't getting taken advantage of by some workers remodeling the house - I was yelling at people! - that is not something I would do normally; then later in the dream I saw Ladybug. I called her to me and she jumped on my lap. I remember petting her and remarking how good she looked - she had gained her weight back - I remember thinking in the dream "maybe she won't die now". In the dream, she still had her shaved tummy (where she had it shaved for her ultrasound about a month before she died). I was so happy she looked healthy again.
Then, I remember waking up from my dream within-a-dream and seeing something approach me to my left. I was lying in bed (in my dream) and I looked and my father was standing there smiling. I said "Hey, how are ya?" and he said "great!" and leaned down to hug me. I then freaked out, thinking, he must be dead if I am dreaming this (all along knowing I was dreaming in my dream - it is hard to explain). I struggled awake. My husband said I was yelling in my sleep. It was about 4:00 am, and I didn't fall back to sleep the rest of the night.
I felt a general sense of "everything is ok" after being awake for awhile but at the same time an apprehension that my father really was dead.
It turned out though, that he is fine now, and the bleeding was from an ulcer that they found in his intestine.
This dream is still vivid weeks later. I have not dreamed of Ladybug since. Some have told me that Ladybug came to me in my dream to comfort me because I was worried about my father, to show me that all will be ok and that there is more to this life. I would like to believe this.
Ladybug's ashes were buried at this pet cemetary, Pet Rest, and I plan on going to visit in a few months. I miss my little Bug-Bug.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Do you believe in psychics/mediums/spiritualists?
I know not many people read this blog. But I was just curious to hear, from those that do read this blog, if they have had any experiences that have convinced them that they are indeed for real.
My husband gets very angry when he hears of people that claim to be able to "talk to the dead" - he calls them charletons, who take advantage of people when they are vulnerable. He thinks it's all a load of crap; psychics are just people who are very good at cold readings, and they just give out general information that could be true for anybody. He insists that John Edwards, Sylvia Browne, and James Van Praagh have all been proven to be frauds.
I have never had any personal experiences, but I do hope that this world is not all that there is and that we continue on.
My husband gets very angry when he hears of people that claim to be able to "talk to the dead" - he calls them charletons, who take advantage of people when they are vulnerable. He thinks it's all a load of crap; psychics are just people who are very good at cold readings, and they just give out general information that could be true for anybody. He insists that John Edwards, Sylvia Browne, and James Van Praagh have all been proven to be frauds.
I have never had any personal experiences, but I do hope that this world is not all that there is and that we continue on.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
My Sick Dog
I have had my dog Treif for 1 1/2 years, and he has been steadily losing the use of his back legs ever since I got him. I took him to numerous vets who generally agreed that he has some kind of neurological problem. I was surfing the net yesterday and came across this web page here
and it exactly describes what is happening to him.
He drags his feet when he walks, I have to put bandages on his paws because they scrape against the ground and get raw and bloody. He can't get up from a sitting position without a little help; he struggles to pull himself up with his front legs. It is easier for him if he is on a carpeted surface. He sleeps a good portion of the day and when he is awake, I carry him everywhere (up and down the stairs, to the door, to his food bowl, etc.). He also has a little bit of dementia; not severe, but sometimes he seems to "forget" how to eat out of his food bowl (I hand-feed him until he catches on) and he will, when he is "walking" around, go and get caught in a corner or something and he can't figure out how to get out. He also gets very agitated, mostly in the middle of the night, and I try everything I can think of to calm him. It usually takes all night and leaves me with only a few hours of sleep a night.
We bought him a cheap wheelchair on ebay, but it just doesn't work for him. It is too bulky and heavy and hard for him to move around in. I need something lighter for him, but those cost $300 and upwards.
I get burned-out taking care of him. It is exhausting and it seems I can't do anything or go anywhere without making sure he will be ok while I am gone, or finding someone (i.e., my husband) to watch him while I am gone. For instance, he quite often will wake up and thrash around and fall off the bed, so we need to be around to make sure that doesn't happen. Or he will often start whining pitifully and needs to be comforted (I sure hope that when I am at work all day he sleeps ok in his cage, but I have a feeling he whines all day because he is lonely :(
But I love those moments when he is mentally in a good place, where he will lick my nose and wag his tail (sort of) when he sees me. I love him so much!
Sunday, December 02, 2007
2007 Bad Year for Pets I Know
1) February: On my boss's birthday, his dog died. Two days before her birthday, my co-worker's young cat died.
2) March: Pet food recalled for melamine contamination. Possibly thousands of pets killed or sickened. My dog is one of the sickened.
3) June: My brother's young dog collapses and dies of a heart ailment.
4) July: Five days before her birthday, my sister's cat died.
5) October: Eight days before my birthday, my cat died.
2) March: Pet food recalled for melamine contamination. Possibly thousands of pets killed or sickened. My dog is one of the sickened.
3) June: My brother's young dog collapses and dies of a heart ailment.
4) July: Five days before her birthday, my sister's cat died.
5) October: Eight days before my birthday, my cat died.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
My caricature
I had never had my caricature drawn before, until this past Sunday. She put Ladybug, Cricket, and Treif in the picture too and is having me knit. I think she made me look way better than I really do. And I am skinny in the picture too!
It's all about money
As the weeks go by, and I replay in my mind over and over the events leading up to Ladybug's death, I realized a few things. I am still angry when I think about this one vet I took her to, about two years ago when I first started noticing she was losing weight, who basically pooh-poohed my concern. After the blood tests came back, and they were normal, she told me it was a behavioral problem. Another year went by and at Ladybug's next physical she had lost even more weight. A different vet (at the same practice) told me she appeared to be having some sort of absorption problem and I should give her probiotics and more easily digestable food. A few months later, only then did another vet suggest that it might be something like IBS or cancer.
At this point, I was faced with hundreds (if not thousands) more dollars I had to cough up if I wanted to find out what was going on. It would entail surgery, biopsies, more blood tests, etc. I thought that would be way too hard on her (and also I didn't want to go into credit card debt) and decided to treat her as if she had IBS. Finally, an ultrasound at yet another vet a few months later revealed a large mass in her small intestine which she thought was probably cancer. By then it was too late, all I could do was make her comfortable.
If it wasn't for the money... if I had tons of money I would have done everything in my power to figure out what was wrong earlier. I would have taken her to a vet that specializes in cats only (they would have recognized how serious weight loss is). In fact, the vet that ended up euthanizing her was a cats only vet, and I used to go to her but stopped going because of how expensive she was. I went to her desperate to save Ladybug, but instead, shaking her head, said that Ladybug had only a few days to live, at best.
If it wasn't for the money... no expense would have been spared, and at the very least, she would have been able to stay with me much longer, and at best, I could have treated her with chemo and radiation and it could have cured her and she would still be here.
At this point, I was faced with hundreds (if not thousands) more dollars I had to cough up if I wanted to find out what was going on. It would entail surgery, biopsies, more blood tests, etc. I thought that would be way too hard on her (and also I didn't want to go into credit card debt) and decided to treat her as if she had IBS. Finally, an ultrasound at yet another vet a few months later revealed a large mass in her small intestine which she thought was probably cancer. By then it was too late, all I could do was make her comfortable.
If it wasn't for the money... if I had tons of money I would have done everything in my power to figure out what was wrong earlier. I would have taken her to a vet that specializes in cats only (they would have recognized how serious weight loss is). In fact, the vet that ended up euthanizing her was a cats only vet, and I used to go to her but stopped going because of how expensive she was. I went to her desperate to save Ladybug, but instead, shaking her head, said that Ladybug had only a few days to live, at best.
If it wasn't for the money... no expense would have been spared, and at the very least, she would have been able to stay with me much longer, and at best, I could have treated her with chemo and radiation and it could have cured her and she would still be here.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
My crochet and knit projects
Since Ladybug's death (and even before), I have been madly working on one project after another. I love to crochet (knit - not so much - but I will if I have to), and it is very relaxing and takes my mind off more troubling things.
Wow, there are even more I have done, but these are just a few.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Still devastated
I haven't been able to look at my blog since she died. Sometimes I try to peek, but I see her picture and the tears start to flow.
I wanted to write, however, about that day, the day she died. I had gotten up in the morning to go to work, and I offered her a fresh, open can of tuna. She turned her head away. I knew then I had to do something. At the time, I wasn't thinking of euthanasia; I just wanted to get her to a vet and I thought maybe they could put an i.v. in her or something (to hydrate and nourish her).
In the early afternoon at work, I was able to get an appointment for a cat doctor to see her. I went home at 1:00 and I picked her up from where she was sitting (she was still in the same place as when I left her at 8:00 am) and took her upstairs and put her on my lap. I patted her rump, something she always liked, and waited for the appointment. I even fell asleep at one point. Had I known then that that would be the last time I would have her on my lap, I wouldn't have slept! I would have cherished every moment.
When it was time for the appointment I put her in her carrier and told her, "no matter what happens, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER". In the car I told her how much I loved her, how pretty she was, and I sang to her the Bug-Bug song (where I chant Bug-Bug-Bug, Bug-Bug-Bug etc. to the tune of Jingle Bells). I often sang the Bug-Bug song to her (from her name, Ladybug) since the time I got her.
Normally on trips to the vet, she would protest (meow or jiggle the door), but this time she just sat there, her beautiful eyes looking out the windows. I will never forget that.
At the vet, she didn't like when the vet was examining her. She tried to get back in her carrier. When the vet was finished, she gave it to me straight: Ladybug was at death's door and would probably not live another two days. At the moment, she was not in much pain - but she would be soon. She was jaundiced, dehydrated, anemic, and weighed only THREE pounds. When the vet palpated her abdomen, she couldn't even tell the organs apart - the cancer was seemingly growing them together into an indistinguishable mass. I knew this was it.
As soon as we decided that she was to be euthanized, Ladybug laid down on the examining table looking around. She was so calm. I was wondering why she wasn't trying to get back in her carrier. Maybe it was just because the vet was no longer touching her, I don't know. While the vet went to get the paperwork for me to sign, I crouched down and talked to her. I asked my guardian angels to please look after her. I asked Ladybug to please come and visit me. When I was talking to her, she looked straight at me, and then looked above my head and then to her left. I wondered if she could see anything, or was she just looking at the posters on the wall??
The vet injected her in her hind end, and then placed her on a towel and handed her to me. I sat with her until she was asleep. She was in a deep sleep, and the last time I ever saw her was when the vet took her from me and I saw that her eyes were wide open, yet she was asleep. In another room the vet administered the final injection and then came to tell me she was gone. It was probably the most devastating thing I had ever gone through. Not even the deaths of my grandparents or a friend from high school affected me as much. I cried as I have never cried before. When I got home my husband was afraid to leave me (he had an evening meeting to go to) for fear I would do something to myself. He had a friend call me to make sure I was ok.
I am grieving deeply for Ladybug. I miss her so much, that sometimes I don't want to live without her. I know I must. I have people and other animals that need me. But I wish I could just be in spirit too so I could be with her. I cry almost daily. What is also distressing is that I had asked for her to visit me when she was in spirit, but I have not detected anything from her. Not even a dream. My husband said that one night he could feel a cat walking on him (NOT my other cat Cricket - she weighs 15 pounds and he would have known the difference) and the other evening he saw a cat jump on a table out of the corner of his eye, but there was no one there when he looked directly.
If that is her, why is she not appearing to me? I do want to believe that this life is not all there is, but it is so hard to when you don't see/hear/smell/sense any evidence.
On top of all this is the guilt I have for various reasons: 1) I should have tried harder to help her. When she was first losing weight I should have kept questioning what the vets were telling me (her blood tests were always perfect, so they told me it was probably nothing to worry about) and 2) I should have paid more attention to her. When I got the dog, I was so tied up in all his health problems that I virtually ignored her. And 3) I am grieving for a cat, when there are thousands of people dying every day in this stupid war in Iraq, in Darfur, Afghanistan, you name it. Also the hundreds of thousands of people that have no place to live, or live below the poverty line, etc. etc. I could go on and on.
So grieving for a cat may seem silly, but it is my reality and it HURTS.
I wanted to write, however, about that day, the day she died. I had gotten up in the morning to go to work, and I offered her a fresh, open can of tuna. She turned her head away. I knew then I had to do something. At the time, I wasn't thinking of euthanasia; I just wanted to get her to a vet and I thought maybe they could put an i.v. in her or something (to hydrate and nourish her).
In the early afternoon at work, I was able to get an appointment for a cat doctor to see her. I went home at 1:00 and I picked her up from where she was sitting (she was still in the same place as when I left her at 8:00 am) and took her upstairs and put her on my lap. I patted her rump, something she always liked, and waited for the appointment. I even fell asleep at one point. Had I known then that that would be the last time I would have her on my lap, I wouldn't have slept! I would have cherished every moment.
When it was time for the appointment I put her in her carrier and told her, "no matter what happens, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER". In the car I told her how much I loved her, how pretty she was, and I sang to her the Bug-Bug song (where I chant Bug-Bug-Bug, Bug-Bug-Bug etc. to the tune of Jingle Bells). I often sang the Bug-Bug song to her (from her name, Ladybug) since the time I got her.
Normally on trips to the vet, she would protest (meow or jiggle the door), but this time she just sat there, her beautiful eyes looking out the windows. I will never forget that.
At the vet, she didn't like when the vet was examining her. She tried to get back in her carrier. When the vet was finished, she gave it to me straight: Ladybug was at death's door and would probably not live another two days. At the moment, she was not in much pain - but she would be soon. She was jaundiced, dehydrated, anemic, and weighed only THREE pounds. When the vet palpated her abdomen, she couldn't even tell the organs apart - the cancer was seemingly growing them together into an indistinguishable mass. I knew this was it.
As soon as we decided that she was to be euthanized, Ladybug laid down on the examining table looking around. She was so calm. I was wondering why she wasn't trying to get back in her carrier. Maybe it was just because the vet was no longer touching her, I don't know. While the vet went to get the paperwork for me to sign, I crouched down and talked to her. I asked my guardian angels to please look after her. I asked Ladybug to please come and visit me. When I was talking to her, she looked straight at me, and then looked above my head and then to her left. I wondered if she could see anything, or was she just looking at the posters on the wall??
The vet injected her in her hind end, and then placed her on a towel and handed her to me. I sat with her until she was asleep. She was in a deep sleep, and the last time I ever saw her was when the vet took her from me and I saw that her eyes were wide open, yet she was asleep. In another room the vet administered the final injection and then came to tell me she was gone. It was probably the most devastating thing I had ever gone through. Not even the deaths of my grandparents or a friend from high school affected me as much. I cried as I have never cried before. When I got home my husband was afraid to leave me (he had an evening meeting to go to) for fear I would do something to myself. He had a friend call me to make sure I was ok.
I am grieving deeply for Ladybug. I miss her so much, that sometimes I don't want to live without her. I know I must. I have people and other animals that need me. But I wish I could just be in spirit too so I could be with her. I cry almost daily. What is also distressing is that I had asked for her to visit me when she was in spirit, but I have not detected anything from her. Not even a dream. My husband said that one night he could feel a cat walking on him (NOT my other cat Cricket - she weighs 15 pounds and he would have known the difference) and the other evening he saw a cat jump on a table out of the corner of his eye, but there was no one there when he looked directly.
If that is her, why is she not appearing to me? I do want to believe that this life is not all there is, but it is so hard to when you don't see/hear/smell/sense any evidence.
On top of all this is the guilt I have for various reasons: 1) I should have tried harder to help her. When she was first losing weight I should have kept questioning what the vets were telling me (her blood tests were always perfect, so they told me it was probably nothing to worry about) and 2) I should have paid more attention to her. When I got the dog, I was so tied up in all his health problems that I virtually ignored her. And 3) I am grieving for a cat, when there are thousands of people dying every day in this stupid war in Iraq, in Darfur, Afghanistan, you name it. Also the hundreds of thousands of people that have no place to live, or live below the poverty line, etc. etc. I could go on and on.
So grieving for a cat may seem silly, but it is my reality and it HURTS.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
Is the waiting the hardest part?
She is slowly dying. She still wants to eat, but when she tries she loses interest almost immediately. When we cook, she cries for the food, but when we give her some she tries to eat it but can't. She is still drinking, but spends the rest of her days sleeping. I occasionally find poop on the carpet; evidence of painful elimination (thus she avoids the litterbox). She can jump up on some furniture, but not all. And when she jumps down she usually lands on her side and then struggles up.
So I continue to administer prednisone to her; I force-feed pumpkin to her (to help soften her bowels) and have her sit on my lap so I can pat her stomach. She seems to really like that. This is all I can do for her - and wait. Wait for her to let me know it is time (as some people have told me will happen - I doubt that), or wait for the day I wake up and find her gone.
When she is gone, will I still cry every day? Or will a weight be lifted from my shoulders - she will no longer be suffering, and I will no longer have to see her like that. Will I feel guilt and anguish for not figuring out sooner what was wrong with her? or having to euthanize her?
Today my husband asked me how my life will be different without her. I don't care how my life will be; I just care about her life. Will she go to a better place, or is there just nothing? If she does go to a better place, will anyone be there to take care of her?
So I continue to administer prednisone to her; I force-feed pumpkin to her (to help soften her bowels) and have her sit on my lap so I can pat her stomach. She seems to really like that. This is all I can do for her - and wait. Wait for her to let me know it is time (as some people have told me will happen - I doubt that), or wait for the day I wake up and find her gone.
When she is gone, will I still cry every day? Or will a weight be lifted from my shoulders - she will no longer be suffering, and I will no longer have to see her like that. Will I feel guilt and anguish for not figuring out sooner what was wrong with her? or having to euthanize her?
Today my husband asked me how my life will be different without her. I don't care how my life will be; I just care about her life. Will she go to a better place, or is there just nothing? If she does go to a better place, will anyone be there to take care of her?
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
She's still hanging on...
Every day I wake up and wonder if she is still alive. She is hanging in there. She had been taking two doses of prednisone every day, but I reduced it to only one, because it was making her feel sicker. Now she will actually eat a little bit every day and seem interested in food. And I decided to let her eat whatever she wants. The vet said to feed her a raw canned food diet, but she was turning her nose up at it. It think it's better to eat a little bit of crappy food, than no food at all. After all, we're talking about quality of life. The raw food diet is supposed to slow the growth of the cancer, but if she is not eating it, then what is the point?Ladybug is now so light, that when I put her on my digital scale, it stays at "0".
BTW, please ignore my ugly mug. I wasn't exactly "made-up" for the camera.
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