Stupid Lupron shots!

It has been awhile since I posted on my blog. Back in late August, my doctor wanted to start giving me monthly Lupron injections, in an effort to "starve" the endometrial tissue and kill it. Since then, I have had a hell of a time. I have had all the side effects (hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, worsening depression, hair loss, weight gain, etc. etc.). Each month I would tell him that I couldn't take it anymore, and he would want me to press on, so I did. Well this month was the last straw. It was my fourth injection, and I've decided enough is enough. The worst part of the whole experience is my inexplicable absent-mindedness, to the point where I don't even remember what I was doing or did. I have made numerous mistakes at work, and have been suffering for it (by having to work overtime and come in on weekends).

At my last visit I tried to tell him the problems I am having, and he was so very condescending towards me. First he accused me of forgetting to take my Aygestin pills (used to counter-act the side effects) and then he said that he has "never heard of" anyone with my problems. So in effect, I must be just imagining everything. I felt like it was the 1950's again.

So that is that. I am taking charge of my treatment. I say four shots are enough, and I am putting my foot down. I will not let any doctor make me feel insignficant and ignorant. He called me today "concerned" that I am discontinuing treatment and I told him how I felt about how he treated me. He said he did not mean to come off that way - well.... he did! He then proceeded to list all his credentials and why he is an "expert" in his field. He's been working with Lupron for over 10 years...blah blah blah. Sounds to me like he's got his hand in Big Pharma's pocket! No wonder he doesn't want me to stop treatment.

Crocheted Hydrangea

This is for a friend of mine's birthday. Her favorite flower is a Hydrangea and her favorite color is blue (I think, lol), but I couldn't find a pattern anywhere so I just made my own. I found a picture of a blue Hydrangea on google.com and just tried to copy it. I might have gone overboard with the bleach (used to whiten the centers of the flower), but I like how it turned out.

Doll bed cushion and blanket

I made this for my niece Kelly. She had gotten a doll bed at a garage sale for a few bucks but it didn't have a cushion, pillows, or blanket. So she gave me the dimensions and asked if I would make her one. I was delighted. It won't be much longer when she won't want anything like this anymore (she is 9 on Tuesday), so it was great!

For the cushions, I had an old pillow case that I cut out the little pillows for, and the bed cushion as well, then used my sewing machine to sew to size. Stuff with poly-fil, sewed up, and then added crocheted cover!

Another pet?

So it is just Cricket and I now. We live in a two-bedroom apartment on the ground floor, that has mostly carpeting. Cricket is doing fine, but I feel like she needs something to do, or someone else around to play with.

So... dog or cat? I have been searching for a few days for a small dog on Petfinder.com. I find myself looking for a dog that looks just like Treif. God, I miss him. I tear up just thinking about him. And not only am I doing that, but I am thinking of other things, like having to leave the dog alone for 9 hours every day, feeling like I need to rush home because of the dog, etc. I would have to take him everywhere with me, like when I go up to Michigan. So maybe having a dog is not such a good idea right now.

So I went back to Petfinder and searched for cats. There are so many! Again, I find myself looking for one that looks like Ladybug, whom I also still miss very much.

How can I choose between so many of them? How can I just take one? A lot of the postings plead for you to take the cats' companion as well. So I would have three cats! That is a lot in an apartment. And then I worry that Cricket would hate the cat, and would start peeing all over the apartment. My parents had a cat that hated the other cats, and started peeing in corners all over the house. Soon they were all doing it! And they were all females too! It wasn't a spraying issue like male cats have. I have seen Cricket pee on towels that have been left on the bathroom floor. Granted, the towel was right next to her litter box, but still... would she start doing it on carpet if she was unhappy?

Sigh, what to do... what to do....

More projects

I stayed home today, recovering from laparoscopic surgery to remove some endometrial tissue inside my abdomen (endometriosis). So I am just lying around and thought it would be a good time to post some projects I have done in the past few months:

It has been awhile

I moved into an apartment on July 1st. Previous to that, I was busy packing and planning the move, so I haven't posted anything on here for a long time. I have been working on some crochet projects, but haven't posted any pictures yet. I am still unpacking! But as soon as I can, I will post some projects I have finished. I haven't even checked my ravelry page in over a month.

Seat belts really work!!

I have never been in a serious accident before, but I was on Monday, May 25. I was driving home from visiting my parents in Michigan. I was only one hour from home. I was driving 70mph in the passing lane (passing a truck) and it was raining. Suddenly, my car hydro-planed, spun numerous times and somehow ended up crashing into the guardrail on the shoulder of the right lane, facing towards oncoming traffic! I don't know how I managed to walk away with only bruises and a mild concussion, because there was a lot of traffic and it seems like a miracle that I did not collide with others.

As the crash was occuring, I could feel the seat belt holding my body to the seat, as the rest of my stuff in the car went flying around. It was when the back end of my car, and then the front end, crashed into the guardrail that my head hit the side of the car. It was my only injury.

I have had a hell of a year so far: my dog died, my marriage is ending, my dad has cancer, I have a cyst on my ovary that I need to get checked out, and then I totaled my car that I had just paid off in February and had just paid for a $700 repair to the hub bearings. I don't know what else is going to happen, but I will try to prepare myself for whatever it is!

It's May already

Time flies so quickly! I have had so many things going on in my life, that I lost track of time. I am still grieving my dog Treif, then my husband and I decided to divorce, then I found out my father has prostate cancer. Everything is happening at once.

We are hoping they caught my father's cancer early. His MRI and bone scan did not show the cancer had spread. Now he is taking drugs to block testosterone receptors in his prostate, and then will begin radiation. He will be 79 this year, so I hope that this treatment doesn't weaken him too much. He is already weak!

My husband and I decided that our differences are just too great to stay together. Originally it worked, but then we realized we were drifting further apart... and neither one of us wants to come back. So now I need to find a new place to live. I want to rent a house (maybe rent-to-buy???), but I can't afford the rent - at least in houses that are in good shape and in good neighborhoods. There is one I looked at that I liked, but it was in bad shape. Not sure if I want to take that on.

In the meantime, I am still living in the same house with my husband, but I sleep in another room (and have my crochet stuff in there too).

Life lessons

Life is just a learning process, isn't it?  No matter how old you are, there is always something new that you learn about yourself and other people.  At 42 years old, I am learning that I have always been "too nice" - to the point of being taken advantage of.  I have always been a peace-loving person who will willingly cedes to others in order to make them happy or "keep the peace".   But I never really gave a good hard thought about what would make ME happy.  I just didn't want to be selfish, I guess.  I suppose there is a fine line... learning how to walk it is the trick.

So for the next phase of my life, I will try to figure out what it is that makes me happy.  I am suspecting already that I will be much happier if I devote more of my time to volunteering and other pursuits that help make the world a better place.  Or at least my part of the world.

Recent projects.

I guess I have been bored lately.

Some of my projects...

My Fur Angels

It has been one week...

since Treif died.  I feel ready to talk about it now.

Treif had been getting so weak in the past few weeks.  He couldn't hold himself up when I set him on the floor, so I would lean him against a wall to prop him up.  When I fed him, I would have him lean against my leg while I put food in his mouth.  He always had trouble at first with getting the food in his mouth and swallowing.  But after awhile he would do fine. 

When he had to poop, I would hold up his hind end so that he wouldn't mess up his fur.  He always pooped in the bathroom instead of outside, because he would inevitably start to poop when he started eating (which is where I fed him).  It was convenient for me because I would just flush it down the toilet, and I had cleaning wipes right there to clean the floor.

When I took him outside to pee, I would hold up his hind end with a harness.  He used to love running around that way, but in the last few weeks his front legs would give out and he would end up sinking to the ground.

I carried him everywhere.  When he seemed restless and wanted to move around, I would put him on the floor, hold his hind end up, and he would walk around that way.  I had to bend over to do that (because he was so little) but I was glad to do it.  It was a privilege to do it.

For the past two weeks, he had a bladder infection so was taking antibiotics twice a day.  With two days to go, he had bad diarrhea so I stopped the treatment.  He then had a really good day (on Sunday, March 8).  I was so pleased that he felt better and seemed stronger.

On Monday the 9th, he seemed a little weaker, but I just thought he was tired for some reason.

On Tuesday the 10th, I started my normal routine with him.  I got up and took him downstairs to go outside.  As soon as I took off his diaper, he started peeing all over the place.  After getting that cleaned up, I took him into the bathroom to see if he wanted to eat.  He ate a piece of bologna and a slice of cheese.  He was so cute when he was being fed.  He looked so happy to be eating something tasty.

I put him in his cage and went to work.  I left work at 3:00 because I was going to go home and finish my work there (computer work); I always tried to get home early every day to make sure he was ok.

On this day I took him out to pee, which he did, but shortly after, he stumbled and then vomited.  Then he kind of "passed out"; meaning, he just laid there in a heap unmoving.  But he was breathing.  I picked him up and he leaned against my shoulder and his legs were completely relaxed and his eyes closed.  I thought it was strange, because whenever I held him that way he usually had some tension in his legs.  But not this time.

I checked to see if he was hungry.  He just stared.  So I put him in his bed and he fell asleep.  Later, he woke up and I pulled his bed over to me and I scratched his face.  Usually he would lean into it, but this time he just stared.  Shortly after that, as my husband got home, he started howling and whining and I knew that something was wrong and I had to take him to the vet.  I called them and put him in the car and we left.

As soon was we got into the car, he relaxed.  He just laid there in the bed, in the car, and closed his eyes.  Treif hated car rides; no matter how sick he was he would protest - but this time he just laid there.  Occasionally he would open his eyes and look around, but his head never lifted.

At the vet, he did the same thing, just laid there.  He didn't seem to care that he was at the vet, which would also normally be stressful.  Now I knew it was time.  I talked to him and asked him to please visit me.  I called upon my guardian angels to come to him and stay with him.  I cried and told him I tried to help him as much as I could, but I couldn't do it anymore.  He just laid there and stared.  I am not sure he knew who I was.

I couldn't bear to be with him when the lethal dose was administered.  I figured he didn't seem to know me anyway.  I hoped my angels would be there to meet his soul as it left him.

I haven't known what to do with myself since he left.  I haven't moved his pillow and blanket at the end of my bed.  My husband took down his cage, and it looks weird without it there.  I have a hard time going downstairs or going outside; everything reminds me of him and I can't believe he is gone and I will never touch him again.  Never look into his puppy eyes - he always looked like a puppy to me, he was so sweet and I thank God I had the privilege of taking care of him.

Goodbye baby boy - ~1995 to March 10, 2009

Pink socks and valentine's envelopes

The sock pattern is from "Crocheted Socks" by Janet Rehfeldt and Mary Jane Wood.  The envelopes are from a free pattern on the Lion Brand website.

Tribute to Grandma

I remember my grandma Minick used to have crocheted doilies all over her house (under lamps, on the dining room table, etc.).  She must have worked so hard on them!  After she passed away, somehow I ended up with most of them and have only recently decided to figure out what to do with them.  I picked out three of my favorite ones, and bought a shadow box to put them in.  The picture of her is when she was 18 years old.  I don't know if she crocheted at that time, or until later in life, but I like the picture so decided to use it.

The rest of her doilies I am storing in an acid-free storage box, in between some acid-free tissue paper.

I don't know if she can see what I did from wherever she is, but I hope she likes it.

Scarf

Pattern is from the book Positively Crochet by Mary Jane Hall. I'm not sure if I will wear it anywhere, but I think it's pretty.

Women's magazines

I am tired of them.  I am canceling my subscriptions to Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Glamour, and others because they are all the same.  They are always about dieting - how to get a better body, lose weight, or whatever.  They tell us to be happy with the body we have, but then there are pages of weight-loss tips, diets, exercise, etc.  THEN, in the back of the magazine they have recipes for chocolate cake, cookies, etc.  WTF?  I am tired of being told I should be happy with my body the way it is, but then have to go through pages and pages of "before" and "after" pictures of happy women who lost weight and now feel like their life can begin, or feel like they have more self-worth because they are thin, declaring that they will never let themselves get like that again (gee thanks, I sure feel better about myself now that you have basically told me that I am gross).

I am going into therapy soon to try to figure out why I crave chocolate and sugary foods, why I have no willpower, and why I feel the way I do about the world.  I don't need these stupid magazines to make me feel worse.

Nosewarmers???

I had never heard of them, but a friend of mine was reminiscing about them - she said in the '60's they were all the rage.  So I found a knitting pattern online, but couldn't master the wrap stitch.  I decided to use Tunisian crochet to make my own pattern.  If you want it just comment and I will add it to this post later. 

You must have a basic knowledge of Tunisian crochet, only because I am terrible at writing directions and can't fathom how to describe Tunisian crochet!

Treif's new poncho

I made Treif a "Martha Stewart Poncho" from the Lion brand website.  Not sure he is that thrilled about it.