It was not to be.

Dad passed today of respiratory failure.

Heart Surgery in my elderly father

So he had the surgery a week and two days ago.  He had to have a triple bypass, a valve replacement, and his aorta completely replaced (he had an aortic aneurysm).  The surgery took 5 hours and went without a hitch.  We waited in the family waiting room for the doctor to come and brief us afterwords.  And waited.  And waited.  Someone then called to say that they couldn't get his bleeding to stop.  It had been a few hours and they tried everything.  Then the doctor came out, looking grim.  He said there was nothing more he could do.  It was in God's hands.  I have never felt so helpless and devastated.  Even though we had now been at the hospital 9 hours, and were exhausted, the doctor said we shouldn't leave.  He didn't know if Dad would survive the night.

We went back to see him, and waited in his room while all the nurses worked on him.  A chest xray revealed that there was a mass pressing against his heart. It was either blood pooling or blood clotting.  The only way to tell was to open him back up.  So they did, at 1:30 in the morning.  More waiting...  and waiting... then the good news.  It was a clot!  He was finally clotting.

After that scare there has been the usual problems with this kind of surgery in the elderly:  lung problems (he was ventilated until yesterday), and confusion and dementia.  After one week and two days he is finally coming out of anesthesia, but he is still confused and still not all there.  I am hoping that will clear up, but an internet search has kind of scared me - a lot of elderly people are never the same mentally after this kind of surgery.  Here we were worried about him not making it through the surgery, when he ends up having a worse time with his lungs and mind.  I am hoping, hoping, hoping, and wishing that we finally get my Dad back soon.  I hope that we can talk again; he was SO scared when he went in.  He did not want to die.  I want him to realize that he did it!  He made it!  He has a second chance to live longer!  The doctor said he wouldn't have lasted even a few more months without the surgery.  But as of now, he is barely aware of where he is.

Where did the time go?

My father is 82 and is currently hospitalized.  He needs a bypass, a valve repaired, and an aortic aneurism fixed.  He has been there for one week having test after test to make sure he is strong enough to live through the surgery.  He has passed the lung test and his colonoscopy was clear.  So we are now waiting to hear when he can have his surgery.

I spent a few days at his bedside.  I had to help him eat and get up to go to the bathroom.  He can't see well enough to see the food in front of him on his plate. I studied his face as he was sleeping.  I recall watching his mother like this when she was in the hospital, at just about the same age, for cancer.  He looks just like her.

Where did the time go? He was always so strong and independent.  Now he weighs less than I do.  He is afraid to die.  You would think someone at his age would be ready to go.  My mother says the same - "he had a good life".  Why does that not make me feel better about this?  I should consider myself lucky that he got to live this long.  My friend's mother dropped dead at only 65!  My boyfriend's parents are both gone now, having died at approx 68 and 70.  So why do I feel like I have been punched in the stomach?  He is not even dead yet!  There is a chance, whether he has the surgery or not, that he will live several more years. 

I guess what bothers me is the quality of those years.  If you can't see, walk, or hear very well, what do you do?  How can you enjoy life?  He will need someone to feed him, and to help him go to the bathroom.  My mom and my sister (who lives with them and are not in good health either) can't do it.  So that probably means a nursing home.

It just seems like this came upon me so suddenly.  Though I know in the back of my mind I had some awareness of the clock ticking, I guess I just never thought about it too much.  It was too painful.  Well, now it is here and I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to comfort him.  I read stories of NDE's to try to comfort myself that something great awaits him when his life is over here on earth.  Then I read people cruelly trying to contradict and negate these experiences.  So I don't know who to believe.  :-(

Something has got to give.

I am not even sure what to say.  I found myself today holding my head in my hands, just sick and tired of everything.  I am not sure if I am going through a mid-life crisis, or if there is some kind of change in the air...

For most of the year I have been feeling increasingly disturbed.  There are reasons that are certainly understandable:  my nephew had to be sent to reform school and got in trouble with the law (at only 15 years old!), my brother is frequently out of work and depressed, my friend is battling a rare form of cancer that has a very low survival rate, my father is aging and at 82 years old can no longer see well, walk, or really do anything for himself.  He is trapped in a body that doesn't work.  My sister is my parent's primary caregiver and she is really unhappy after having lost her job and having to move in with them.  It is not a job she wanted.  Also, my job is in jeopardy; there is not enough money to keep me, although my boss is trying.

In addition, I am realizing the worst mistakes I have made in my life: converting to judaism and getting married.  Why in the hell did I do that?  I was completely with the wrong person.  He couldn't have been more wrong for me.  I see that, now that I am with the one I was meant to be with.  While I was enduring my marriage he lived less than two miles away, went to the same grocery store I went to, etc.  So close, yet so far.   As for judasim, I am hoping that God understands that I had completely lost my mind and will forgive me for not being sincere in my beliefs.  I thought I had been at the time, but once again, if hindsight was 20/20...

All of these problems would make anyone feel disturbed.  But oddly, I think most of all is the state of this year's election.  How anyone could vote for Romney/Ryan is something I can't grasp.  I walk around in a state of disbelief that the polls say the election is so close.  How could that be?  Those men are clearly psychopaths; it has been proven over and over that they cannot be trusted, that they will say anything anyone wants to hear just so they will be elected.  It is obvious they are being controlled by the religious right, that anyone could even THINK about voting for them, just leaves me so depressed and hopeless.  Do people just not care about each other anymore?  Are they all out for themselves?  I have completely lost faith in mankind.  How can I deal with the problems I have when I have to worry that our country is about to be handed over to a man who is a psychopathic robot-like carbon life form?  Someone who is so completely out of touch with the rest of us - how can he understand what we go through when he has more money than God? 

I am just about ready to say "I'm out" - I can't deal with this anymore.   Something has got to give.

Overwhelming feelings

I work at a University medical school, where I know there is animal research going on, with all kinds of animals.  In addition, the med school students dissect human cadavers.  That does not bother me in the least.  However, the animals... most of the time I can go about my day and not think about it.  But sometimes I stop, and the feeling overwhelms me, that I just cannot stand it - I cannot live in a world where helpless creatures are experimented on, I cannot live in a world where atrocities are occurring daily (children starving, people being tortured, etc.).  When these feelings overwhelm me, I just don't want to even exist anymore.  I always pull myself together, but it is terrifying, this feeling.  I don't know if it's an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person - see Elaine Aron) thing.  I just feel like it is, because I imagine most people are walking around in their own worlds and don't think of such things.  It always makes me hope that there is something else, after this life, where we (animals included) can exist without pain and suffering.  If not, then I don't see the point in life at all.

I hate being called a Liberal.

I think the word "Liberal", as used to define someone's political views, is now a derogatory term that the republicans use.  We are supposed to be "bleeding heart" liberals who want to give out our money to those who they deem undeserving and have peace and love etc. etc.  And I don't know what else they believe but it is all negative and supposedly going to destroy our country.

What I am is a person who cares about others.  I am someone who realizes that the very people screaming about illegal aliens, are also descended from those who took the land away from Native Americans.  TOOK AWAY.  STOLE!!!  No immigrant in this country now is trying to do that.  What is worse?

I know that not all unemployed people are unwilling to work and just want to live off the government.

I know that NO ONE is PRO-abortion.  People are PRO-choice.  I know that it is no one else's business what I do with my own body.  Let me repeat:  NO ONE is pro-abortion.  Do the repubs think that abortions are fun?  I recently had a D&C to get a biopsy of the inside of my uterus.  It was not fun.  It is not fun being "scraped".  I can't imagine anyone WANTS to have an abortion.  But if I am raped, or find out my unborn baby is going to have multiple birth defects and will have a very hard and painful life, it is MY CHOICE what to do, not the government.

I know that there are others who live in this country who practice different religions.  I know that there are others of different races, colors, and creeds.  Isn't this what America is about?  Being free to practice whatever you believe in without fear of persecution?

I know that it is not a terrible thing to be educated.  Those screaming that President Obama is an "elitist" are just afraid of his intelligence.  What is so wrong with being smart?  Maybe if we made sure that all had access to good teachers and education, there wouldn't be so many people struggling to make ends meet. 

I know that life is complicated.  I know that if we all just treated others like we would like to be treated, that our earth would be a better place.

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12

The end of the world as we know it.

I've been a little depressed lately (I know, so what's new?) but this time it's not because of anything going on in my life.  It really feels like we are either near the end of times, or that the earth is going through a major overhaul, and possibly billions of people and animals will perish.  The recent years of soaring record-setting temperatures, the wildfires, the floodings... it makes me think that we now have 7 billion people on earth, and anytime you have a system that gets too big, it will ultimately crash.  I am sure there is a name for that, but I can't think of it right now.

Well, it seems like we are due to crash at any time now.  Maybe the Mayans predicted this in 2012.  Not that the "Rapture" will be upon us, but that the earth will undergo a major change.  Much like the "Black Death" that began in 1348, which claimed the lives of approximately 100 million people.  It is feasible that these new conditions on earth will breed new kinds of viruses and bacteria and it's not hard to imagine what the outcome of that will be.

And lets not leave out a mention of the current state of politics.  It really seems like there is a battle between good and evil now, fighting for control.  There is no more civility in our culture.  People are downright rude and crude about it.  It makes me just want to turn off the tv and radio and retreat into my own world, and never venture out anymore.  It all seems so hopeless.  I feel like giving away most of what I own and hunkering down in the basement to await my fate, whatever that may be.

Easter Eggs

I wanted to make something to give to my boyfriend's great nieces and nephews on Easter Sunday. I found some egg patterns on the internet, but had to alter them so that they would fit over those plastic eggs you can get on the cheap (I paid $1 for a bag of six) - although I wish I had gotten some better quality eggs that close better. I discovered this after gluing the crocheted egg onto the plastic egg, and then it wouldn't close! So I had to unglue it and glue it back on so it wasn't so close to the edge of the egg. Even then, it didn't close very tightly. Oh well, live and learn. Here are some pictures. I used "I Love This Yarn" by Hobby Lobby (my favorite). If anyone reading this wants the pattern, just let me know and I will post it. But you can probably find free ones on the internet and slightly alter them to fit your eggs.

Vegas, baby!

Going to Las Vegas was a good learning experience for me. I was so afraid to fly. I had done it before, but not for a little less than 10 years. My boyfriend, he really wanted to go and really wanted me to come with him, so I swallowed my fear and went.

I just made sure I had my affairs in order before I left. No, just kidding :)

It was a lot of fun, once I got some rest after all the plane rides and shuttle bus rides and checking into the hotel, etc. etc. Then the plane ride back was rough because it was so windy (lots of turbulence). My boyfriend's arm must be sore where I gripped it the whole time!

We are going to California later this year, and I am actually kind of looking forward to it. I think I can get on more planes and not feel like they're going to crash. :) And I am glad that I can take my crochet projects on the plane. I was worried crochet hooks would be considered weapons.

Baby sweater and hat

A baby sweater and hat for a friend.

Car interior improvements

Well, I guess it's a matter of opinion whether it's an improvement.... I am so bored of my car, so I decided to make the inside more pleasant. I bought a new stereo, and crocheted covers (headrests, gear shift) along with putting up some of those cool ball trim (like in the 1970's).