About a month ago, I lost my little dog Mari. I can hardly write the words without tearing up. He was my little buddy, my best friend, and my baby.
I got him in November 2009, and the years have gone by so fast. I knew he was slowing down earlier this year, and our daily walks became shorter and shorter, and when we took him to the park for walks, my husband had to end up picking him up and carrying him the rest of the way because he was too exhausted.
He was diagnosed with Kidney Failure in the early part of August, and he rapidly declined. On September 8, I made the decision to end his earthly life. It was agonizing and I still cry every day, I miss him so much, and I pray every night I will see him in my dreams, but I never do. Same with my father, I have prayed to see him and I never do.
My brother-in-law Jimmy passed away on June 22 of this year. He had fought an eight-month battle with cancer of the duodenum. It was a rare cancer, and they gave him only 6 to 9 months from the start. We watched him deteriorate over the next few months and by the end, he was starving to death, lying in his hospital bed, in a contorted position, and (hopefully) deeply unconscious so that he wasn't in pain anymore. He looked like a corpse to me, but he was still breathing. I hoped to God that he wasn't in that body anymore and was already exploring the next world. When I came to see his body after his death, he was still in the same position as I last saw him.
I was able to end my Mari's pain with euthanasia, but my brother-in-law had to suffer to the end.
The world is a painful place. I am struggling with trying to find the good in it, while grieving my losses. I sometimes look forward to when it is my time to go. I will then be able to see my father, my friend Carol, Jimmy, and little Mari, and all the rest of the pets and humans I have lost. I can't fathom why we come here to this earth. So much pain and suffering. I am never going to come back here.
Thursday, October 09, 2014
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Lessons in faith.
The day after my father's funeral, my husband and I were driving home - we were almost there, and we turned the corner on a road that my husband has driven on a thousand times before, when we saw a Kingfisher (bird) sitting on the bridge. We looked at each other and said "was that a Kingfisher?". He had never seen one in the 40+ years he has lived in Indiana. I thought it strange, and I mentioned it to my mother. She said that my father used to talk of his love of watching the Kingfishers near the pond where he grew up.
Still, my rational mind was thinking that of course there was a Kingfisher, there is a river right where he was sitting, and that is where Kingfisher's hang out! Then I thought that I would believe it if the Kingfisher actually showed up at our house where I could see it.
About a year later my husband and I were walking near the retention pond near our house (it is only about 100 ft from our house) when we heard some chattering up in the trees. We looked up, and there was a gigantic Kingfisher! It then immediately flew away and we haven't seen it since. So I figure showing up about 100 ft from our house, should be close enough for me to believe.
I had other encounters too, that I thought were signs from him. I have always loved toads. I have fond memories of being a child, and catching them at my childhood home. We had really big toads, and they would live in the moist area of the window wells of the house. Years later, in 2009, I was visiting my parents, and planting some flowers in their front garden. Before I had even arrived at their house, I had been thinking about those childhood happy toad memories and was hoping I would see one. Well, with all the digging I was doing, one just popped right up as if to say Hello! I was even able to run into the house and get my camera, and it was still sitting there as if to be waiting for me to "document" his presence. It was SO great to see that toad, and I felt like all would be well after seeing him (I was going through a divorce at the time).
That whole visit with my parents was great. I felt such peace there. I was even taking pictures of some flowers in the backyard, looking through the lens of my 35mm camera, when a beautiful butterfly appeared in my field of vision, and I was able to take many pictures of it. It just sat there, as if posing like a model. I left for home feeling very happy, and I was almost home when I got in a car accident that I was lucky to have survived. I remember thinking as my car was spinning out, going 70 mph on a busy highway with semi trucks right next to me, that "I had had a good life" and I just kind of "let it go" and wondered how I would end up. Fortunately I didn't have a scratch, no one else got hurt, but my car that I had just paid off was totaled!
But I digress. So forward to the present, when I was on my honeymoon in Ontario in September 2013, we were walking along a beautiful path in the forest, when we saw a pretty blue butterfly sunning itself on a rock. My husband said, "hey maybe that is a sign from your Dad". My rational mind was thinking "it's just a butterfly! they show up all the time! Now, if I see a toad, THEN I will believe it is my Dad". And guess what.... a few minutes later my husband shouted "there's a toad hopping across the path!". And there sure was!! We tried to catch it, but it hopped into the woods. But I did get a picture.
After all these signs, my mind STILL tries to rationalize them. I just want to "see" my Dad with my own eyes. I don't like all these - what could be - "subtle" signs that we get. Because to me, they could just as well be coincidences. I wish we could "see" something more concrete, more tangible.
Perhaps someone is trying to teach me about having faith. Perhaps faith is what we really need to get through this life on earth - with our limited five senses, our bodies can only see, taste, hear, smell, and touch so many things but not ALL things. Perhaps we are like the fish that live in the sea, who can only imagine what their reality actually is, because it is all that they can see, nothing else. They don't know of the vast world that exists around them. Perhaps, there is a vast unseen world around us too.
Still, my rational mind was thinking that of course there was a Kingfisher, there is a river right where he was sitting, and that is where Kingfisher's hang out! Then I thought that I would believe it if the Kingfisher actually showed up at our house where I could see it.
About a year later my husband and I were walking near the retention pond near our house (it is only about 100 ft from our house) when we heard some chattering up in the trees. We looked up, and there was a gigantic Kingfisher! It then immediately flew away and we haven't seen it since. So I figure showing up about 100 ft from our house, should be close enough for me to believe.
I had other encounters too, that I thought were signs from him. I have always loved toads. I have fond memories of being a child, and catching them at my childhood home. We had really big toads, and they would live in the moist area of the window wells of the house. Years later, in 2009, I was visiting my parents, and planting some flowers in their front garden. Before I had even arrived at their house, I had been thinking about those childhood happy toad memories and was hoping I would see one. Well, with all the digging I was doing, one just popped right up as if to say Hello! I was even able to run into the house and get my camera, and it was still sitting there as if to be waiting for me to "document" his presence. It was SO great to see that toad, and I felt like all would be well after seeing him (I was going through a divorce at the time).
That whole visit with my parents was great. I felt such peace there. I was even taking pictures of some flowers in the backyard, looking through the lens of my 35mm camera, when a beautiful butterfly appeared in my field of vision, and I was able to take many pictures of it. It just sat there, as if posing like a model. I left for home feeling very happy, and I was almost home when I got in a car accident that I was lucky to have survived. I remember thinking as my car was spinning out, going 70 mph on a busy highway with semi trucks right next to me, that "I had had a good life" and I just kind of "let it go" and wondered how I would end up. Fortunately I didn't have a scratch, no one else got hurt, but my car that I had just paid off was totaled!
But I digress. So forward to the present, when I was on my honeymoon in Ontario in September 2013, we were walking along a beautiful path in the forest, when we saw a pretty blue butterfly sunning itself on a rock. My husband said, "hey maybe that is a sign from your Dad". My rational mind was thinking "it's just a butterfly! they show up all the time! Now, if I see a toad, THEN I will believe it is my Dad". And guess what.... a few minutes later my husband shouted "there's a toad hopping across the path!". And there sure was!! We tried to catch it, but it hopped into the woods. But I did get a picture.
After all these signs, my mind STILL tries to rationalize them. I just want to "see" my Dad with my own eyes. I don't like all these - what could be - "subtle" signs that we get. Because to me, they could just as well be coincidences. I wish we could "see" something more concrete, more tangible.
Perhaps someone is trying to teach me about having faith. Perhaps faith is what we really need to get through this life on earth - with our limited five senses, our bodies can only see, taste, hear, smell, and touch so many things but not ALL things. Perhaps we are like the fish that live in the sea, who can only imagine what their reality actually is, because it is all that they can see, nothing else. They don't know of the vast world that exists around them. Perhaps, there is a vast unseen world around us too.
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