I would want to hide too...

...if I had your problems! I spent $200 at the vet getting a second opinion of my dog's problems. It was worth it, because i feel like I can really help him now.

He gets a bath twice a week with medicated shampoo to help his skin feel better from his skin infection. He gets an antibiotic for the next 21 days. He gets an ear cleanser to help with his waxy ears. He gets a pill to help him with his diarrhea. I can't help him with his cataracts, his ataxia, or his neurological problems (either a brain tumor or spinal cord problem) but I can try to make him more comfortable. This new vet thinks he is more than 10 years old. So the rescue group I got him from lied to me or were misinformed. They thought he was 5 to 7 years old.

I guess I sure know how to pick 'em. But I just love him so much, almost from the moment I saw him. I just have to watch my budget now and not spend so much money on stuff. It helps that I didn't spend much on x-mas presents this year (I am Jewish, but I still buy gifts for my parents and nephews and nieces, since they are not Jewish). And I was going to buy my husband an expensive cell phone, but it will have to wait now! :)

Helping an Old Dog

We have had our dog Treif since May. He has so many problems! The latest is a staph skin infection and I have to give him 1/2 a Baytril pill every day. It is not easy. He won't let me push it down his throat so I have to keep coming up with ways for him to take it willingly. I put the pill in hamburger, cheese, sausage, and I used to use peanut butter, but I am thinking he might be allergic to that (which caused him to get a skin infection in the first place).

He also has episodes like alzheimer's and sometimes will pee on the floor before I have a chance to get him outside. I can literally be putting on my coat and reaching down to put his leash on, and he will start to pee.

But God I love him. I can't believe how much. He is so cute!

Going back on meds!

I was ok for awhile, stepping down my dosage. I was in my third week of being on 25mg per day and I realized I was in a very dark place. I just felt so dark and gloomy. It kind of came on gradually. This could have been another "discontinuation syndrome" symptom. But I didn't want to wait around and find out. I hate the idea of being on Zoloft my whole life, but I guess my life is about half-over anyway (I am 40). And now zoloft is available in generic form so it only costs $8 per month for me (it used to be $20).

I guess things could be worse.

Research animals

Today I was upset about seeing some rats being experimented on in the lab I work in. It made me think (although there are other times I think about this stuff too):

Everything, down to the blue-algae in the sea, is full of life, and is also food to some predator. How can I be upset to see what goes on in a laboratory, when I myself eat hamburgers, turkey, chicken, etc. Where do I think they came from? They, too, were slaughtered (and probably not humanely) so that we can eat. I always hoped that all animals had a soul - even though most religions claim only humans do. How could that be? Just because we are more highly developed, we are still animals, just like those rats - what makes us so different? Our intelligence (or so-called intelligence)? How do we know that rats don’t have their own kind of intelligence, or are even self-aware as we are? Or cats? Or dogs? Just because we don’t understand them and how they think, doesn’t mean we can use them at will for whatever purposes we see fit. Or does it? Because we are at the top of the food chain, does that give us a right to take the lives of any kind of animal for our own purposes?

But on the other hand, if someone told me that my husband, my nephews, or ANYONE, was sick and going to die unless they could find a cure (using animal research), I would be for it!

I am such a hypocrite!

And what if NONE of us has a soul? Then why are we here? What is the point of life? Why should we all try to be “good” then?

Going off the meds!

I have decided, after about 7 years, to go off of my antidepressant medication. I initially started medication after getting dumped by my boyfriend. My sister urged me to try it because it had helped her so much. And I have to admit it was like coming out of a fog into the bright sunshine. I became interested in life, I was creative, I lost 20 pounds, etc. But maybe it was only masking the true problems in my life, so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

I was on Zoloft for about 4 years when my insurance decided it wouldn't pay for it anymore. The idiot doctor I was seeing switched me to Effexor cold turkey. She said it was the same as Zoloft, which couldn't be further from the truth. They're not even in the same family! I think I was on Effexor for maybe two weeks before realizing what a terrible mistake that was. I tried to wean off of it with Wellbutrin, then Lexapro (which I took for quite a few months). Eventually I started to feel normal again, but it took months of headaches, body aches, irritability, not feeling well, etc. the list goes on and on... A few months ago I switched back to Zoloft (my new doctor reasoned since I did so well on it in the first place, then I should go back to it). But I have not had the same success. Particularly, low libido is a problem, whereas it wasn't when I was on Zoloft the first time.

Anyway, I am scared of being like this the rest of my life. I don't want to be constantly on medication. I have been in therapy for almost a year now so that is helping. I found a great site, www.crazymeds.org, that talks no-nonsense about how much it sucks to be on meds when you don't need to be. It also talks about how great they are when you NEED to be on them. It also talks about Discontinuation Syndrome, which most doctors don't believe happens, but is in fact a very real occurance, which I am now going through. Even my own Psychiatrist doesn't believe in it. I wonder how much the pharmaceutical companies pay him not to believe?

I also like dogs!

I adopted a dog from petfinder.com. We (my husband and I) named him Treif, which means non-kosher in Yiddish. He is a funny dog. He is much older than they told me he was, probably around 10 years old. I don't know his history, where he came from, etc. I just know that he is a grumpy dog, but can be really sweet too. I am very much amused by him.

My two cats get along ok with him. Cricket, though, is probably pretty mad that he is in "her" house. She is probably just realizing that he is never going to leave. LadyBug doesn't seem to mind him at all. I see them sometimes bumping noses, and there is no fighting between them.

Treif doesn't seem to know how to play. We give him toys but he just looks at them and does nothing. He does love to eat table scraps. I always give him some of my dinner (and Cricket too). He also loves to sleep. I guess that is natural for a dog as old as him. I don't know why I picked him; there were other cute dogs on that website too, but there was something about him. I think maybe because he reminded me of Snoopy from the Peanuts cartoon.

Growing older

As I was driving to work the other day, it occurred to me that I have owned at least five new cars in my lifetime, and for most of the time I was really excited to have them. I would wash and wax the cars frequently and worry about dents and scratches. The older I get, however, the less I care about those things. I just want to get from A to B in a reliable car that doesn't give me problems. I don't think I wash my car more than three times a year, and I never wax it!

That made me think about other ways growing older has affected me. I used to read People Magazine as a guilty pleasure, and I still do. However, now I realize I have no idea who some of these people are!

When I was going to college, I lived with several roommates, and you can imagine the noise we used to make (especially when we were ready to go out and "party"). Now, noise bothers me and I don't like going out. I don't even like hearing the neighbors. I guess I am one of those cranky old ladies now.

And forget about those late night runs to Taco Bell - now I can barely think about eating at night without getting heartburn! Heck, I can barely think about food at all without gaining 10 pounds.

I guess I am entering a phase in my life that all people go through. Afterall, I am now at an age (almost 40) that when I was young I considered to be "ancient". It never occurred to me I would be this old someday. Time flies.

Deep thoughts

I wonder sometimes about the different kinds of religions that exist, and of people who consider themselves atheists. I believe that there is something bigger than us in this vast universe. But I understand when people want "proof" that God exists - it's hard to believe something that you don't see. I don't have any proof. Nobody does.

I was thinking "if there is no God, than how do we have a sense of what is right and wrong?" It seems to be innate in most people, and even in children that have grown up abused it is still there (of course, there are a lot of kids that grow up that way who don't have a sense of right and wrong, but in general most people innately know what is right and wrong). Where did this come from?

As for me, I would have a hard time living if I didn't believe there was more than just this life. I see cruelty (especially to animals), lying, cheating, etc. in our world and hope that there is an end in sight for whomever is suffering. But to just die and experience nothing?? I would hope there is some kind of reward after living with suffering. It is just unbearable if the opposite is true.

Winters of the past

This is from a Michigan winter past. I can't remember the last time it snowed that much where it lasted a whole season. These days, the snow doesn't last long!

Dearly departed cats

Blossom is the siamese cat. She died when I was just out of high school, in 1985 at the approx. age of 19.

Peaches is the black and orange calico. She died after I had her for only six months. She was a shelter cat that had lived in the same shelter for almost 13 years (so they told me). She was just so old and sick.

Sweet-Pea is the black and white cat. She was born in 1983 and died in 2002 of old age.

Tappy is the creamy orange and gray calico. She was my other baby. She was born in 1986 and also died in 2002 of diabetes and cancer. I hadn't seen much of her in her final years because I moved away and left her with my Mom and Dad. She was much happier with them than she would have been in my tiny little apartment, all alone while I was at work all day. I miss her a lot. Her cancer was caused by yearly injections of shots (injection-site sarcomas). Now I don't give my cats any shots except for distemper and rabies (by law). They are inside only cats anyway.

Thoughts about exercise

A fat stomach on me when I was a kid. Still have it!

I never liked to exercise. From as long as I can remember. I remember riding my bike when I was a kid just around the neighborhood but I always was thinking that I wanted to go home. It was never fun. I never felt safe, even though I lived in a very good neighborhood. I did ride my bike to school one time (it was over 5 miles one way), but I never did it again. Too much exertion and I had to get up too early.

In school I was never good at sports. In fifth grade I remember playing softball and my team lost. I was confronted by this mean boy who said "if you weren't so fat, we would have won!". Thus my aversion to any kind of competitive sports. At home, my brother and sister and I used to play badminton, but we didn't follow any rules. So there was all kinds of hitting the birdie out of bounds and hitting it so high up we couldn't even see it.

I hate exercise with a passion. I don't understand the people who say it makes them feel good. I just ache, sweat and feel terrible. The key is supposed to be finding something you like to do. Well I don't like anything! I don't like sports, I don't like swimming (in fact, I don't know how to swim) - even walking around the neighborhood doesn't appeal to me because I don't like having to see other people who are out walking themselves. It's not that I don't like them, it's my introverted self that feels uncomfortable.

So I have an elliptical in my bedroom, but I rarely use it because it is so boring! I would rather lie unmoving on the couch. I am hopeless!

LadyBug with her good friend Cricket. Well, they get along for the most part. 

Obsessed with food

I am obsessed with food. It is what I think about when I get up, during the day, and even when I go to bed at night. Obsessed with how many calories it has, what I can eat and what I can't eat (and what I shouldn't eat and what I shouldn't have eaten), and the fact that I am not willing to give it up. I carry an extra 30 pounds on my 5 feet 6 inch frame, and you would think that since I am nearing 40 years old that I would be panicked. Well I am! But I am not panicked enough, I guess, to do something about it. I will occasionally do 20 minutes on my elliptical, but I usually end up going for days without, so it ends up not helping at all.

How does one get motivated to lose weight? I suppose if a doctor told me it was a matter of life or death, only then would I do it. It is so sad that it would have to come to that!

I don't know what it is. Does food release powerful endorphins in my brain? Why won't exercise do that for me (as some people claim it does for them)?

When I deprive myself of delicious-tasting foods like chocolate, pasta, bread, rice, etc. I get so crabby and I feel like I am being punished. Does anyone else out there have that same feeling?

My baby LadyBug. I am so dependent on her! Yes, I am a crazy cat lady I guess.