I am not even sure what to say. I found myself today holding my head in my hands, just sick and tired of everything. I am not sure if I am going through a mid-life crisis, or if there is some kind of change in the air...
For most of the year I have been feeling increasingly disturbed. There are reasons that are certainly understandable: my nephew had to be sent to reform school and got in trouble with the law (at only 15 years old!), my brother is frequently out of work and depressed, my friend is battling a rare form of cancer that has a very low survival rate, my father is aging and at 82 years old can no longer see well, walk, or really do anything for himself. He is trapped in a body that doesn't work. My sister is my parent's primary caregiver and she is really unhappy after having lost her job and having to move in with them. It is not a job she wanted. Also, my job is in jeopardy; there is not enough money to keep me, although my boss is trying.
In addition, I am realizing the worst mistakes I have made in my life: converting to judaism and getting married. Why in the hell did I do that? I was completely with the wrong person. He couldn't have been more wrong for me. I see that, now that I am with the one I was meant to be with. While I was enduring my marriage he lived less than two miles away, went to the same grocery store I went to, etc. So close, yet so far. As for judasim, I am hoping that God understands that I had completely lost my mind and will forgive me for not being sincere in my beliefs. I thought I had been at the time, but once again, if hindsight was 20/20...
All of these problems would make anyone feel disturbed. But oddly, I think most of all is the state of this year's election. How anyone could vote for Romney/Ryan is something I can't grasp. I walk around in a state of disbelief that the polls say the election is so close. How could that be? Those men are clearly psychopaths; it has been proven over and over that they cannot be trusted, that they will say anything anyone wants to hear just so they will be elected. It is obvious they are being controlled by the religious right, that anyone could even THINK about voting for them, just leaves me so depressed and hopeless. Do people just not care about each other anymore? Are they all out for themselves? I have completely lost faith in mankind. How can I deal with the problems I have when I have to worry that our country is about to be handed over to a man who is a psychopathic robot-like carbon life form? Someone who is so completely out of touch with the rest of us - how can he understand what we go through when he has more money than God?
I am just about ready to say "I'm out" - I can't deal with this anymore. Something has got to give.
