My bedroom through the years

I lived with my parents until I was around 31 (!!) - I just didn't make enough money to live by myself, and I didn't date at all so I never met someone to marry or move in with. The other day, I was going through some old pictures and found several of my bedroom during three distinct decades. They are:

The 1970's:
Pink shag carpeting! Yuck!
You should see one of the walls (not shown) - it was wall-papered in pink, yellow, red, blue, and green flowers so bright it could blind you. We used to accidentally get silly putty in the carpet and my mom would be so mad.

The 1980's:



I guess yellow isn't too bad of a color for a room. We took out the pink shag carpeting and refinished the hardwood floors.


The 1990's:



You can never go wrong with white. I am not sure I like the wallpaper anymore. I like blinds more than curtains. Wish I could afford them in the house I have now!








Of course, the pictures above were taken at their cleanest and most orderly. The following pictures represent what it usually looked like (at least in the 1970's). We called it "Wild Kingdom":

People suck

You Are 67% Misanthropic

Here's the truth: Most people suck. You are just lucky enough to know it. You're not ready to go live alone in a cave - but you're getting there.

How Misanthropic Are You?

The Past

My past infringes on my present life almost on a daily basis. My mind is swimming with memories, mostly bad ones, sometimes so often that it interferes with my life. Today I am at work, but I haven't done anything productive. My brain is just too fogged up with negativity.

Last night was our Seder and two of our guests were very attractive young women. I was aware the whole evening that I was the heaviest woman there. They looked fabulous, and I felt I looked frumpy and fat, even though I tried to look my best. But the fact is, if you are chubby, you are chubby; and no piece of clothing will magically transform you into one of them!

So part of my brain says "so what?". I don't care if other people are fat, why should I care if I am? But the other part of my brain does notice if other people are fat. I believe I was "taught" to be ultra-sensitive to it because of how I was teased and downright bullied by kids when I was in school. Looking back, I was not even that fat, but it was enough that I was singled out by them. I guess in the 1980's, even a little bit of chubbiness was scandalous, at least in the little town I lived in.

Why it has left me so scarred is something I am scratching my head over. Why would it matter now? That was 25-30 years ago. I have a good job, a good marriage, a nice house; really, a "charmed life" compared to others. But it affects every aspect of my life, from my sex life (I don't feel like I am attractive so I am sure you can imagine how that would affect my sex life negatively) to just going out and being in the world (again, I don't feel like I am attractive, or thin enough, to be out in public without feeling self-conscious - which I know is ridiculous! It's not like I am a 600 pound woman with kids pointing and laughing and adults averting their eyes!!). I LOVE staying home, wearing oversize clothing (t-shirts and sweats, usually) lying in bed with my dog and cats. I feel so happy and secure at those times. It doesn't matter how I look, and I can relax and enjoy life. But if I have to go out, I get nervous and jumpy, and a feeling of dread sometimes comes over me. All of it I think is related to my negative childhood experiences.

I do not know how to get over this. I have been to therapy for a year, most of the time talking about my childhood, but I am not any better (meaning, my brain is still stuck where it was when I was a kid - the fat kid that no one likes). I have not been able to find any self-help books on the subject. Most of them deal with childhood sexual abuse and violence, none of which I suffered. Just the constant beating down of my sense of self-worth by rotten, rotten kids.

Maybe my amygdala and hippocampus in my brain have been permanently altered by the bad experiences, so that there is no hope for recovery. If I have any readers out there who have any advice, I sure would welcome it!