The Past

My past infringes on my present life almost on a daily basis. My mind is swimming with memories, mostly bad ones, sometimes so often that it interferes with my life. Today I am at work, but I haven't done anything productive. My brain is just too fogged up with negativity.

Last night was our Seder and two of our guests were very attractive young women. I was aware the whole evening that I was the heaviest woman there. They looked fabulous, and I felt I looked frumpy and fat, even though I tried to look my best. But the fact is, if you are chubby, you are chubby; and no piece of clothing will magically transform you into one of them!

So part of my brain says "so what?". I don't care if other people are fat, why should I care if I am? But the other part of my brain does notice if other people are fat. I believe I was "taught" to be ultra-sensitive to it because of how I was teased and downright bullied by kids when I was in school. Looking back, I was not even that fat, but it was enough that I was singled out by them. I guess in the 1980's, even a little bit of chubbiness was scandalous, at least in the little town I lived in.

Why it has left me so scarred is something I am scratching my head over. Why would it matter now? That was 25-30 years ago. I have a good job, a good marriage, a nice house; really, a "charmed life" compared to others. But it affects every aspect of my life, from my sex life (I don't feel like I am attractive so I am sure you can imagine how that would affect my sex life negatively) to just going out and being in the world (again, I don't feel like I am attractive, or thin enough, to be out in public without feeling self-conscious - which I know is ridiculous! It's not like I am a 600 pound woman with kids pointing and laughing and adults averting their eyes!!). I LOVE staying home, wearing oversize clothing (t-shirts and sweats, usually) lying in bed with my dog and cats. I feel so happy and secure at those times. It doesn't matter how I look, and I can relax and enjoy life. But if I have to go out, I get nervous and jumpy, and a feeling of dread sometimes comes over me. All of it I think is related to my negative childhood experiences.

I do not know how to get over this. I have been to therapy for a year, most of the time talking about my childhood, but I am not any better (meaning, my brain is still stuck where it was when I was a kid - the fat kid that no one likes). I have not been able to find any self-help books on the subject. Most of them deal with childhood sexual abuse and violence, none of which I suffered. Just the constant beating down of my sense of self-worth by rotten, rotten kids.

Maybe my amygdala and hippocampus in my brain have been permanently altered by the bad experiences, so that there is no hope for recovery. If I have any readers out there who have any advice, I sure would welcome it!