Something has got to give.

I am not even sure what to say.  I found myself today holding my head in my hands, just sick and tired of everything.  I am not sure if I am going through a mid-life crisis, or if there is some kind of change in the air...

For most of the year I have been feeling increasingly disturbed.  There are reasons that are certainly understandable:  my nephew had to be sent to reform school and got in trouble with the law (at only 15 years old!), my brother is frequently out of work and depressed, my friend is battling a rare form of cancer that has a very low survival rate, my father is aging and at 82 years old can no longer see well, walk, or really do anything for himself.  He is trapped in a body that doesn't work.  My sister is my parent's primary caregiver and she is really unhappy after having lost her job and having to move in with them.  It is not a job she wanted.  Also, my job is in jeopardy; there is not enough money to keep me, although my boss is trying.

In addition, I am realizing the worst mistakes I have made in my life: converting to judaism and getting married.  Why in the hell did I do that?  I was completely with the wrong person.  He couldn't have been more wrong for me.  I see that, now that I am with the one I was meant to be with.  While I was enduring my marriage he lived less than two miles away, went to the same grocery store I went to, etc.  So close, yet so far.   As for judasim, I am hoping that God understands that I had completely lost my mind and will forgive me for not being sincere in my beliefs.  I thought I had been at the time, but once again, if hindsight was 20/20...

All of these problems would make anyone feel disturbed.  But oddly, I think most of all is the state of this year's election.  How anyone could vote for Romney/Ryan is something I can't grasp.  I walk around in a state of disbelief that the polls say the election is so close.  How could that be?  Those men are clearly psychopaths; it has been proven over and over that they cannot be trusted, that they will say anything anyone wants to hear just so they will be elected.  It is obvious they are being controlled by the religious right, that anyone could even THINK about voting for them, just leaves me so depressed and hopeless.  Do people just not care about each other anymore?  Are they all out for themselves?  I have completely lost faith in mankind.  How can I deal with the problems I have when I have to worry that our country is about to be handed over to a man who is a psychopathic robot-like carbon life form?  Someone who is so completely out of touch with the rest of us - how can he understand what we go through when he has more money than God? 

I am just about ready to say "I'm out" - I can't deal with this anymore.   Something has got to give.

Overwhelming feelings

I work at a University medical school, where I know there is animal research going on, with all kinds of animals.  In addition, the med school students dissect human cadavers.  That does not bother me in the least.  However, the animals... most of the time I can go about my day and not think about it.  But sometimes I stop, and the feeling overwhelms me, that I just cannot stand it - I cannot live in a world where helpless creatures are experimented on, I cannot live in a world where atrocities are occurring daily (children starving, people being tortured, etc.).  When these feelings overwhelm me, I just don't want to even exist anymore.  I always pull myself together, but it is terrifying, this feeling.  I don't know if it's an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person - see Elaine Aron) thing.  I just feel like it is, because I imagine most people are walking around in their own worlds and don't think of such things.  It always makes me hope that there is something else, after this life, where we (animals included) can exist without pain and suffering.  If not, then I don't see the point in life at all.

I hate being called a Liberal.

I think the word "Liberal", as used to define someone's political views, is now a derogatory term that the republicans use.  We are supposed to be "bleeding heart" liberals who want to give out our money to those who they deem undeserving and have peace and love etc. etc.  And I don't know what else they believe but it is all negative and supposedly going to destroy our country.

What I am is a person who cares about others.  I am someone who realizes that the very people screaming about illegal aliens, are also descended from those who took the land away from Native Americans.  TOOK AWAY.  STOLE!!!  No immigrant in this country now is trying to do that.  What is worse?

I know that not all unemployed people are unwilling to work and just want to live off the government.

I know that NO ONE is PRO-abortion.  People are PRO-choice.  I know that it is no one else's business what I do with my own body.  Let me repeat:  NO ONE is pro-abortion.  Do the repubs think that abortions are fun?  I recently had a D&C to get a biopsy of the inside of my uterus.  It was not fun.  It is not fun being "scraped".  I can't imagine anyone WANTS to have an abortion.  But if I am raped, or find out my unborn baby is going to have multiple birth defects and will have a very hard and painful life, it is MY CHOICE what to do, not the government.

I know that there are others who live in this country who practice different religions.  I know that there are others of different races, colors, and creeds.  Isn't this what America is about?  Being free to practice whatever you believe in without fear of persecution?

I know that it is not a terrible thing to be educated.  Those screaming that President Obama is an "elitist" are just afraid of his intelligence.  What is so wrong with being smart?  Maybe if we made sure that all had access to good teachers and education, there wouldn't be so many people struggling to make ends meet. 

I know that life is complicated.  I know that if we all just treated others like we would like to be treated, that our earth would be a better place.

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12

The end of the world as we know it.

I've been a little depressed lately (I know, so what's new?) but this time it's not because of anything going on in my life.  It really feels like we are either near the end of times, or that the earth is going through a major overhaul, and possibly billions of people and animals will perish.  The recent years of soaring record-setting temperatures, the wildfires, the floodings... it makes me think that we now have 7 billion people on earth, and anytime you have a system that gets too big, it will ultimately crash.  I am sure there is a name for that, but I can't think of it right now.

Well, it seems like we are due to crash at any time now.  Maybe the Mayans predicted this in 2012.  Not that the "Rapture" will be upon us, but that the earth will undergo a major change.  Much like the "Black Death" that began in 1348, which claimed the lives of approximately 100 million people.  It is feasible that these new conditions on earth will breed new kinds of viruses and bacteria and it's not hard to imagine what the outcome of that will be.

And lets not leave out a mention of the current state of politics.  It really seems like there is a battle between good and evil now, fighting for control.  There is no more civility in our culture.  People are downright rude and crude about it.  It makes me just want to turn off the tv and radio and retreat into my own world, and never venture out anymore.  It all seems so hopeless.  I feel like giving away most of what I own and hunkering down in the basement to await my fate, whatever that may be.

Easter Eggs

I wanted to make something to give to my boyfriend's great nieces and nephews on Easter Sunday. I found some egg patterns on the internet, but had to alter them so that they would fit over those plastic eggs you can get on the cheap (I paid $1 for a bag of six) - although I wish I had gotten some better quality eggs that close better. I discovered this after gluing the crocheted egg onto the plastic egg, and then it wouldn't close! So I had to unglue it and glue it back on so it wasn't so close to the edge of the egg. Even then, it didn't close very tightly. Oh well, live and learn. Here are some pictures. I used "I Love This Yarn" by Hobby Lobby (my favorite). If anyone reading this wants the pattern, just let me know and I will post it. But you can probably find free ones on the internet and slightly alter them to fit your eggs.

Vegas, baby!

Going to Las Vegas was a good learning experience for me. I was so afraid to fly. I had done it before, but not for a little less than 10 years. My boyfriend, he really wanted to go and really wanted me to come with him, so I swallowed my fear and went.

I just made sure I had my affairs in order before I left. No, just kidding :)

It was a lot of fun, once I got some rest after all the plane rides and shuttle bus rides and checking into the hotel, etc. etc. Then the plane ride back was rough because it was so windy (lots of turbulence). My boyfriend's arm must be sore where I gripped it the whole time!

We are going to California later this year, and I am actually kind of looking forward to it. I think I can get on more planes and not feel like they're going to crash. :) And I am glad that I can take my crochet projects on the plane. I was worried crochet hooks would be considered weapons.

Baby sweater and hat

A baby sweater and hat for a friend.

Car interior improvements

Well, I guess it's a matter of opinion whether it's an improvement.... I am so bored of my car, so I decided to make the inside more pleasant. I bought a new stereo, and crocheted covers (headrests, gear shift) along with putting up some of those cool ball trim (like in the 1970's).

Especially Thankful Today!

Thanksgiving is usually just a day I look forward to because of all the good food. I never really pay much attention to the meaning behind it. But this year, I am acutely aware of it. I am so unbelievably grateful for the way my life has turned out. I am with my soul mate, I have a good job, lots of new family (thanks to my boyfriend being one of 9 children and having 17 nieces and nephews!) - we live in a beautiful house in a great neighborhood.... I could go on and on.

Five years ago, I never thought my life would have worked out so well. I am so grateful. But also worried that it will all be taken away. But that is just my usual "worrywart" mentality and that is for another post :-)

True Love

True love is...

Never getting tired of gazing into their eyes

Missing them while they are away

Feeling their pain and wishing it was your own to spare them

Caring for them while they are sick, not caring if you get sick yourself

Laughing together and being silly

When the touch of their hand gives you a warm secure feeling

When you can't get close enough to them! -

knowing what it truly feels like to want to be one with someone.

There but for the grace...

That old saying "There but for the grace of God go I"... I was thinking of that today when I was driving home from work. I drive through a poor neighborhood, and feel so sorry for the bedraggled people I see out walking on the street, and the neighborhood sidewalks are cracked, houses are in poor condition, etc. etc.

But rather than "the grace of God", I was thinking "There but for the grace of having been lucky enough to be born in a good family that could afford to take care of me, and supported me, and was always there for me, go I"

What happened to the man that I saw today, walking along in mismatched dirty clothes, with dirty stringy hair? What happened to the woman I saw leaning into a car talking to the driver (in a rather suggestive outfit)? Did they not have supportive parents? Were their parents too poor to support them, to raise them to have self-esteem and have the financial backing to be able to send them to college? or at least to be able to give them a little bit of money to go to school?

Or did they all just make bad decisions, get hooked on drugs, etc. to end up where they are today? How are they going to be able to get out of their situations? Do they even want to?

It just bothers me so much. I know I am grateful for my life's circumstances, but I also think why was I so lucky and they weren't?

Too late to have kids?

Today I was looking at my college friend's pictures of her young children. They are adorable and look just like her and her husband. In the comments section, someone asked if they would have more, and the husband said "no, no more we are too old now!".

They are only 41 and 40 years old.

I had never thought much about having kids during my life. I figured it would just happen when it happened. But the problem is, it never did. Now, at almost 45, I am with the person of my dreams... he is my soulmate. I never believed in that concept, until I met him. He is like a mirror of myself, my true other half. The person that has been missing all my life. And I finally found him.

Which all sounds great, and it is. However, the kids "just happening" is no longer an option. Even if I were to have one, there is a huge, and I mean HUGE chance it would have birth defects, mental defects, etc. And there is a huge chance that my eggs are no longer viable anyway. And 45 IS too old to have kids. Being 50 years old with an energetic 5 year old child makes me tired just thinking about it.

My heart hurts about this whole thing. Really hurts. Sometimes I can't even TRY to think about it, because it is so upsetting.

From Absolutely Gorgeous Doilies, by Patricia Kristoffersen.

Pineapples and Webs

I have made two of these, I love them! From Pineapple Parade, by Yalanda Wiese.

Crochet Carnations

Pattern from Maggie's Crochet.

Snowflake

Made with larger size yarn than the pattern called for (pattern by Snowcatcher). Snowcatcher makes AWESOME snowflakes.

Groovy wall art

I made this to hang above my bed. I don't have a headboard, so wanted something cozy and fun. The pattern is Krochet Krystal's, a charity blog that gives out the pattern if you donate a few squares to make charity blankets.

Crochet cupcake

Based on some free patterns I saw on the internet. I just winged it and didn't write down what I did.

Columbia scarf

Pattern by Robin Chachula. I didn't want to order a $30 skein of yarn for the main color so I bought some on ebay that was hand-dyed for only $12.00.

Oversize Sunglasses Case

My mother has a pair of those oversize sunglasses (that fit over your prescription lenses). She had a case but lost it and now can't find another one. So she asked if I would make her one (and her twin sister too). This is what I came up with. All my own pattern too!