I was just thinking this morning that I am feeling so overwhelmed in my job and I don't know how much longer I can do it. Then I get an email from the boss that says I might be getting a big raise because of my excellent performance last year. Doesn't he know how much I suck? I make mistakes all the time and leave early at every opportunity (to rush home to my dog). Then another thought comes to me: my job is SWEET! It is never the same day to day, so it's not boring. I have a cool boss who lets me do my job and doesn't micromanage. So what am I complaining about?
Also, I know that I should be getting over the death of my cat, but I still cry and obsess over it often. I miss her so much. Sometimes I can't stand it. I desperately wish that she exists somewhere and is ok. I feel like I just HAVE to know if there is an afterlife or I will just go nuts and will have to be shipped off to an insane asylum. How can I live this life knowing there might not be anything after this life, that we just cease to exist? What is the point of anything then? How do people who have lost their loved ones go on? I don't want to hear from people that she was just a cat - I grieve over her the same as I would a person. A loss is a loss.
So, these are the things that have been going on in my mind lately. I guess the answer is yes, I am neurotic.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Recent crochet projects
If you want to know where I got the patterns, just let me know. I made up the pot holder pattern - it is Tunisian crochet. Also, the snakes pattern is mine too (made up, I don't remember how I did it).
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Three months have gone by...
since Ladybug died. I still think a lot about the periods up to and after her death. In the days after she died, a few things happened around the house that made me wonder:
1) My husband felt a cat walking on him one evening when no cat was there.
2) My husband saw a cat out of the corner of his eye jumping on a table, but when he looked directly, nothing was there.
3) We heard a loud crash downstairs - turned out it was a kitchen chair that fell over backwards. That has never happened before in the almost 5 years we have lived there. I don't think it was my other cat, because as I heard the crash, I sat up and saw her sitting in the hallway. I don't think she could have knocked the chair over and made it up the stairs that fast.
4) We had problems with our television. The sound would go out for no reason. After turning the channel and then going back, the sound would work again. This went on for about a week and then stopped. Nothing like that had ever happened before and since.
I was also despairing that I hadn't dreamed of Ladybug. I believe that sometimes dreams can be a way to contact "the other side". But then I finally did have a dream about her a few weeks ago. I was very concerned during the day about my father, who had been taken to the hospital with severe intestinal bleeding. He is in his upper 70's and in poor health, so I was worried that "this was it". That night, I dreamed very vividly all kinds of things, in a dream-within-a-dream. I remember being at my Dad's house, and he was taking all the furniture out of his den (as if he was moving somewhere), and I remember thinking in the dream "why is he doing that? he is not dead yet!"; then I was still at their house and making sure they weren't getting taken advantage of by some workers remodeling the house - I was yelling at people! - that is not something I would do normally; then later in the dream I saw Ladybug. I called her to me and she jumped on my lap. I remember petting her and remarking how good she looked - she had gained her weight back - I remember thinking in the dream "maybe she won't die now". In the dream, she still had her shaved tummy (where she had it shaved for her ultrasound about a month before she died). I was so happy she looked healthy again.
Then, I remember waking up from my dream within-a-dream and seeing something approach me to my left. I was lying in bed (in my dream) and I looked and my father was standing there smiling. I said "Hey, how are ya?" and he said "great!" and leaned down to hug me. I then freaked out, thinking, he must be dead if I am dreaming this (all along knowing I was dreaming in my dream - it is hard to explain). I struggled awake. My husband said I was yelling in my sleep. It was about 4:00 am, and I didn't fall back to sleep the rest of the night.
I felt a general sense of "everything is ok" after being awake for awhile but at the same time an apprehension that my father really was dead.
It turned out though, that he is fine now, and the bleeding was from an ulcer that they found in his intestine.
This dream is still vivid weeks later. I have not dreamed of Ladybug since. Some have told me that Ladybug came to me in my dream to comfort me because I was worried about my father, to show me that all will be ok and that there is more to this life. I would like to believe this.
Ladybug's ashes were buried at this pet cemetary, Pet Rest, and I plan on going to visit in a few months. I miss my little Bug-Bug.
1) My husband felt a cat walking on him one evening when no cat was there.
2) My husband saw a cat out of the corner of his eye jumping on a table, but when he looked directly, nothing was there.
3) We heard a loud crash downstairs - turned out it was a kitchen chair that fell over backwards. That has never happened before in the almost 5 years we have lived there. I don't think it was my other cat, because as I heard the crash, I sat up and saw her sitting in the hallway. I don't think she could have knocked the chair over and made it up the stairs that fast.
4) We had problems with our television. The sound would go out for no reason. After turning the channel and then going back, the sound would work again. This went on for about a week and then stopped. Nothing like that had ever happened before and since.
I was also despairing that I hadn't dreamed of Ladybug. I believe that sometimes dreams can be a way to contact "the other side". But then I finally did have a dream about her a few weeks ago. I was very concerned during the day about my father, who had been taken to the hospital with severe intestinal bleeding. He is in his upper 70's and in poor health, so I was worried that "this was it". That night, I dreamed very vividly all kinds of things, in a dream-within-a-dream. I remember being at my Dad's house, and he was taking all the furniture out of his den (as if he was moving somewhere), and I remember thinking in the dream "why is he doing that? he is not dead yet!"; then I was still at their house and making sure they weren't getting taken advantage of by some workers remodeling the house - I was yelling at people! - that is not something I would do normally; then later in the dream I saw Ladybug. I called her to me and she jumped on my lap. I remember petting her and remarking how good she looked - she had gained her weight back - I remember thinking in the dream "maybe she won't die now". In the dream, she still had her shaved tummy (where she had it shaved for her ultrasound about a month before she died). I was so happy she looked healthy again.
Then, I remember waking up from my dream within-a-dream and seeing something approach me to my left. I was lying in bed (in my dream) and I looked and my father was standing there smiling. I said "Hey, how are ya?" and he said "great!" and leaned down to hug me. I then freaked out, thinking, he must be dead if I am dreaming this (all along knowing I was dreaming in my dream - it is hard to explain). I struggled awake. My husband said I was yelling in my sleep. It was about 4:00 am, and I didn't fall back to sleep the rest of the night.
I felt a general sense of "everything is ok" after being awake for awhile but at the same time an apprehension that my father really was dead.
It turned out though, that he is fine now, and the bleeding was from an ulcer that they found in his intestine.
This dream is still vivid weeks later. I have not dreamed of Ladybug since. Some have told me that Ladybug came to me in my dream to comfort me because I was worried about my father, to show me that all will be ok and that there is more to this life. I would like to believe this.
Ladybug's ashes were buried at this pet cemetary, Pet Rest, and I plan on going to visit in a few months. I miss my little Bug-Bug.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Do you believe in psychics/mediums/spiritualists?
I know not many people read this blog. But I was just curious to hear, from those that do read this blog, if they have had any experiences that have convinced them that they are indeed for real.
My husband gets very angry when he hears of people that claim to be able to "talk to the dead" - he calls them charletons, who take advantage of people when they are vulnerable. He thinks it's all a load of crap; psychics are just people who are very good at cold readings, and they just give out general information that could be true for anybody. He insists that John Edwards, Sylvia Browne, and James Van Praagh have all been proven to be frauds.
I have never had any personal experiences, but I do hope that this world is not all that there is and that we continue on.
My husband gets very angry when he hears of people that claim to be able to "talk to the dead" - he calls them charletons, who take advantage of people when they are vulnerable. He thinks it's all a load of crap; psychics are just people who are very good at cold readings, and they just give out general information that could be true for anybody. He insists that John Edwards, Sylvia Browne, and James Van Praagh have all been proven to be frauds.
I have never had any personal experiences, but I do hope that this world is not all that there is and that we continue on.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
My Sick Dog
I have had my dog Treif for 1 1/2 years, and he has been steadily losing the use of his back legs ever since I got him. I took him to numerous vets who generally agreed that he has some kind of neurological problem. I was surfing the net yesterday and came across this web page here
and it exactly describes what is happening to him.
He drags his feet when he walks, I have to put bandages on his paws because they scrape against the ground and get raw and bloody. He can't get up from a sitting position without a little help; he struggles to pull himself up with his front legs. It is easier for him if he is on a carpeted surface. He sleeps a good portion of the day and when he is awake, I carry him everywhere (up and down the stairs, to the door, to his food bowl, etc.). He also has a little bit of dementia; not severe, but sometimes he seems to "forget" how to eat out of his food bowl (I hand-feed him until he catches on) and he will, when he is "walking" around, go and get caught in a corner or something and he can't figure out how to get out. He also gets very agitated, mostly in the middle of the night, and I try everything I can think of to calm him. It usually takes all night and leaves me with only a few hours of sleep a night.
We bought him a cheap wheelchair on ebay, but it just doesn't work for him. It is too bulky and heavy and hard for him to move around in. I need something lighter for him, but those cost $300 and upwards.
I get burned-out taking care of him. It is exhausting and it seems I can't do anything or go anywhere without making sure he will be ok while I am gone, or finding someone (i.e., my husband) to watch him while I am gone. For instance, he quite often will wake up and thrash around and fall off the bed, so we need to be around to make sure that doesn't happen. Or he will often start whining pitifully and needs to be comforted (I sure hope that when I am at work all day he sleeps ok in his cage, but I have a feeling he whines all day because he is lonely :(
But I love those moments when he is mentally in a good place, where he will lick my nose and wag his tail (sort of) when he sees me. I love him so much!
Sunday, December 02, 2007
2007 Bad Year for Pets I Know
1) February: On my boss's birthday, his dog died. Two days before her birthday, my co-worker's young cat died.
2) March: Pet food recalled for melamine contamination. Possibly thousands of pets killed or sickened. My dog is one of the sickened.
3) June: My brother's young dog collapses and dies of a heart ailment.
4) July: Five days before her birthday, my sister's cat died.
5) October: Eight days before my birthday, my cat died.
2) March: Pet food recalled for melamine contamination. Possibly thousands of pets killed or sickened. My dog is one of the sickened.
3) June: My brother's young dog collapses and dies of a heart ailment.
4) July: Five days before her birthday, my sister's cat died.
5) October: Eight days before my birthday, my cat died.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
My caricature
I had never had my caricature drawn before, until this past Sunday. She put Ladybug, Cricket, and Treif in the picture too and is having me knit. I think she made me look way better than I really do. And I am skinny in the picture too!
It's all about money
As the weeks go by, and I replay in my mind over and over the events leading up to Ladybug's death, I realized a few things. I am still angry when I think about this one vet I took her to, about two years ago when I first started noticing she was losing weight, who basically pooh-poohed my concern. After the blood tests came back, and they were normal, she told me it was a behavioral problem. Another year went by and at Ladybug's next physical she had lost even more weight. A different vet (at the same practice) told me she appeared to be having some sort of absorption problem and I should give her probiotics and more easily digestable food. A few months later, only then did another vet suggest that it might be something like IBS or cancer.
At this point, I was faced with hundreds (if not thousands) more dollars I had to cough up if I wanted to find out what was going on. It would entail surgery, biopsies, more blood tests, etc. I thought that would be way too hard on her (and also I didn't want to go into credit card debt) and decided to treat her as if she had IBS. Finally, an ultrasound at yet another vet a few months later revealed a large mass in her small intestine which she thought was probably cancer. By then it was too late, all I could do was make her comfortable.
If it wasn't for the money... if I had tons of money I would have done everything in my power to figure out what was wrong earlier. I would have taken her to a vet that specializes in cats only (they would have recognized how serious weight loss is). In fact, the vet that ended up euthanizing her was a cats only vet, and I used to go to her but stopped going because of how expensive she was. I went to her desperate to save Ladybug, but instead, shaking her head, said that Ladybug had only a few days to live, at best.
If it wasn't for the money... no expense would have been spared, and at the very least, she would have been able to stay with me much longer, and at best, I could have treated her with chemo and radiation and it could have cured her and she would still be here.
At this point, I was faced with hundreds (if not thousands) more dollars I had to cough up if I wanted to find out what was going on. It would entail surgery, biopsies, more blood tests, etc. I thought that would be way too hard on her (and also I didn't want to go into credit card debt) and decided to treat her as if she had IBS. Finally, an ultrasound at yet another vet a few months later revealed a large mass in her small intestine which she thought was probably cancer. By then it was too late, all I could do was make her comfortable.
If it wasn't for the money... if I had tons of money I would have done everything in my power to figure out what was wrong earlier. I would have taken her to a vet that specializes in cats only (they would have recognized how serious weight loss is). In fact, the vet that ended up euthanizing her was a cats only vet, and I used to go to her but stopped going because of how expensive she was. I went to her desperate to save Ladybug, but instead, shaking her head, said that Ladybug had only a few days to live, at best.
If it wasn't for the money... no expense would have been spared, and at the very least, she would have been able to stay with me much longer, and at best, I could have treated her with chemo and radiation and it could have cured her and she would still be here.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
My crochet and knit projects
Since Ladybug's death (and even before), I have been madly working on one project after another. I love to crochet (knit - not so much - but I will if I have to), and it is very relaxing and takes my mind off more troubling things.
Wow, there are even more I have done, but these are just a few.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Still devastated
I haven't been able to look at my blog since she died. Sometimes I try to peek, but I see her picture and the tears start to flow.
I wanted to write, however, about that day, the day she died. I had gotten up in the morning to go to work, and I offered her a fresh, open can of tuna. She turned her head away. I knew then I had to do something. At the time, I wasn't thinking of euthanasia; I just wanted to get her to a vet and I thought maybe they could put an i.v. in her or something (to hydrate and nourish her).
In the early afternoon at work, I was able to get an appointment for a cat doctor to see her. I went home at 1:00 and I picked her up from where she was sitting (she was still in the same place as when I left her at 8:00 am) and took her upstairs and put her on my lap. I patted her rump, something she always liked, and waited for the appointment. I even fell asleep at one point. Had I known then that that would be the last time I would have her on my lap, I wouldn't have slept! I would have cherished every moment.
When it was time for the appointment I put her in her carrier and told her, "no matter what happens, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER". In the car I told her how much I loved her, how pretty she was, and I sang to her the Bug-Bug song (where I chant Bug-Bug-Bug, Bug-Bug-Bug etc. to the tune of Jingle Bells). I often sang the Bug-Bug song to her (from her name, Ladybug) since the time I got her.
Normally on trips to the vet, she would protest (meow or jiggle the door), but this time she just sat there, her beautiful eyes looking out the windows. I will never forget that.
At the vet, she didn't like when the vet was examining her. She tried to get back in her carrier. When the vet was finished, she gave it to me straight: Ladybug was at death's door and would probably not live another two days. At the moment, she was not in much pain - but she would be soon. She was jaundiced, dehydrated, anemic, and weighed only THREE pounds. When the vet palpated her abdomen, she couldn't even tell the organs apart - the cancer was seemingly growing them together into an indistinguishable mass. I knew this was it.
As soon as we decided that she was to be euthanized, Ladybug laid down on the examining table looking around. She was so calm. I was wondering why she wasn't trying to get back in her carrier. Maybe it was just because the vet was no longer touching her, I don't know. While the vet went to get the paperwork for me to sign, I crouched down and talked to her. I asked my guardian angels to please look after her. I asked Ladybug to please come and visit me. When I was talking to her, she looked straight at me, and then looked above my head and then to her left. I wondered if she could see anything, or was she just looking at the posters on the wall??
The vet injected her in her hind end, and then placed her on a towel and handed her to me. I sat with her until she was asleep. She was in a deep sleep, and the last time I ever saw her was when the vet took her from me and I saw that her eyes were wide open, yet she was asleep. In another room the vet administered the final injection and then came to tell me she was gone. It was probably the most devastating thing I had ever gone through. Not even the deaths of my grandparents or a friend from high school affected me as much. I cried as I have never cried before. When I got home my husband was afraid to leave me (he had an evening meeting to go to) for fear I would do something to myself. He had a friend call me to make sure I was ok.
I am grieving deeply for Ladybug. I miss her so much, that sometimes I don't want to live without her. I know I must. I have people and other animals that need me. But I wish I could just be in spirit too so I could be with her. I cry almost daily. What is also distressing is that I had asked for her to visit me when she was in spirit, but I have not detected anything from her. Not even a dream. My husband said that one night he could feel a cat walking on him (NOT my other cat Cricket - she weighs 15 pounds and he would have known the difference) and the other evening he saw a cat jump on a table out of the corner of his eye, but there was no one there when he looked directly.
If that is her, why is she not appearing to me? I do want to believe that this life is not all there is, but it is so hard to when you don't see/hear/smell/sense any evidence.
On top of all this is the guilt I have for various reasons: 1) I should have tried harder to help her. When she was first losing weight I should have kept questioning what the vets were telling me (her blood tests were always perfect, so they told me it was probably nothing to worry about) and 2) I should have paid more attention to her. When I got the dog, I was so tied up in all his health problems that I virtually ignored her. And 3) I am grieving for a cat, when there are thousands of people dying every day in this stupid war in Iraq, in Darfur, Afghanistan, you name it. Also the hundreds of thousands of people that have no place to live, or live below the poverty line, etc. etc. I could go on and on.
So grieving for a cat may seem silly, but it is my reality and it HURTS.
I wanted to write, however, about that day, the day she died. I had gotten up in the morning to go to work, and I offered her a fresh, open can of tuna. She turned her head away. I knew then I had to do something. At the time, I wasn't thinking of euthanasia; I just wanted to get her to a vet and I thought maybe they could put an i.v. in her or something (to hydrate and nourish her).
In the early afternoon at work, I was able to get an appointment for a cat doctor to see her. I went home at 1:00 and I picked her up from where she was sitting (she was still in the same place as when I left her at 8:00 am) and took her upstairs and put her on my lap. I patted her rump, something she always liked, and waited for the appointment. I even fell asleep at one point. Had I known then that that would be the last time I would have her on my lap, I wouldn't have slept! I would have cherished every moment.
When it was time for the appointment I put her in her carrier and told her, "no matter what happens, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER". In the car I told her how much I loved her, how pretty she was, and I sang to her the Bug-Bug song (where I chant Bug-Bug-Bug, Bug-Bug-Bug etc. to the tune of Jingle Bells). I often sang the Bug-Bug song to her (from her name, Ladybug) since the time I got her.
Normally on trips to the vet, she would protest (meow or jiggle the door), but this time she just sat there, her beautiful eyes looking out the windows. I will never forget that.
At the vet, she didn't like when the vet was examining her. She tried to get back in her carrier. When the vet was finished, she gave it to me straight: Ladybug was at death's door and would probably not live another two days. At the moment, she was not in much pain - but she would be soon. She was jaundiced, dehydrated, anemic, and weighed only THREE pounds. When the vet palpated her abdomen, she couldn't even tell the organs apart - the cancer was seemingly growing them together into an indistinguishable mass. I knew this was it.
As soon as we decided that she was to be euthanized, Ladybug laid down on the examining table looking around. She was so calm. I was wondering why she wasn't trying to get back in her carrier. Maybe it was just because the vet was no longer touching her, I don't know. While the vet went to get the paperwork for me to sign, I crouched down and talked to her. I asked my guardian angels to please look after her. I asked Ladybug to please come and visit me. When I was talking to her, she looked straight at me, and then looked above my head and then to her left. I wondered if she could see anything, or was she just looking at the posters on the wall??
The vet injected her in her hind end, and then placed her on a towel and handed her to me. I sat with her until she was asleep. She was in a deep sleep, and the last time I ever saw her was when the vet took her from me and I saw that her eyes were wide open, yet she was asleep. In another room the vet administered the final injection and then came to tell me she was gone. It was probably the most devastating thing I had ever gone through. Not even the deaths of my grandparents or a friend from high school affected me as much. I cried as I have never cried before. When I got home my husband was afraid to leave me (he had an evening meeting to go to) for fear I would do something to myself. He had a friend call me to make sure I was ok.
I am grieving deeply for Ladybug. I miss her so much, that sometimes I don't want to live without her. I know I must. I have people and other animals that need me. But I wish I could just be in spirit too so I could be with her. I cry almost daily. What is also distressing is that I had asked for her to visit me when she was in spirit, but I have not detected anything from her. Not even a dream. My husband said that one night he could feel a cat walking on him (NOT my other cat Cricket - she weighs 15 pounds and he would have known the difference) and the other evening he saw a cat jump on a table out of the corner of his eye, but there was no one there when he looked directly.
If that is her, why is she not appearing to me? I do want to believe that this life is not all there is, but it is so hard to when you don't see/hear/smell/sense any evidence.
On top of all this is the guilt I have for various reasons: 1) I should have tried harder to help her. When she was first losing weight I should have kept questioning what the vets were telling me (her blood tests were always perfect, so they told me it was probably nothing to worry about) and 2) I should have paid more attention to her. When I got the dog, I was so tied up in all his health problems that I virtually ignored her. And 3) I am grieving for a cat, when there are thousands of people dying every day in this stupid war in Iraq, in Darfur, Afghanistan, you name it. Also the hundreds of thousands of people that have no place to live, or live below the poverty line, etc. etc. I could go on and on.
So grieving for a cat may seem silly, but it is my reality and it HURTS.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
Is the waiting the hardest part?
She is slowly dying. She still wants to eat, but when she tries she loses interest almost immediately. When we cook, she cries for the food, but when we give her some she tries to eat it but can't. She is still drinking, but spends the rest of her days sleeping. I occasionally find poop on the carpet; evidence of painful elimination (thus she avoids the litterbox). She can jump up on some furniture, but not all. And when she jumps down she usually lands on her side and then struggles up.
So I continue to administer prednisone to her; I force-feed pumpkin to her (to help soften her bowels) and have her sit on my lap so I can pat her stomach. She seems to really like that. This is all I can do for her - and wait. Wait for her to let me know it is time (as some people have told me will happen - I doubt that), or wait for the day I wake up and find her gone.
When she is gone, will I still cry every day? Or will a weight be lifted from my shoulders - she will no longer be suffering, and I will no longer have to see her like that. Will I feel guilt and anguish for not figuring out sooner what was wrong with her? or having to euthanize her?
Today my husband asked me how my life will be different without her. I don't care how my life will be; I just care about her life. Will she go to a better place, or is there just nothing? If she does go to a better place, will anyone be there to take care of her?
So I continue to administer prednisone to her; I force-feed pumpkin to her (to help soften her bowels) and have her sit on my lap so I can pat her stomach. She seems to really like that. This is all I can do for her - and wait. Wait for her to let me know it is time (as some people have told me will happen - I doubt that), or wait for the day I wake up and find her gone.
When she is gone, will I still cry every day? Or will a weight be lifted from my shoulders - she will no longer be suffering, and I will no longer have to see her like that. Will I feel guilt and anguish for not figuring out sooner what was wrong with her? or having to euthanize her?
Today my husband asked me how my life will be different without her. I don't care how my life will be; I just care about her life. Will she go to a better place, or is there just nothing? If she does go to a better place, will anyone be there to take care of her?
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
She's still hanging on...
Every day I wake up and wonder if she is still alive. She is hanging in there. She had been taking two doses of prednisone every day, but I reduced it to only one, because it was making her feel sicker. Now she will actually eat a little bit every day and seem interested in food. And I decided to let her eat whatever she wants. The vet said to feed her a raw canned food diet, but she was turning her nose up at it. It think it's better to eat a little bit of crappy food, than no food at all. After all, we're talking about quality of life. The raw food diet is supposed to slow the growth of the cancer, but if she is not eating it, then what is the point?Ladybug is now so light, that when I put her on my digital scale, it stays at "0".
BTW, please ignore my ugly mug. I wasn't exactly "made-up" for the camera.
Friday, September 07, 2007
In a previous post, I talked about my cat Ladybug and how she kept me up at night wanting to eat all the time. Since then I have spent almost $1000 in vet bills to figure out what is wrong with her. She got test after test, xrays, etc. and everything was always normal. However, she was losing weight (down to 5 lbs from 9 lbs) but still eating constantly.
Today she had an ultrasound and there was a large mass detected in her small intestine. It is almost certainly a cancer (lymphosarcoma). With her age (about 13) I decided not to subject her to surgery, since it would be awfully hard on her, and won't be a cure (most cancer cells from lymphosarcomas circulate into the cat's blood - the whole system is affected). Not to mention it would be another $1000 and then some. So I am treating her with steriods to try to "buy some time".
People who don't have a connection to pets just don't understand how devastating losing one is. And knowing that I will lose her probably within the next year, is going to be very hard to deal with. She is here with me now, and I can't grasp the fact that eventually she will not be here. I always had a problem with that. How can someone be here and then not be here? I am finding it difficult to express what I mean so I will end this post now.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Dog or cat?
You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat |
 You are a nice blend of cat and dog. You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful. And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long. |
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
My Grandmother
She was so talented! I took this picture of a bunch of doilies she made. The picture doesn't do them justice. They are just beautiful. I keep them put away because they are too pretty to use. I plan on learning how to do this kind of thing myself (just as soon as I am through with my other crochet projects).
Boy I regret not having her teach me herself. But I was a bratty teenager at that time and I didn't care. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. I hope wherever she is now that she knows that I am so sorry.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Cars I've Owned
My first car was a Reliant K! I just loved it; at the time, however, I didn't know that it was a very nerdy car to have. I remember asking the girl next door if she wanted a ride in it, and she was very polite, but I could tell she was unimpressed and even embarrassed that I asked.
My second car was a Pontiac Sunbird. I can't remember where I got it, but I know the reason I got it was because an ex-friend of mine had an older version, and I wanted to have one that was "better" than hers.
My third car was an Oldsmobile Cultlass Calais. I loved that car. I drove it for prit' near 10 years. It was in four accidents, the trunk leaked whenever it rained (a result of one of the accidents) and it didn't have any power anything (except steering), but I loved it. When I wanted to trade it in for my next car, the dealership wouldn't take it for a trade-in because it was such a piece of crap. So I gave it to my brother, who drove it another couple of years until it fell apart.
.
So my next car was a Pontiac Sunfire. I saw it when my Dad was using one for a loner car; I went right out and bought one. I loved that car too, even though it too had no power windows, locks, keyless entry, etc. It was really fun to drive. I would probably still have it if it were not for 9/11. A month after that, the country was going crazy and I decided I was worried about the economy and that buying a new car would be me doing my part. What a stupid idea. I got a Saturn L100, which was an ok car, but it had NOTHING on it. It was one of those deals that either you paid around $16,000 to have no options, or you paid in the $20,000 and above range to get the options. I couldn't afford that.
About three years later, after I got married, my husband needed to buy a new car because his had died and wasn't fixable. He wanted a Toyota. So I decided to get rid of my Saturn while I had a chance. We both picked out, unknowingly to each other, a Matrix. When I found out that was what he wanted, I let him have it and decided to get an Echo. But the dealership didn't want to sell me one of those. They had Corollas sitting on their lot that they wanted to get rid of during their 1.2% financing sale. So I picked out a Corolla. I could have at least gotten a white one (I like white cars), but NO, I got a tan one.
So this is the car I have now. Why does it bore me so? It looks great and is a fine car. Yes, I know... I am lucky to even be able to have a new car, when others can't, and I know, there are worse things in the world. But this post is about cars. Along with other self-help books I am reading about various subjects, I should be reading one about why I can't be happy and thankful for what I have, and also one on being materialistic. This car will be paid off in another year-and-a-half, and for probably the first time in my adult life I will have no car payments to make! Let's see if I can hold onto it and resist the urge to get yet another one.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
More about animals...
My husband emailed this to me. He found it at ritualwell.org. It made me feel better knowing some attention was paid to animals in the Torah:
Rabbinic tradition makes clear God's role as the caretaker of all forms of life: "The Holy One, blessed be God, sits and sustains [all life], from the horns of the wild oryx to the eggs of lice." (Babylonian Talmud Shabbat. 107b) "Human and creature You preserve, Adonai." (Psalm 36:7) "In whose hand is the soul of every living thing and the breath of all humankind." (Job 12:10) "You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing with favor." (Psalm 145:16).
Created in God's image, we, too, seek to sustain all life. In the Book of Samuel, the prophet Nathan tells David about the relationship of a poor man and a little lamb: "He tended it, and it grew up together with him and his children: it used to share his morsel of bread, drink from his cup, and nestle in his bosom; it was like a daughter to him." (II Samuel 12:3) Such was this man's bond of love for his animal companion. Similarly, on a daily basis, many of us take care of our precious pets, our beloved animal-children, by feeding and sheltering them, by petting, walking, and playing with them. And, at the same time, in sustaining life, we are sustained. According to Rab, the sign of protection which God gave to Cain was a dog. (Genesis Rabbah 22:12) Like Cain's dog, our devoted companions protect and take care of us not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually. Ours is gratitude and reverence for their honest and humble example, generosity of spirit, and unconditional love.
Amen.
Rabbinic tradition makes clear God's role as the caretaker of all forms of life: "The Holy One, blessed be God, sits and sustains [all life], from the horns of the wild oryx to the eggs of lice." (Babylonian Talmud Shabbat. 107b) "Human and creature You preserve, Adonai." (Psalm 36:7) "In whose hand is the soul of every living thing and the breath of all humankind." (Job 12:10) "You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing with favor." (Psalm 145:16).
Created in God's image, we, too, seek to sustain all life. In the Book of Samuel, the prophet Nathan tells David about the relationship of a poor man and a little lamb: "He tended it, and it grew up together with him and his children: it used to share his morsel of bread, drink from his cup, and nestle in his bosom; it was like a daughter to him." (II Samuel 12:3) Such was this man's bond of love for his animal companion. Similarly, on a daily basis, many of us take care of our precious pets, our beloved animal-children, by feeding and sheltering them, by petting, walking, and playing with them. And, at the same time, in sustaining life, we are sustained. According to Rab, the sign of protection which God gave to Cain was a dog. (Genesis Rabbah 22:12) Like Cain's dog, our devoted companions protect and take care of us not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually. Ours is gratitude and reverence for their honest and humble example, generosity of spirit, and unconditional love.
Amen.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Do spiders have souls?
I know my post of June 18 was kind of a disturbing one (at least my husband didn't like it) but I was in a mood when I wrote it. I was really worried about an upcoming doctor appointment where I was to get a biopsy. It got me thinking of my own mortality (at least, I began to think about it even more than I usually do). And the last thing I needed/need is for someone to tell me that this is all there is. I suppose I should just stay away from the internet and the subject, but I can't help myself. I search for some kind of comfort, like personal accounts of ghosts and spirits which might convince me that there is something more to this life.
Other thoughts about this subject bother me, like when people claim that only humans have a soul. I believe that everything, down to insects, has some kind of "life force" - I just don't know what happens next. If I squash that spider I saw in my living room the other day, does it descend to heaven where its relatives and "God" are there to greet it? It sounds ridiculous. What about the trillions and trillions of other insects, fish, animals, one-celled organisms, etc. that exist and that EVER existed?
The only explanation that makes sense is what someone said on this site I was looking at once:
"It is said that when animals pass they return to a universal animal conciousness, but with pets, because we love them, they become part of our circle of life and therefore are waiting for us when we pass. We give them an individuality (and they give us love) that they would not have received in the wild, and therefore they become part of our circle of love and life."
What is love? Is it also a "life force" that has some kind of power? Is love really "God" then?
Other thoughts about this subject bother me, like when people claim that only humans have a soul. I believe that everything, down to insects, has some kind of "life force" - I just don't know what happens next. If I squash that spider I saw in my living room the other day, does it descend to heaven where its relatives and "God" are there to greet it? It sounds ridiculous. What about the trillions and trillions of other insects, fish, animals, one-celled organisms, etc. that exist and that EVER existed?
The only explanation that makes sense is what someone said on this site I was looking at once:
"It is said that when animals pass they return to a universal animal conciousness, but with pets, because we love them, they become part of our circle of life and therefore are waiting for us when we pass. We give them an individuality (and they give us love) that they would not have received in the wild, and therefore they become part of our circle of love and life."
What is love? Is it also a "life force" that has some kind of power? Is love really "God" then?
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Clean garages
What is up with people who have NOTHING in their garages (except their car)? Walking my dog tonight, I saw several where these people have absolutely nothing in there. No storage boxes, no hoses, no tools, no junk, no nothing. Are they beings from another planet? Aliens? Because I have never met a regular person who doesn't have a garage overflowing with stuff.
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