I don't say much about my dog Treif anymore, here or to anyone (except my husband and mother).  Most people I have talked to have said they are not sure if I should keep him around anymore - they say he sounds like he is not enjoying life anymore, and others say taking care of him is too hard on me.  That part is true.  Lately I have been feeling so utterly tired... it is exhausting taking care of him, and I am pretty much the only one that does.

At this point in his life, he can no longer use his back legs, and is even getting weak in his back, so that it is hard to hold himself up.  My father made him a cart to use, but he doesn't like it.  He will not use it to get around the house, only to turn himself around in circles.  Then he stands there, his head hanging down, as if to say "why are you doing this to me?".

I have to carry him up and down the stairs, around the house, and outside.  I have a hind-end harness I use to lift his back end up so he can walk around outside.  He likes that.  He will actually run while he is in it too.

A few months ago I realized he was having a hard time eating.  He would just lick his food and seemed to have a hard time picking it up in his mouth.  So now I hand-feed him.  

When I am not feeding him or walking him outside, he sits on the bed.  Most of the time he will want to move around, but he can't, so whenever he wants to turn another direction, I have to help him.  It is frustrating, and I am sure it is for him too.  To make matters worse, he doesn't play, chew on bones, etc. - never did.  It's like he never learned how (we don't know where he came from, but they thought probably from a puppy mill where he was used as a stud).  So there is nothing for him to do except sleep or stare at me plaintively, which also stresses me!

During the day while I and my husband are at work, he stays in his kennel.  I worry about him all day, because he can't move around by himself in there.  And when he does manage to change his position, he usually maneuvers himself into a bad spot where he can't move AT ALL for the rest of the day.  The poor dog!  How does it feel to be stuck in the same spot for 8 hours?  Sometimes I come home and he is so stiff from being in the same position all day, that it takes a couple of hours to work out the stiffness.

And last but not least, most nights he keeps me up for hours because of his restlessness.  It can take over an hour to figure out how to calm him down.

But I don't think he is ready to go yet.  He looks better now (and I think feels better too) then he did during the first year we had him.  He had terrible skin infections, and digestive trouble, but now he is fine.  He does like to eat, even though I have to hand-feed him.  He seems happy when we go outside, and when I come home from work he is so happy to see me he will actually start vocalizing and then he tries to lick my face.  So I can't justify making the decision that will end his life here on earth.  I will just have to continue to do all I can for him, even though it is wearing on me.

I really think of this as fixing the bad karma I had from not treating some family dogs well when I was little.  We had an outside dog that I didn't pay enough attention to, a lab mix with high energy, that spent his life chained to his dog house.  I never (nor did my brother and sisters) EVER took him out for walks or let him loose to run around.  We also had a couple of inside dogs that I used to yell at for being in my way, or making too much noise, or whatever.  Those poor dogs.  I hope that what I am doing for Treif makes up to them how I treated them.