Cats, Dogs and Food - The Things I Love

Baby sweater and hat

2012-02-02T16:00:00.003-05:00

A baby sweater and hat for a friend.

Car interior improvements

2012-01-16T15:48:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess it's a matter of opinion whether it's an improvement.... I am so bored of my car, so I decided to make the inside more pleasant. I bought a new stereo, and crocheted covers (headrests, gear shift) along with putting up some of those cool ball trim (like in the 1970's).

Especially Thankful Today!

2011-11-24T09:46:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving is usually just a day I look forward to because of all the good food. I never really pay much attention to the meaning behind it. But this year, I am acutely aware of it. I am so unbelievably grateful for the way my life has turned out. I am with my soul mate, I have a good job, lots of new family (thanks to my boyfriend being one of 9 children and having 17 nieces and nephews!) - we live in a beautiful house in a great neighborhood.... I could go on and on.

Five years ago, I never thought my life would have worked out so well. I am so grateful. But also worried that it will all be taken away. But that is just my usual "worrywart" mentality and that is for another post :-)

True Love

2011-10-18T15:47:00.002-04:00

True love is...

Never getting tired of gazing into their eyes

Missing them while they are away

Feeling their pain and wishing it was your own to spare them

Caring for them while they are sick, not caring if you get sick yourself

Laughing together and being silly

When the touch of their hand gives you a warm secure feeling

When you can't get close enough to them! -

knowing what it truly feels like to want to be one with someone.

There but for the grace...

2011-09-22T17:09:00.003-04:00

That old saying "There but for the grace of God go I"... I was thinking of that today when I was driving home from work. I drive through a poor neighborhood, and feel so sorry for the bedraggled people I see out walking on the street, and the neighborhood sidewalks are cracked, houses are in poor condition, etc. etc.

But rather than "the grace of God", I was thinking "There but for the grace of having been lucky enough to be born in a good family that could afford to take care of me, and supported me, and was always there for me, go I"

What happened to the man that I saw today, walking along in mismatched dirty clothes, with dirty stringy hair? What happened to the woman I saw leaning into a car talking to the driver (in a rather suggestive outfit)? Did they not have supportive parents? Were their parents too poor to support them, to raise them to have self-esteem and have the financial backing to be able to send them to college? or at least to be able to give them a little bit of money to go to school?

Or did they all just make bad decisions, get hooked on drugs, etc. to end up where they are today? How are they going to be able to get out of their situations? Do they even want to?

It just bothers me so much. I know I am grateful for my life's circumstances, but I also think why was I so lucky and they weren't?

Too late to have kids?

2011-08-10T11:45:00.003-04:00

Today I was looking at my college friend's pictures of her young children. They are adorable and look just like her and her husband. In the comments section, someone asked if they would have more, and the husband said "no, no more we are too old now!".

They are only 41 and 40 years old.

I had never thought much about having kids during my life. I figured it would just happen when it happened. But the problem is, it never did. Now, at almost 45, I am with the person of my dreams... he is my soulmate. I never believed in that concept, until I met him. He is like a mirror of myself, my true other half. The person that has been missing all my life. And I finally found him.

Which all sounds great, and it is. However, the kids "just happening" is no longer an option. Even if I were to have one, there is a huge, and I mean HUGE chance it would have birth defects, mental defects, etc. And there is a huge chance that my eggs are no longer viable anyway. And 45 IS too old to have kids. Being 50 years old with an energetic 5 year old child makes me tired just thinking about it.

My heart hurts about this whole thing. Really hurts. Sometimes I can't even TRY to think about it, because it is so upsetting.

2011-07-18T12:09:00.001-04:00

From Absolutely Gorgeous Doilies, by Patricia Kristoffersen.

Pineapples and Webs

2011-02-10T12:56:00.003-05:00

I have made two of these, I love them! From Pineapple Parade, by Yalanda Wiese.

Crochet Carnations

2011-01-24T08:44:00.002-05:00

Pattern from Maggie's Crochet.

Snowflake

2011-01-06T11:03:00.002-05:00

Made with larger size yarn than the pattern called for (pattern by Snowcatcher). Snowcatcher makes AWESOME snowflakes.

Groovy wall art

2010-11-08T14:16:00.003-05:00

I made this to hang above my bed. I don't have a headboard, so wanted something cozy and fun. The pattern is Krochet Krystal's, a charity blog that gives out the pattern if you donate a few squares to make charity blankets.

Crochet cupcake

2010-09-27T13:44:00.003-04:00

Based on some free patterns I saw on the internet. I just winged it and didn't write down what I did.

Columbia scarf

2010-09-27T13:41:00.002-04:00

Pattern by Robin Chachula. I didn't want to order a $30 skein of yarn for the main color so I bought some on ebay that was hand-dyed for only $12.00.

Oversize Sunglasses Case

2010-08-12T12:13:00.003-04:00

My mother has a pair of those oversize sunglasses (that fit over your prescription lenses). She had a case but lost it and now can't find another one. So she asked if I would make her one (and her twin sister too). This is what I came up with. All my own pattern too!

Mari the dog

2010-04-04T11:56:00.002-04:00

I don't write much on this blog anymore. With my Facebook page, that is pretty much where I am most of the time!

I was looking on this blog and realized I never put up a post about my dog Mari. I got Mari when I saw him on Petfinder.com (just like how I found Treif). I had also seen a lot of other dogs I liked, but Mari's foster mom was the only one that responded right away and with regularity. I took that as a sign he was the dog for me (I tend to think the easier things turn out to be, the more it was meant to be).

So I picked him up in Toledo in November, the weekend before Thanksgiving. And now it is April already, and I can't remember what life was like without him. He is so entertaining. He is still having trouble getting along with my cat Cricket, but it isn't too bad. He also has a problem with peeing on the carpet occasionally. It is few and far between, but I am not good at discovering it until it is almost too late. So I bought a blacklight and regularly check the carpet for any "new" problems.

Is sometimes wonder why someone gave him up. Maybe they couldn't afford him anymore, maybe they didn't want even one accident on their rugs, maybe he ran away... I will never know. But I am glad he is in my life.

Footstool cover

2010-02-27T13:27:00.003-05:00

I finally finished it. I had bought the yarn way before xmas of 2009. It was not fun to make, that is why it took so long. The footstool was one of those vinyl blue-colored flexible ones, and I had had it for years and it never did match anything. I just decided one day to dress it up a bit.

Stupid Lupron shots!

2009-12-15T16:47:00.002-05:00

It has been awhile since I posted on my blog. Back in late August, my doctor wanted to start giving me monthly Lupron injections, in an effort to "starve" the endometrial tissue and kill it. Since then, I have had a hell of a time. I have had all the side effects (hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, worsening depression, hair loss, weight gain, etc. etc.). Each month I would tell him that I couldn't take it anymore, and he would want me to press on, so I did. Well this month was the last straw. It was my fourth injection, and I've decided enough is enough. The worst part of the whole experience is my inexplicable absent-mindedness, to the point where I don't even remember what I was doing or did. I have made numerous mistakes at work, and have been suffering for it (by having to work overtime and come in on weekends).

At my last visit I tried to tell him the problems I am having, and he was so very condescending towards me. First he accused me of forgetting to take my Aygestin pills (used to counter-act the side effects) and then he said that he has "never heard of" anyone with my problems. So in effect, I must be just imagining everything. I felt like it was the 1950's again.

So that is that. I am taking charge of my treatment. I say four shots are enough, and I am putting my foot down. I will not let any doctor make me feel insignficant and ignorant. He called me today "concerned" that I am discontinuing treatment and I told him how I felt about how he treated me. He said he did not mean to come off that way - well.... he did! He then proceeded to list all his credentials and why he is an "expert" in his field. He's been working with Lupron for over 10 years...blah blah blah. Sounds to me like he's got his hand in Big Pharma's pocket! No wonder he doesn't want me to stop treatment.

Crocheted Hydrangea

2009-09-20T14:11:00.002-04:00

This is for a friend of mine's birthday. Her favorite flower is a Hydrangea and her favorite color is blue (I think, lol), but I couldn't find a pattern anywhere so I just made my own. I found a picture of a blue Hydrangea on google.com and just tried to copy it. I might have gone overboard with the bleach (used to whiten the centers of the flower), but I like how it turned out.

Doll bed cushion and blanket

2009-09-20T14:02:00.007-04:00

I made this for my niece Kelly. She had gotten a doll bed at a garage sale for a few bucks but it didn't have a cushion, pillows, or blanket. So she gave me the dimensions and asked if I would make her one. I was delighted. It won't be much longer when she won't want anything like this anymore (she is 9 on Tuesday), so it was great!

For the cushions, I had an old pillow case that I cut out the little pillows for, and the bed cushion as well, then used my sewing machine to sew to size. Stuff with poly-fil, sewed up, and then added crocheted cover!

Another pet?

2009-08-06T21:26:00.002-04:00

So it is just Cricket and I now. We live in a two-bedroom apartment on the ground floor, that has mostly carpeting. Cricket is doing fine, but I feel like she needs something to do, or someone else around to play with.

So... dog or cat? I have been searching for a few days for a small dog on Petfinder.com. I find myself looking for a dog that looks just like Treif. God, I miss him. I tear up just thinking about him. And not only am I doing that, but I am thinking of other things, like having to leave the dog alone for 9 hours every day, feeling like I need to rush home because of the dog, etc. I would have to take him everywhere with me, like when I go up to Michigan. So maybe having a dog is not such a good idea right now.

So I went back to Petfinder and searched for cats. There are so many! Again, I find myself looking for one that looks like Ladybug, whom I also still miss very much.

How can I choose between so many of them? How can I just take one? A lot of the postings plead for you to take the cats' companion as well. So I would have three cats! That is a lot in an apartment. And then I worry that Cricket would hate the cat, and would start peeing all over the apartment. My parents had a cat that hated the other cats, and started peeing in corners all over the house. Soon they were all doing it! And they were all females too! It wasn't a spraying issue like male cats have. I have seen Cricket pee on towels that have been left on the bathroom floor. Granted, the towel was right next to her litter box, but still... would she start doing it on carpet if she was unhappy?

Sigh, what to do... what to do....

More projects

2009-07-29T18:28:00.010-04:00

I stayed home today, recovering from laparoscopic surgery to remove some endometrial tissue inside my abdomen (endometriosis). So I am just lying around and thought it would be a good time to post some projects I have done in the past few months:

It has been awhile

2009-07-13T01:44:00.002-04:00

I moved into an apartment on July 1st. Previous to that, I was busy packing and planning the move, so I haven't posted anything on here for a long time. I have been working on some crochet projects, but haven't posted any pictures yet. I am still unpacking! But as soon as I can, I will post some projects I have finished. I haven't even checked my ravelry page in over a month.

Seat belts really work!!

2009-05-29T21:55:00.008-04:00

I have never been in a serious accident before, but I was on Monday, May 25. I was driving home from visiting my parents in Michigan. I was only one hour from home. I was driving 70mph in the passing lane (passing a truck) and it was raining. Suddenly, my car hydro-planed, spun numerous times and somehow ended up crashing into the guardrail on the shoulder of the right lane, facing towards oncoming traffic! I don't know how I managed to walk away with only bruises and a mild concussion, because there was a lot of traffic and it seems like a miracle that I did not collide with others.

As the crash was occuring, I could feel the seat belt holding my body to the seat, as the rest of my stuff in the car went flying around. It was when the back end of my car, and then the front end, crashed into the guardrail that my head hit the side of the car. It was my only injury.

I have had a hell of a year so far: my dog died, my marriage is ending, my dad has cancer, I have a cyst on my ovary that I need to get checked out, and then I totaled my car that I had just paid off in February and had just paid for a $700 repair to the hub bearings. I don't know what else is going to happen, but I will try to prepare myself for whatever it is!

It's May already

2009-05-06T19:24:00.002-04:00

Time flies so quickly! I have had so many things going on in my life, that I lost track of time. I am still grieving my dog Treif, then my husband and I decided to divorce, then I found out my father has prostate cancer. Everything is happening at once.

We are hoping they caught my father's cancer early. His MRI and bone scan did not show the cancer had spread. Now he is taking drugs to block testosterone receptors in his prostate, and then will begin radiation. He will be 79 this year, so I hope that this treatment doesn't weaken him too much. He is already weak!

My husband and I decided that our differences are just too great to stay together. Originally it worked, but then we realized we were drifting further apart... and neither one of us wants to come back. So now I need to find a new place to live. I want to rent a house (maybe rent-to-buy???), but I can't afford the rent - at least in houses that are in good shape and in good neighborhoods. There is one I looked at that I liked, but it was in bad shape. Not sure if I want to take that on.

In the meantime, I am still living in the same house with my husband, but I sleep in another room (and have my crochet stuff in there too).

Life lessons

2009-04-07T12:28:00.002-04:00

Life is just a learning process, isn't it? No matter how old you are, there is always something new that you learn about yourself and other people. At 42 years old, I am learning that I have always been "too nice" - to the point of being taken advantage of. I have always been a peace-loving person who will willingly cedes to others in order to make them happy or "keep the peace". But I never really gave a good hard thought about what would make ME happy. I just didn't want to be selfish, I guess. I suppose there is a fine line... learning how to walk it is the trick.

So for the next phase of my life, I will try to figure out what it is that makes me happy. I am suspecting already that I will be much happier if I devote more of my time to volunteering and other pursuits that help make the world a better place. Or at least my part of the world.

Recent projects.

2009-03-30T21:59:00.004-04:00

I guess I have been bored lately.

Some of my projects...

2009-03-29T11:23:00.001-04:00

My Fur Angels

2009-03-22T07:39:00.001-04:00

It has been one week...

2009-03-17T12:22:00.003-04:00

since Treif died. I feel ready to talk about it now.

Treif had been getting so weak in the past few weeks. He couldn't hold himself up when I set him on the floor, so I would lean him against a wall to prop him up. When I fed him, I would have him lean against my leg while I put food in his mouth. He always had trouble at first with getting the food in his mouth and swallowing. But after awhile he would do fine.

When he had to poop, I would hold up his hind end so that he wouldn't mess up his fur. He always pooped in the bathroom instead of outside, because he would inevitably start to poop when he started eating (which is where I fed him). It was convenient for me because I would just flush it down the toilet, and I had cleaning wipes right there to clean the floor.

When I took him outside to pee, I would hold up his hind end with a harness. He used to love running around that way, but in the last few weeks his front legs would give out and he would end up sinking to the ground.

I carried him everywhere. When he seemed restless and wanted to move around, I would put him on the floor, hold his hind end up, and he would walk around that way. I had to bend over to do that (because he was so little) but I was glad to do it. It was a privilege to do it.

For the past two weeks, he had a bladder infection so was taking antibiotics twice a day. With two days to go, he had bad diarrhea so I stopped the treatment. He then had a really good day (on Sunday, March 8). I was so pleased that he felt better and seemed stronger.

On Monday the 9th, he seemed a little weaker, but I just thought he was tired for some reason.

On Tuesday the 10th, I started my normal routine with him. I got up and took him downstairs to go outside. As soon as I took off his diaper, he started peeing all over the place. After getting that cleaned up, I took him into the bathroom to see if he wanted to eat. He ate a piece of bologna and a slice of cheese. He was so cute when he was being fed. He looked so happy to be eating something tasty.

I put him in his cage and went to work. I left work at 3:00 because I was going to go home and finish my work there (computer work); I always tried to get home early every day to make sure he was ok.

On this day I took him out to pee, which he did, but shortly after, he stumbled and then vomited. Then he kind of "passed out"; meaning, he just laid there in a heap unmoving. But he was breathing. I picked him up and he leaned against my shoulder and his legs were completely relaxed and his eyes closed. I thought it was strange, because whenever I held him that way he usually had some tension in his legs. But not this time.

I checked to see if he was hungry. He just stared. So I put him in his bed and he fell asleep. Later, he woke up and I pulled his bed over to me and I scratched his face. Usually he would lean into it, but this time he just stared. Shortly after that, as my husband got home, he started howling and whining and I knew that something was wrong and I had to take him to the vet. I called them and put him in the car and we left.

As soon was we got into the car, he relaxed. He just laid there in the bed, in the car, and closed his eyes. Treif hated car rides; no matter how sick he was he would protest - but this time he just laid there. Occasionally he would open his eyes and look around, but his head never lifted.

At the vet, he did the same thing, just laid there. He didn't seem to care that he was at the vet, which would also normally be stressful. Now I knew it was time. I talked to him and asked him to please visit me. I called upon my guardian angels to come to him and stay with him. I cried and told him I tried to help him as much as I could, but I couldn't do it anymore. He just laid there and stared. I am not sure he knew who I was.

I couldn't bear to be with him when the lethal dose was administered. I figured he didn't seem to know me anyway. I hoped my angels would be there to meet his soul as it left him.

I haven't known what to do with myself since he left. I haven't moved his pillow and blanket at the end of my bed. My husband took down his cage, and it looks weird without it there. I have a hard time going downstairs or going outside; everything reminds me of him and I can't believe he is gone and I will never touch him again. Never look into his puppy eyes - he always looked like a puppy to me, he was so sweet and I thank God I had the privilege of taking care of him.

Goodbye baby boy - ~1995 to March 10, 2009

2009-03-10T18:22:00.002-04:00

Pink socks and valentine's envelopes

2009-03-04T09:02:00.002-05:00

The sock pattern is from "Crocheted Socks" by Janet Rehfeldt and Mary Jane Wood. The envelopes are from a free pattern on the Lion Brand website.

Tribute to Grandma

2009-02-11T09:41:00.005-05:00

I remember my grandma Minick used to have crocheted doilies all over her house (under lamps, on the dining room table, etc.). She must have worked so hard on them! After she passed away, somehow I ended up with most of them and have only recently decided to figure out what to do with them. I picked out three of my favorite ones, and bought a shadow box to put them in. The picture of her is when she was 18 years old. I don't know if she crocheted at that time, or until later in life, but I like the picture so decided to use it.

The rest of her doilies I am storing in an acid-free storage box, in between some acid-free tissue paper.

I don't know if she can see what I did from wherever she is, but I hope she likes it.

Scarf

2009-02-01T20:10:00.003-05:00

Pattern is from the book Positively Crochet by Mary Jane Hall. I'm not sure if I will wear it anywhere, but I think it's pretty.

Women's magazines

2009-01-31T20:20:00.002-05:00

I am tired of them. I am canceling my subscriptions to Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Glamour, and others because they are all the same. They are always about dieting - how to get a better body, lose weight, or whatever. They tell us to be happy with the body we have, but then there are pages of weight-loss tips, diets, exercise, etc. THEN, in the back of the magazine they have recipes for chocolate cake, cookies, etc. WTF? I am tired of being told I should be happy with my body the way it is, but then have to go through pages and pages of "before" and "after" pictures of happy women who lost weight and now feel like their life can begin, or feel like they have more self-worth because they are thin, declaring that they will never let themselves get like that again (gee thanks, I sure feel better about myself now that you have basically told me that I am gross).

I am going into therapy soon to try to figure out why I crave chocolate and sugary foods, why I have no willpower, and why I feel the way I do about the world. I don't need these stupid magazines to make me feel worse.

Nosewarmers???

2009-01-12T11:10:00.009-05:00

I had never heard of them, but a friend of mine was reminiscing about them - she said in the '60's they were all the rage. So I found a knitting pattern online, but couldn't master the wrap stitch. I decided to use Tunisian crochet to make my own pattern. If you want it just comment and I will add it to this post later.

You must have a basic knowledge of Tunisian crochet, only because I am terrible at writing directions and can't fathom how to describe Tunisian crochet!

Treif's new poncho

2009-01-12T11:06:00.003-05:00

I made Treif a "Martha Stewart Poncho" from the Lion brand website. Not sure he is that thrilled about it.

Stuff bugging me lately...

2008-12-30T21:10:00.002-05:00

1) Those commercials for chewing gum where women are tempted by cookies, but then they pop a piece of gum in their mouth and are satisfied. Yeah, right. I would be MUCH HAPPIER with a piece of gum than a cookie.

2) Going to the recycling place and finding that someone dumped obviously unrecycleable stuff there (like tv sets, electronic stuff, etc.). People are idiots. They just don't care.

3) The worst drivers EVER are out during the day. Everytime I go out during the day, I arrive back home amazed that I made it back alive.

Crochet baskets

2008-12-08T16:30:00.004-05:00

Made a couple of baskets with scrap yarn. I am obsessed now with getting rid of my excess yarn. The pink-colored basket was made with at least 5 full skeins of Lilly Sugar n Cream; I don't know why I bought all of that yarn and it was just sitting there.

The green basket, is smaller and I ran out of yarn (you can see it at the top edge). Oh well.

Pygmy Puffs

2008-11-26T14:10:00.003-05:00

I made these from this website, but altered it just a bit (used different yarn, more or less stitches, etc.). Also made up a couch and two chairs on the fly. I could have done better but was in a hurry!

Mid-life crisis

2008-11-25T21:17:00.002-05:00

I joined Facebook the other day. I already heard from my college roommate - it turns out she just had a baby. It was so odd; I was looking at her profile pictures and thinking, "I wonder whose baby that is - it must be her sister-in-law's" before a few hours later realizing OH MY GOD - that is HER baby! I am so happy for her, but at the same time it really depressed me. Life is changing, people are changing, and I don't like it one bit. My parents are in their late 70's now, my nieces and nephews are growing up, and I am still the same at 42 years old.

Maybe going on Facebook was not such a good idea. I prefer to remember people as when I used to know them - to imagine they are still the same, still young, still single and still having the same interests they had. It seems to be a shock to my system to see someone I knew as being carefree and wild as a wife and mother now. Maybe the fact that I am still the same is what is bothering me. I have not changed at all except more pounds and more lines on my face.

A dog and his cart

2008-11-02T12:01:00.004-05:00

He only walks around in circles in the cart, but at least he can get some exercise that way.

I always know he is feeling good when his ears are facing forward (like in the picture). When they're down or back, I know something is wrong.

I am 42 and tired.

2008-10-17T12:41:00.003-04:00

I turn 42 today. I still feel and act much younger, but one thing is that I am so, so tired all the time. I don't know if life is getting me down, or if I need to adjust my meds. I just want to go home and lie under the covers and snooze.

I certainly have a lot going on that is depressing, so I guess it's no wonder I am feeling this way. I can't really say what, because I don't want to write about something that is so personal and have it all out there for all to see (not that I get many visitors to this site).

One thing I can say, and I have on previous posts, is my dog not being well. I think he is losing the feeling in his left front leg now, and also having mini-seizures, or at least periods of agitation that are very severe. They don't last long, thank goodness. He is such a good dog, I feel so bad for him.

I has been one year

2008-10-09T13:22:00.003-04:00

It has been one year since I had to put Ladybug to sleep. The time has flown by fast. I have been dreading this day - but now that it is here I realize something. I remember thinking about the two week anniversary of her death, and later the "three-month anniversary" of her death, etc. etc. I know today is the one year "anniversary", but to me it is just another day without her. I remember her every single day and still think about the events of that day, so the fact that it has been one year doesn't make me any more sadder than I already was.

More stuff

2008-10-02T11:54:00.003-04:00

2008-09-18T12:10:00.010-04:00

I don't say much about my dog Treif anymore, here or to anyone (except my husband and mother). Most people I have talked to have said they are not sure if I should keep him around anymore - they say he sounds like he is not enjoying life anymore, and others say taking care of him is too hard on me. That part is true. Lately I have been feeling so utterly tired... it is exhausting taking care of him, and I am pretty much the only one that does.

At this point in his life, he can no longer use his back legs, and is even getting weak in his back, so that it is hard to hold himself up. My father made him a cart to use, but he doesn't like it. He will not use it to get around the house, only to turn himself around in circles. Then he stands there, his head hanging down, as if to say "why are you doing this to me?".

I have to carry him up and down the stairs, around the house, and outside. I have a hind-end harness I use to lift his back end up so he can walk around outside. He likes that. He will actually run while he is in it too.

A few months ago I realized he was having a hard time eating. He would just lick his food and seemed to have a hard time picking it up in his mouth. So now I hand-feed him.

When I am not feeding him or walking him outside, he sits on the bed. Most of the time he will want to move around, but he can't, so whenever he wants to turn another direction, I have to help him. It is frustrating, and I am sure it is for him too. To make matters worse, he doesn't play, chew on bones, etc. - never did. It's like he never learned how (we don't know where he came from, but they thought probably from a puppy mill where he was used as a stud). So there is nothing for him to do except sleep or stare at me plaintively, which also stresses me!

During the day while I and my husband are at work, he stays in his kennel. I worry about him all day, because he can't move around by himself in there. And when he does manage to change his position, he usually maneuvers himself into a bad spot where he can't move AT ALL for the rest of the day. The poor dog! How does it feel to be stuck in the same spot for 8 hours? Sometimes I come home and he is so stiff from being in the same position all day, that it takes a couple of hours to work out the stiffness.

And last but not least, most nights he keeps me up for hours because of his restlessness. It can take over an hour to figure out how to calm him down.

But I don't think he is ready to go yet. He looks better now (and I think feels better too) then he did during the first year we had him. He had terrible skin infections, and digestive trouble, but now he is fine. He does like to eat, even though I have to hand-feed him. He seems happy when we go outside, and when I come home from work he is so happy to see me he will actually start vocalizing and then he tries to lick my face. So I can't justify making the decision that will end his life here on earth. I will just have to continue to do all I can for him, even though it is wearing on me.

I really think of this as fixing the bad karma I had from not treating some family dogs well when I was little. We had an outside dog that I didn't pay enough attention to, a lab mix with high energy, that spent his life chained to his dog house. I never (nor did my brother and sisters) EVER took him out for walks or let him loose to run around. We also had a couple of inside dogs that I used to yell at for being in my way, or making too much noise, or whatever. Those poor dogs. I hope that what I am doing for Treif makes up to them how I treated them.

A Quick Watchband

2008-09-09T21:50:00.006-04:00

I needed a new watchband and decided to just make one myself. It only took 30 minutes, making a fan stitch using size 10 crochet thread, and a size 6 hook.

Wish I could do close-ups! This picture doesn't do it justice.

Earring holder

2008-08-31T10:06:00.002-04:00

I got the idea somewhere on the internet. I bought a cheap picture frame, crocheted a border, glued it on with Elmer's, and then glued a piece of mesh in it that I got from Joann's. I set it up so that I can hang it on the wall, and when I want to get one of my earrings, I can pull the mesh out and remove them!

My Ladybug

2008-08-29T21:37:00.003-04:00

It is hard to write this through my tears - but I thought I really need to post this: I was reading this new posting at this website Angel Animals about signs your animals give you when they're ready to go. I can't stop crying, because this is exactly what Ladybug did for me, only I didn't realize it until now!

Two days before she died, I was sitting with her - she had taken up residence in my dog's kennel and would just stay there and sleep. I started crying and I asked her aloud "tell me what to do! tell me what I should do!". She looked at me, and a few minutes later got up and sat next to me. Then, later that evening (to my surprise), she came upstairs and actually jumped on the bed with me and laid on my lap. She hadn't done that in a long time. Then, after awhile, she got off my lap and laid on the bed next to Treif, and she started rolling around on her back, rubbing her face on the blanket - like she was comfortable and happy. I remember looking at her numbly, wondering if I should take a picture, and also wondering why she looked so happy.

The next day she was worse, and the next even worse, and that is when I decided to take her to the vet for her last time.

I just thought all that was an oddity at the time, but after reading the angelanimals post, I realize she was telling me she would be ok and she knew what was coming.

Read the story of the week on this posting: here. It is almost exactly what Ladybug did.

Pink doily

2008-08-26T19:27:00.001-04:00

Just like the white one a few posts below. I made it for my sister.

Black Shawl

2008-08-19T21:25:00.003-04:00

I forgot which book I got this pattern from. If you want it, just let me know.

More doilies and a cute dog

2008-08-09T22:46:00.003-04:00

Soooo depressed.....

2008-08-09T22:37:00.003-04:00

I go through these periods where I just think the whole world sucks, where only horrible things happen, and there is no hope. THEN, I get even more depressed because I know I have no reason to feel that way. I have a good life, a good place to live, a job, etc. So I feel guilty about being depressed.

My husband has had terrible tragedy in his life, yet he is an optimist. Always sees the glass half-full despite everything he has been through. I am a pessimist, always seeing the glass half-empty, or just the wrong size completely!

*Sigh* Maybe I just need a good slap in the face to make me snap out of it.

Violet doily

2008-07-25T18:26:00.009-04:00

I just love making doilies. I am so proud of this one - it was difficult to do, but I did it. I am giving it to my mother and father for their 50th wedding anniversary (violets are the flower for this particular anniversary).

Things that are deeply troubling me

2008-07-16T11:56:00.002-04:00

1) I am worried about our future. How will anyone be able to afford anything or even be able to get to work with the high gas/food prices?

2) What if the draft gets re-instituted and my nephews and step-son have to go to war?

3) My dog can't walk and I have been trying to find a wheelchair that he will use, but he hates all of them. I hate seeing him struggle to get up, and he must be so stressed that he can't do what he wants to do.

4) My sister was laid-off over a year ago and has been struggling to get free-lance work, but it doesn't sound too likely that she will be able to keep her house.

5) Rudeness of people. I am shocked at how rude and thoughtless people can be. It makes me just want to stay in my house with my animals where it is safe from other people. Which leads me to my next worry...

6) I worry that someone will violate me, by either breaking into my house or attacking me. I don't worry about it constantly but it is always in the back of my mind.

and last but not least:

7) I am deeply troubled over how I am not convinced that there is more to this life than the life here on earth. I just don't see how it is possible to "live on" after death. I read about people who are absolutely convinced that they will see their dead loved ones someday, and I wish I could be that sure myself. But I never experience anything that I would consider hard-core proof. And I hear and read about people (i.e., James Randi) that gleefully state they think people who believe in that stuff are nut jobs. How could he be that way? Is he happy that when he dies, there is nothing; he just no longer exists???

Crochet Tree and Squirrel

2008-07-06T12:23:00.004-04:00

These crochet pieces are based on the mushroom pattern and ladybug from an earlier post. I had given the mushroom to my niece and she had an idea: why don't I make a tree and have a squirrel that lives in it, in a nest? So this is what I came up with. I didn't like the canopy, but I tried 3 times to make something that would work and I am not going to do it again!

Creepy eHarmony commercial

2008-07-03T09:56:00.004-04:00

Every time I see this commercial it really creeps me out. There is a man talking about how he met his wife, Anne Marie. When I first saw him, I thought he looked like a serial killer. He speaks of how she helps keep him calm (or something like that). Then, towards the end of the commercial, he says "as long as I have her...." - as if to say, "if she leaves me, I will kill myself, or kill others or blow up something, etc. etc."

The whole commercial insinuates that you need someone in order to be happy, which I think is dangerous. Sure, it's nice to have a partner, but what about people who are single? Do they need to go on eHarmony because their life is somehow lacking just because they don't have someone?

I have always thought that if you rely on others to make you happy, you will have a hard time in life. The only person that can make you truly happy is YOU.

My First Sweater

2008-06-27T12:51:00.006-04:00

Made from a pattern in this book Crocheted Sweaters, by Susan Huxley. It was a challenge to do, because the yarn that she used in the pattern is no longer manufactured. So I had to try to match, as cheaply as possible (because I am not made of money), the type of yarn that closely resembles what is in the pattern. I went with Lion Brand Cotton Ease, which, by the way, in no way resembles the yarn the pattern calls for LOL. But it is a fantasic yarn, easy to work with, and a pleasure to use.

This book has beautiful sweaters in it, I want to make almost all of them!

A pet peeve

2008-06-17T13:26:00.001-04:00

When news reports say "so and so gave birth today to a baby girl". Why do they say "baby" girl? What, do they think they have to say that because people might think she gave birth to an ADULT girl? So they need to specifically say "baby" girl?

This has always bugged me.

A comforting quote

2008-06-14T22:22:00.003-04:00

The other day when I was reading about Skidboot the dog, I read one of the comments that someone made about animals and I really liked it. If the bible is true (word-for-word), then this is a comforting quote:

"You are So RIGHT. Animals are souls created by God and, let's face it -- as far as the Bible is concerned, only the HUMANS were kicked out of Paradise. We owe the animals alot of respect and compassion. Let's remember also that DOG backwards spells GOD -- Who is faithful to us, Loves us no matter how bad we are, would even DIE to save us from danger."

Crochet Squid

2008-06-07T22:18:00.003-04:00

Made from this pattern here. I used a size K hook, and two strands of Caron's Perfect Match, Deep Violet, so it is slightly bigger than what the pattern called for. It is not a very soft squid, but I think over time it will soften up. I made this for my nephew Ben for his birthday.

Bird Man REPOST

2008-05-18T10:34:00.000-04:00

*I am reposting this post, that I had up last year, for no particular reason other than I really like it!*

When I was growing up, my father's hobby was rehabilitating birds of prey. For instance, if someone found an injured hawk or owl, they usually brought it to the humane society, and then they would contact my Dad. He built, with his own hands, enormous cages in our backyard for the birds to stay in until they were better. He had a room in his laboratory (he was a science professor at a midwestern university, now retired) where he could xray, reset any broken bones, remove any bullets, and fix up any sort of injury. Amputations were sometimes necessary for mangled claws, and I remember an owl that lost it's eye (I can't remember the circumstances).

"Peg Leg Pete"

The birds would then stay in these cages and recover, and when he deemed them well, he would put a band on their leg and release them back into the wild. But sometimes they were not able to be released. They simply wouldn't survive in the wild with their type of disability. So he would find a bird sanctuary to take them to. I think there is one in Kalamazoo, MI (or, at least there was one when I was a kid).

I remember when I was a kid wishing that I had a "normal" home - the neighborhood kids thought we were weird (the "Adam's family" is sometimes how they referred to us) but now I know how cool it really was. I got to see birds up close like snowy owls, peregrine falcons, great horned owls, red-tailed hawks, and even birds like storks and turkey buzzards. One time we had a South American Black Hawk - I think someone had it illegally in Texas, and the authorities confiscated it and sent it to my Dad. I am not sure what ever happened to him, but his name was Zeke and he was magnificent. He had a high-pitched call that made you think you lived in the jungle. Needless to say, some neighbors didn't appreciate that!

You may be wondering, "what did these birds eat?". That was the one thing that I was uncomfortable with. My Dad would feed them rats which he got from his lab, I think. I would be taking the laundry downstairs and would walk past a rat lying there thawing. It became normal after awhile, but still weird. Also, the birds would sometimes eat meat from the meat market. One time, my Mom and I went to the market because she needed to get a cow's heart for my Dad to feed the buzzard. So she ordered it, and the guy behind the counter gave her a look (after all, how many people order cow hearts?). So she said, "Oh, it's not for us. It's for our buzzard." As if THAT was a "reasonable" explanation. I was so embarrassed.

During the winter, sometimes my Dad would bring birds into our basement (there were cages set up there too). One time my mother went downstairs to get the laundry, and there it was, a buzzard sitting there on the table looking at her. Apparently, it had escaped from it's cage. So she called my Dad to come get him. She wasn't even fazed at all. Doesn't EVERYONE have a buzzard in their basement?

Another shawl

2008-05-17T19:37:00.004-04:00

It turned out to be too small for me, so I decided to give it to my niece Kelly when she turns 8 in September. A lessoned learned: when a pattern gives you a gauge, they really mean it! Pay attention to it or you can end up with a miniature.

What I forsee for the future

2008-05-16T14:28:00.002-04:00

I see someday, maybe soon, that families will have to move in together in order to make ends meet. It will be just like it was way back when - people of different generations all living together under the same roof. Working jobs with low pay - but everyone pitching in will make it possible to survive.

I see more people finding alternate transportation. More people will ride bikes to work, take the bus, carpool, etc.

I see the rich getting even richer, and the poor getting even poorer.

I see me going crazy one day and deciding to go live with my sister - and getting a job at McDonald's so I will be able to help buy food and pay the bills. I see me getting a small amount of retirement money each month and blowing it on frivolous purchases - those impulse-buys that provide momentary happiness. Each day will be lived for those brief moments of happiness.

Isn't he precious?

2008-05-08T10:27:00.005-04:00

The last time he was really sick, we had him bundled up on the bed with us. The bed had no blankets because I had to strip it because he peed on it! He had had a seizure on the bed and lost control.

Spool-Knit Headband

2008-05-04T16:20:00.007-04:00

Remember learning how to do this when we were children? I remember making my own spool out of an empty spool of thread, with nails for the prongs (hopefully, in 2nd grade, they didn't make us hammer our own nails into the spool). I decided today to make some headbands I can wear in my unruly hair - I just make three knit tubes, about 23" long each. Then tie them together and braid. Easy!

The Good Old Days

2008-05-04T13:43:00.007-04:00

I took this picture sometime in 2001. *Sigh*

Spider face finished

2008-04-30T13:55:00.002-04:00

Crochet Mushroom and Ladybug

2008-04-30T11:39:00.005-04:00

This pattern is from here and here and isn't it adorable? I wish I had thought of it myself. I plan on giving this to one of my nieces that likes Ladybugs.

Crochet snake

2008-04-22T11:48:00.004-04:00

This is a snake I crocheted for my nephew. It is supposed to be modeled after his favorite Neopet, Cobrall. So I used freeform crochet and a little bit of embroidery (BAD embroidery, but it will do) for the eyes. And the side head flaps look more like ears, but I don't feel like taking them off and doing them over!

Doilies

2008-04-04T20:49:00.004-04:00

I really like making them, but who uses them anymore? They are really more like works of art. This doily I made from a pattern in the book Crocheted Lace, by Pauline Turner. There are many more patterns (or Motifs) in this book I would like to make. Maybe I will make a big tablecloth.

Crochet Spider

2008-03-25T20:35:00.007-04:00

I feel like my blog is now turning into a crochet blog! I become more obsessed with crochet everyday.

Anyway, when I was a child, I crocheted a spider - I just did it as I went along (I guess that would be "freeform" crochet?). Here is a picture of it (it is over 25 years old, so it isn't in great shape!).

On Sunday I decided to see if I could still do it - so I crocheted this black spider. However, I am at a loss as to what to do with it's face. I need advice! Does anyone have any ideas? Should I do the same thing as with my old spider, with felt eyes?

Tunisian stitch shawl

2008-03-19T13:01:00.005-04:00

I bought these really cool Easy Tunisian Cable Hooks on ebay a few months ago. They are sizes M, N, and P which are large hooks that you don't see very often with cable hooks.

When I received the package I took out one of the hooks, and it immediately broke! The end of the hook, where the cable connects, just snapped. Later, when I was using one of the other hooks, it too snapped, in the same place. I emailed the woman who sold it to me, and she gave me a discount. She looked into it and found out that the company (Annie's Attic) had discontinued the item (perhaps because of design flaws??).

So I bought some Duck Tape (yes, Duck Tape, not Duct Tape) and taped the cable back to the hook, and was able to make one of the patterns that came in the package. The Duck Tape surface is smooth and didn't "catch" any of the yarn as it glided over the hook, so there were no problems with the yarn getting caught or frayed.

Black Elk quote

2008-03-09T14:02:00.002-04:00

I was reading a book called "Goodbye, Friend" by Gary Kowalski (about losing a pet) and saw this quote:

"We should understand well that all things are the work of the Great Spirit. We should know the Great Spirit is within all things: the trees, the grasses, the rivers, the mountains, and the four-legged and winged peoples; and even more important, we should understand that the Great Spirit is also above all these things and peoples. When we do understand all this deeply in our hearts, then we will fear, and love, and know the Great Spirit, and then we will be and act and live as the Spirit intends" - Black Elk

More information on Black Elk is here.

Food

2008-03-07T10:40:00.004-05:00

I love to eat. I mean I REALLY love to eat. What is it about food that is so appealing? I know we need to eat food for its nutrients, and shouldn't that be the only reason? Ancient people ate food to survive. I eat food because it tastes good. Often during the day I think about what I could eat next, when I could eat next... and it most often involves food that has lots of sugar. I can't drink just water. It has to be water filled with sugar (i.e., Kool-Aid, or Soda). I can't eat just a granola bar, it has to be a granola bar filled with sugar and chocolate.

Chocolate. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't eat any. I keep chocolate bars in the pantry in case I am seized with the urge to eat chocolate. I keep chocolate chips in the refrigerator, and eat handfuls of them at various times during the day. I feel like it is "fuel" or something.

Growing up, my parents let me and my siblings eat pretty much what we wanted. Food was always a big part of our family, especially sugary foods. I know now, that it was their way of saying they loved me, and perhaps I still eat sugary foods because I equate it with love. I am not big on psychotherapy anymore, since I have been through lots of it and still don't feel like it has helped, but there may be something to it in this case.

Am I neurotic?

2008-02-18T19:48:00.002-05:00

I was just thinking this morning that I am feeling so overwhelmed in my job and I don't know how much longer I can do it. Then I get an email from the boss that says I might be getting a big raise because of my excellent performance last year. Doesn't he know how much I suck? I make mistakes all the time and leave early at every opportunity (to rush home to my dog). Then another thought comes to me: my job is SWEET! It is never the same day to day, so it's not boring. I have a cool boss who lets me do my job and doesn't micromanage. So what am I complaining about?

Also, I know that I should be getting over the death of my cat, but I still cry and obsess over it often. I miss her so much. Sometimes I can't stand it. I desperately wish that she exists somewhere and is ok. I feel like I just HAVE to know if there is an afterlife or I will just go nuts and will have to be shipped off to an insane asylum. How can I live this life knowing there might not be anything after this life, that we just cease to exist? What is the point of anything then? How do people who have lost their loved ones go on? I don't want to hear from people that she was just a cat - I grieve over her the same as I would a person. A loss is a loss.

So, these are the things that have been going on in my mind lately. I guess the answer is yes, I am neurotic.

Recent crochet projects

2008-02-05T14:22:00.000-05:00

If you want to know where I got the patterns, just let me know. I made up the pot holder pattern - it is Tunisian crochet. Also, the snakes pattern is mine too (made up, I don't remember how I did it).

Three months have gone by...

2008-01-15T11:59:00.000-05:00

since Ladybug died. I still think a lot about the periods up to and after her death. In the days after she died, a few things happened around the house that made me wonder:

1) My husband felt a cat walking on him one evening when no cat was there.
2) My husband saw a cat out of the corner of his eye jumping on a table, but when he looked directly, nothing was there.
3) We heard a loud crash downstairs - turned out it was a kitchen chair that fell over backwards. That has never happened before in the almost 5 years we have lived there. I don't think it was my other cat, because as I heard the crash, I sat up and saw her sitting in the hallway. I don't think she could have knocked the chair over and made it up the stairs that fast.
4) We had problems with our television. The sound would go out for no reason. After turning the channel and then going back, the sound would work again. This went on for about a week and then stopped. Nothing like that had ever happened before and since.

I was also despairing that I hadn't dreamed of Ladybug. I believe that sometimes dreams can be a way to contact "the other side". But then I finally did have a dream about her a few weeks ago. I was very concerned during the day about my father, who had been taken to the hospital with severe intestinal bleeding. He is in his upper 70's and in poor health, so I was worried that "this was it". That night, I dreamed very vividly all kinds of things, in a dream-within-a-dream. I remember being at my Dad's house, and he was taking all the furniture out of his den (as if he was moving somewhere), and I remember thinking in the dream "why is he doing that? he is not dead yet!"; then I was still at their house and making sure they weren't getting taken advantage of by some workers remodeling the house - I was yelling at people! - that is not something I would do normally; then later in the dream I saw Ladybug. I called her to me and she jumped on my lap. I remember petting her and remarking how good she looked - she had gained her weight back - I remember thinking in the dream "maybe she won't die now". In the dream, she still had her shaved tummy (where she had it shaved for her ultrasound about a month before she died). I was so happy she looked healthy again.

Then, I remember waking up from my dream within-a-dream and seeing something approach me to my left. I was lying in bed (in my dream) and I looked and my father was standing there smiling. I said "Hey, how are ya?" and he said "great!" and leaned down to hug me. I then freaked out, thinking, he must be dead if I am dreaming this (all along knowing I was dreaming in my dream - it is hard to explain). I struggled awake. My husband said I was yelling in my sleep. It was about 4:00 am, and I didn't fall back to sleep the rest of the night.

I felt a general sense of "everything is ok" after being awake for awhile but at the same time an apprehension that my father really was dead.

It turned out though, that he is fine now, and the bleeding was from an ulcer that they found in his intestine.

This dream is still vivid weeks later. I have not dreamed of Ladybug since. Some have told me that Ladybug came to me in my dream to comfort me because I was worried about my father, to show me that all will be ok and that there is more to this life. I would like to believe this.

Ladybug's ashes were buried at this pet cemetary, Pet Rest, and I plan on going to visit in a few months. I miss my little Bug-Bug.

Do you believe in psychics/mediums/spiritualists?

2008-01-06T19:59:00.000-05:00

I know not many people read this blog. But I was just curious to hear, from those that do read this blog, if they have had any experiences that have convinced them that they are indeed for real.

My husband gets very angry when he hears of people that claim to be able to "talk to the dead" - he calls them charletons, who take advantage of people when they are vulnerable. He thinks it's all a load of crap; psychics are just people who are very good at cold readings, and they just give out general information that could be true for anybody. He insists that John Edwards, Sylvia Browne, and James Van Praagh have all been proven to be frauds.

I have never had any personal experiences, but I do hope that this world is not all that there is and that we continue on.

My Sick Dog

2007-12-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

I have had my dog Treif for 1 1/2 years, and he has been steadily losing the use of his back legs ever since I got him. I took him to numerous vets who generally agreed that he has some kind of neurological problem. I was surfing the net yesterday and came across this web page here

and it exactly describes what is happening to him.

He drags his feet when he walks, I have to put bandages on his paws because they scrape against the ground and get raw and bloody. He can't get up from a sitting position without a little help; he struggles to pull himself up with his front legs. It is easier for him if he is on a carpeted surface. He sleeps a good portion of the day and when he is awake, I carry him everywhere (up and down the stairs, to the door, to his food bowl, etc.). He also has a little bit of dementia; not severe, but sometimes he seems to "forget" how to eat out of his food bowl (I hand-feed him until he catches on) and he will, when he is "walking" around, go and get caught in a corner or something and he can't figure out how to get out. He also gets very agitated, mostly in the middle of the night, and I try everything I can think of to calm him. It usually takes all night and leaves me with only a few hours of sleep a night.

We bought him a cheap wheelchair on ebay, but it just doesn't work for him. It is too bulky and heavy and hard for him to move around in. I need something lighter for him, but those cost $300 and upwards.

I get burned-out taking care of him. It is exhausting and it seems I can't do anything or go anywhere without making sure he will be ok while I am gone, or finding someone (i.e., my husband) to watch him while I am gone. For instance, he quite often will wake up and thrash around and fall off the bed, so we need to be around to make sure that doesn't happen. Or he will often start whining pitifully and needs to be comforted (I sure hope that when I am at work all day he sleeps ok in his cage, but I have a feeling he whines all day because he is lonely :(

But I love those moments when he is mentally in a good place, where he will lick my nose and wag his tail (sort of) when he sees me. I love him so much!

2007 Bad Year for Pets I Know

2007-12-02T08:47:00.000-05:00

1) February: On my boss's birthday, his dog died. Two days before her birthday, my co-worker's young cat died.

2) March: Pet food recalled for melamine contamination. Possibly thousands of pets killed or sickened. My dog is one of the sickened.

3) June: My brother's young dog collapses and dies of a heart ailment.

4) July: Five days before her birthday, my sister's cat died.

5) October: Eight days before my birthday, my cat died.

My caricature

2007-11-20T10:54:00.000-05:00

I had never had my caricature drawn before, until this past Sunday. She put Ladybug, Cricket, and Treif in the picture too and is having me knit. I think she made me look way better than I really do. And I am skinny in the picture too!

It's all about money

2007-11-20T10:29:00.000-05:00

As the weeks go by, and I replay in my mind over and over the events leading up to Ladybug's death, I realized a few things. I am still angry when I think about this one vet I took her to, about two years ago when I first started noticing she was losing weight, who basically pooh-poohed my concern. After the blood tests came back, and they were normal, she told me it was a behavioral problem. Another year went by and at Ladybug's next physical she had lost even more weight. A different vet (at the same practice) told me she appeared to be having some sort of absorption problem and I should give her probiotics and more easily digestable food. A few months later, only then did another vet suggest that it might be something like IBS or cancer.

At this point, I was faced with hundreds (if not thousands) more dollars I had to cough up if I wanted to find out what was going on. It would entail surgery, biopsies, more blood tests, etc. I thought that would be way too hard on her (and also I didn't want to go into credit card debt) and decided to treat her as if she had IBS. Finally, an ultrasound at yet another vet a few months later revealed a large mass in her small intestine which she thought was probably cancer. By then it was too late, all I could do was make her comfortable.

If it wasn't for the money... if I had tons of money I would have done everything in my power to figure out what was wrong earlier. I would have taken her to a vet that specializes in cats only (they would have recognized how serious weight loss is). In fact, the vet that ended up euthanizing her was a cats only vet, and I used to go to her but stopped going because of how expensive she was. I went to her desperate to save Ladybug, but instead, shaking her head, said that Ladybug had only a few days to live, at best.

If it wasn't for the money... no expense would have been spared, and at the very least, she would have been able to stay with me much longer, and at best, I could have treated her with chemo and radiation and it could have cured her and she would still be here.

My crochet and knit projects

2007-11-04T09:31:00.000-05:00

Since Ladybug's death (and even before), I have been madly working on one project after another. I love to crochet (knit - not so much - but I will if I have to), and it is very relaxing and takes my mind off more troubling things.

Wow, there are even more I have done, but these are just a few.

Still devastated

2007-10-26T20:48:00.001-04:00

I haven't been able to look at my blog since she died. Sometimes I try to peek, but I see her picture and the tears start to flow.

I wanted to write, however, about that day, the day she died. I had gotten up in the morning to go to work, and I offered her a fresh, open can of tuna. She turned her head away. I knew then I had to do something. At the time, I wasn't thinking of euthanasia; I just wanted to get her to a vet and I thought maybe they could put an i.v. in her or something (to hydrate and nourish her).

In the early afternoon at work, I was able to get an appointment for a cat doctor to see her. I went home at 1:00 and I picked her up from where she was sitting (she was still in the same place as when I left her at 8:00 am) and took her upstairs and put her on my lap. I patted her rump, something she always liked, and waited for the appointment. I even fell asleep at one point. Had I known then that that would be the last time I would have her on my lap, I wouldn't have slept! I would have cherished every moment.

When it was time for the appointment I put her in her carrier and told her, "no matter what happens, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER". In the car I told her how much I loved her, how pretty she was, and I sang to her the Bug-Bug song (where I chant Bug-Bug-Bug, Bug-Bug-Bug etc. to the tune of Jingle Bells). I often sang the Bug-Bug song to her (from her name, Ladybug) since the time I got her.

Normally on trips to the vet, she would protest (meow or jiggle the door), but this time she just sat there, her beautiful eyes looking out the windows. I will never forget that.

At the vet, she didn't like when the vet was examining her. She tried to get back in her carrier. When the vet was finished, she gave it to me straight: Ladybug was at death's door and would probably not live another two days. At the moment, she was not in much pain - but she would be soon. She was jaundiced, dehydrated, anemic, and weighed only THREE pounds. When the vet palpated her abdomen, she couldn't even tell the organs apart - the cancer was seemingly growing them together into an indistinguishable mass. I knew this was it.

As soon as we decided that she was to be euthanized, Ladybug laid down on the examining table looking around. She was so calm. I was wondering why she wasn't trying to get back in her carrier. Maybe it was just because the vet was no longer touching her, I don't know. While the vet went to get the paperwork for me to sign, I crouched down and talked to her. I asked my guardian angels to please look after her. I asked Ladybug to please come and visit me. When I was talking to her, she looked straight at me, and then looked above my head and then to her left. I wondered if she could see anything, or was she just looking at the posters on the wall??

The vet injected her in her hind end, and then placed her on a towel and handed her to me. I sat with her until she was asleep. She was in a deep sleep, and the last time I ever saw her was when the vet took her from me and I saw that her eyes were wide open, yet she was asleep. In another room the vet administered the final injection and then came to tell me she was gone. It was probably the most devastating thing I had ever gone through. Not even the deaths of my grandparents or a friend from high school affected me as much. I cried as I have never cried before. When I got home my husband was afraid to leave me (he had an evening meeting to go to) for fear I would do something to myself. He had a friend call me to make sure I was ok.

I am grieving deeply for Ladybug. I miss her so much, that sometimes I don't want to live without her. I know I must. I have people and other animals that need me. But I wish I could just be in spirit too so I could be with her. I cry almost daily. What is also distressing is that I had asked for her to visit me when she was in spirit, but I have not detected anything from her. Not even a dream. My husband said that one night he could feel a cat walking on him (NOT my other cat Cricket - she weighs 15 pounds and he would have known the difference) and the other evening he saw a cat jump on a table out of the corner of his eye, but there was no one there when he looked directly.

If that is her, why is she not appearing to me? I do want to believe that this life is not all there is, but it is so hard to when you don't see/hear/smell/sense any evidence.

On top of all this is the guilt I have for various reasons: 1) I should have tried harder to help her. When she was first losing weight I should have kept questioning what the vets were telling me (her blood tests were always perfect, so they told me it was probably nothing to worry about) and 2) I should have paid more attention to her. When I got the dog, I was so tied up in all his health problems that I virtually ignored her. And 3) I am grieving for a cat, when there are thousands of people dying every day in this stupid war in Iraq, in Darfur, Afghanistan, you name it. Also the hundreds of thousands of people that have no place to live, or live below the poverty line, etc. etc. I could go on and on.

So grieving for a cat may seem silly, but it is my reality and it HURTS.

~ 1994 - October 9, 2007

2007-10-09T20:35:00.000-04:00

Rest in peace my baby.

Is the waiting the hardest part?

2007-10-08T19:46:00.000-04:00

She is slowly dying. She still wants to eat, but when she tries she loses interest almost immediately. When we cook, she cries for the food, but when we give her some she tries to eat it but can't. She is still drinking, but spends the rest of her days sleeping. I occasionally find poop on the carpet; evidence of painful elimination (thus she avoids the litterbox). She can jump up on some furniture, but not all. And when she jumps down she usually lands on her side and then struggles up.

So I continue to administer prednisone to her; I force-feed pumpkin to her (to help soften her bowels) and have her sit on my lap so I can pat her stomach. She seems to really like that. This is all I can do for her - and wait. Wait for her to let me know it is time (as some people have told me will happen - I doubt that), or wait for the day I wake up and find her gone.

When she is gone, will I still cry every day? Or will a weight be lifted from my shoulders - she will no longer be suffering, and I will no longer have to see her like that. Will I feel guilt and anguish for not figuring out sooner what was wrong with her? or having to euthanize her?

Today my husband asked me how my life will be different without her. I don't care how my life will be; I just care about her life. Will she go to a better place, or is there just nothing? If she does go to a better place, will anyone be there to take care of her?

She's still hanging on...

2007-10-02T10:14:00.000-04:00

Every day I wake up and wonder if she is still alive. She is hanging in there. She had been taking two doses of prednisone every day, but I reduced it to only one, because it was making her feel sicker. Now she will actually eat a little bit every day and seem interested in food. And I decided to let her eat whatever she wants. The vet said to feed her a raw canned food diet, but she was turning her nose up at it. It think it's better to eat a little bit of crappy food, than no food at all. After all, we're talking about quality of life. The raw food diet is supposed to slow the growth of the cancer, but if she is not eating it, then what is the point?

Ladybug is now so light, that when I put her on my digital scale, it stays at "0".

BTW, please ignore my ugly mug. I wasn't exactly "made-up" for the camera.

2007-09-07T21:01:00.000-04:00

In a previous post, I talked about my cat Ladybug and how she kept me up at night wanting to eat all the time. Since then I have spent almost $1000 in vet bills to figure out what is wrong with her. She got test after test, xrays, etc. and everything was always normal. However, she was losing weight (down to 5 lbs from 9 lbs) but still eating constantly.

Today she had an ultrasound and there was a large mass detected in her small intestine. It is almost certainly a cancer (lymphosarcoma). With her age (about 13) I decided not to subject her to surgery, since it would be awfully hard on her, and won't be a cure (most cancer cells from lymphosarcomas circulate into the cat's blood - the whole system is affected). Not to mention it would be another $1000 and then some. So I am treating her with steriods to try to "buy some time".

People who don't have a connection to pets just don't understand how devastating losing one is. And knowing that I will lose her probably within the next year, is going to be very hard to deal with. She is here with me now, and I can't grasp the fact that eventually she will not be here. I always had a problem with that. How can someone be here and then not be here? I am finding it difficult to express what I mean so I will end this post now.

Dog or cat?

2007-08-21T14:52:00.000-04:00

You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat

You are a nice blend of cat and dog.

You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful.

And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.

Are You More Cat or Dog?

My Grandmother

2007-08-14T14:11:00.000-04:00

She was so talented! I took this picture of a bunch of doilies she made. The picture doesn't do them justice. They are just beautiful. I keep them put away because they are too pretty to use. I plan on learning how to do this kind of thing myself (just as soon as I am through with my other crochet projects).

Boy I regret not having her teach me herself. But I was a bratty teenager at that time and I didn't care. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. I hope wherever she is now that she knows that I am so sorry.

Cars I've Owned

2007-08-13T11:35:00.000-04:00

My first car was a Reliant K! I just loved it; at the time, however, I didn't know that it was a very nerdy car to have. I remember asking the girl next door if she wanted a ride in it, and she was very polite, but I could tell she was unimpressed and even embarrassed that I asked.

My second car was a Pontiac Sunbird. I can't remember where I got it, but I know the reason I got it was because an ex-friend of mine had an older version, and I wanted to have one that was "better" than hers.

My third car was an Oldsmobile Cultlass Calais. I loved that car. I drove it for prit' near 10 years. It was in four accidents, the trunk leaked whenever it rained (a result of one of the accidents) and it didn't have any power anything (except steering), but I loved it. When I wanted to trade it in for my next car, the dealership wouldn't take it for a trade-in because it was such a piece of crap. So I gave it to my brother, who drove it another couple of years until it fell apart.

.
So my next car was a Pontiac Sunfire. I saw it when my Dad was using one for a loner car; I went right out and bought one. I loved that car too, even though it too had no power windows, locks, keyless entry, etc. It was really fun to drive. I would probably still have it if it were not for 9/11. A month after that, the country was going crazy and I decided I was worried about the economy and that buying a new car would be me doing my part. What a stupid idea. I got a Saturn L100, which was an ok car, but it had NOTHING on it. It was one of those deals that either you paid around $16,000 to have no options, or you paid in the $20,000 and above range to get the options. I couldn't afford that.

About three years later, after I got married, my husband needed to buy a new car because his had died and wasn't fixable. He wanted a Toyota. So I decided to get rid of my Saturn while I had a chance. We both picked out, unknowingly to each other, a Matrix. When I found out that was what he wanted, I let him have it and decided to get an Echo. But the dealership didn't want to sell me one of those. They had Corollas sitting on their lot that they wanted to get rid of during their 1.2% financing sale. So I picked out a Corolla. I could have at least gotten a white one (I like white cars), but NO, I got a tan one.

So this is the car I have now. Why does it bore me so? It looks great and is a fine car. Yes, I know... I am lucky to even be able to have a new car, when others can't, and I know, there are worse things in the world. But this post is about cars. Along with other self-help books I am reading about various subjects, I should be reading one about why I can't be happy and thankful for what I have, and also one on being materialistic. This car will be paid off in another year-and-a-half, and for probably the first time in my adult life I will have no car payments to make! Let's see if I can hold onto it and resist the urge to get yet another one.

More about animals...

2007-07-22T17:35:00.000-04:00

My husband emailed this to me. He found it at ritualwell.org. It made me feel better knowing some attention was paid to animals in the Torah:

Rabbinic tradition makes clear God's role as the caretaker of all forms of life: "The Holy One, blessed be God, sits and sustains [all life], from the horns of the wild oryx to the eggs of lice." (Babylonian Talmud Shabbat. 107b) "Human and creature You preserve, Adonai." (Psalm 36:7) "In whose hand is the soul of every living thing and the breath of all humankind." (Job 12:10) "You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing with favor." (Psalm 145:16).

Created in God's image, we, too, seek to sustain all life. In the Book of Samuel, the prophet Nathan tells David about the relationship of a poor man and a little lamb: "He tended it, and it grew up together with him and his children: it used to share his morsel of bread, drink from his cup, and nestle in his bosom; it was like a daughter to him." (II Samuel 12:3) Such was this man's bond of love for his animal companion. Similarly, on a daily basis, many of us take care of our precious pets, our beloved animal-children, by feeding and sheltering them, by petting, walking, and playing with them. And, at the same time, in sustaining life, we are sustained. According to Rab, the sign of protection which God gave to Cain was a dog. (Genesis Rabbah 22:12) Like Cain's dog, our devoted companions protect and take care of us not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually. Ours is gratitude and reverence for their honest and humble example, generosity of spirit, and unconditional love.

Amen.

Do spiders have souls?

2007-07-12T13:20:00.000-04:00

I know my post of June 18 was kind of a disturbing one (at least my husband didn't like it) but I was in a mood when I wrote it. I was really worried about an upcoming doctor appointment where I was to get a biopsy. It got me thinking of my own mortality (at least, I began to think about it even more than I usually do). And the last thing I needed/need is for someone to tell me that this is all there is. I suppose I should just stay away from the internet and the subject, but I can't help myself. I search for some kind of comfort, like personal accounts of ghosts and spirits which might convince me that there is something more to this life.

Other thoughts about this subject bother me, like when people claim that only humans have a soul. I believe that everything, down to insects, has some kind of "life force" - I just don't know what happens next. If I squash that spider I saw in my living room the other day, does it descend to heaven where its relatives and "God" are there to greet it? It sounds ridiculous. What about the trillions and trillions of other insects, fish, animals, one-celled organisms, etc. that exist and that EVER existed?

The only explanation that makes sense is what someone said on this site I was looking at once:

"It is said that when animals pass they return to a universal animal conciousness, but with pets, because we love them, they become part of our circle of life and therefore are waiting for us when we pass. We give them an individuality (and they give us love) that they would not have received in the wild, and therefore they become part of our circle of love and life."

What is love? Is it also a "life force" that has some kind of power? Is love really "God" then?

Clean garages

2007-07-07T21:16:00.000-04:00

What is up with people who have NOTHING in their garages (except their car)? Walking my dog tonight, I saw several where these people have absolutely nothing in there. No storage boxes, no hoses, no tools, no junk, no nothing. Are they beings from another planet? Aliens? Because I have never met a regular person who doesn't have a garage overflowing with stuff.

I don't feel grown up

2007-06-29T21:37:00.000-04:00

At what point does one feel like a grown-up? I am 40 years old, and I am at the age that when I was a kid, seemed ancient. I still feel like I am a teenager. I drive a car that has a steering wheel cover that has lady bugs and flowers on it, there are stuffed animals in my back seat, and cute dangling things hanging from my rear view mirror. The other day it occurred to me that some might think my car belonged to a 16 year-old. But that is the way I want it.

When shopping, I am always drawn to toys and stuffed animals. One thing I like to do is look through the toy aisles at all the cool stuff kids can get now-a-days. I would have loved it!

Maybe it's because I never had my own children. They say that makes you grow up quick! I have only ever had myself to take care of. Now that I am married and a stepmother, it is taking me awhile to get it through my head that I have others that need me now, so I need to step up.

Anyway, this was just something I was thinking about earlier this evening. I wonder if others feel the same way I do.

I am mad at the atheists

2007-06-18T19:32:00.000-04:00

I am just so mad right now. Why do atheists seem so happy when declaring their belief that there is nothing after life?

A little background: I have always been fearful of death, since I was a kid. I remember lying in bed in the dark and realizing that someday I will not exist, and it was painful thinking about it. I had to shake my head and desperately try to think of something else to make me feel better. Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep about it.

I've lost my grandparents, my favorite aunt, a few childhood friends, and many pets to death, and I just can't grasp the fact that they do not exist now. I feel like they just went somewhere else - where, I don't know.

Anyway, I read a lot of books on NDE's hoping something would comfort me and convince me that I have nothing to worry about. In the present, I do a lot of internet searches to find something to make me feel better. This is where I get angry: the majority of the sites I find are by people spouting their beliefs that when you die, that is it, you simply don't exist anymore, and your essence doesn't exist either. They are so firm in their beliefs that they seem almost gleeful about it. Gee, so you're happy that all you're going to be in the end is worm-food? I don't understand it.

Why can't people admit that they can't be sure about this? The universe is so vast and seemingly unending, we couldn't possibly grasp the magnitude - why do we presume to think that this place is all there is? Isn't it conceivable, even a little bit, that there could be more than this life on earth? And isn't it conceivable that we could be a part of it too?

STOP MAKING ME FEEL BAD!

Things that make me happy

2007-06-13T12:08:00.000-04:00

By nature, I am such a negative person. That is the way I was raised. My father was constantly worried about "what could go wrong" and he never really trusted anyone, and so that is how I came to have my negative attitude. Or maybe it was genetics and it couldn't be helped.

Anyway, I was sitting here thinking that I should really try to overcome my negative thoughts - let's see what I come up with:

1. Chocolate. This includes hot fudge sundaes, chocolate cake, even semi-sweet chocolate. Generally, anything covered in chocolate is good.
2. Hearing my dog and my husband snoring. For some reason, it is comforting. They seem happy and content when they're sleeping and that makes me happy too.
3. Watching my cats and my dog eat, play, and sleep. They're so cute.
4. Knitting and crocheting. When I make something that looks really good, I get a great sense of accomplishment. And when the person I give it to is really happy about it, that makes me happy too.
5. Taking photographs. I have tons of digital photos of my nieces and nephews, and of course, my animals!
6. The smell of fresh, cut grass.
7. Watching my flowers on my patio bloom.
8. Shopping!
9. Seeing fireflies light up in the evenings.
10. Hearing the crickets and tree frogs on a quiet night.

That was really hard. For a pessimist, I really had to sit and think hard. But maybe if I practice everyday it will become easier. Yeah, right. Oops...there's that "stinkin' thinkin'" again. Dammit!

Happiness is...

2007-05-07T19:47:00.000-04:00

watching my pets sleep. Their cuteness, their obvious comfort, makes me wish I could curl up and sleep all day too.

My bedroom through the years

2007-04-18T16:03:00.000-04:00

I lived with my parents until I was around 31 (!!) - I just didn't make enough money to live by myself, and I didn't date at all so I never met someone to marry or move in with. The other day, I was going through some old pictures and found several of my bedroom during three distinct decades. They are:

The 1970's:
Pink shag carpeting! Yuck!
You should see one of the walls (not shown) - it was wall-papered in pink, yellow, red, blue, and green flowers so bright it could blind you. We used to accidentally get silly putty in the carpet and my mom would be so mad.

The 1980's:

I guess yellow isn't too bad of a color for a room. We took out the pink shag carpeting and refinished the hardwood floors.

The 1990's:

You can never go wrong with white. I am not sure I like the wallpaper anymore. I like blinds more than curtains. Wish I could afford them in the house I have now!

Of course, the pictures above were taken at their cleanest and most orderly. The following pictures represent what it usually looked like (at least in the 1970's). We called it "Wild Kingdom":

People suck

2007-04-17T14:35:00.000-04:00

You Are 67% Misanthropic

Here's the truth: Most people suck. You are just lucky enough to know it.

You're not ready to go live alone in a cave - but you're getting there.

How Misanthropic Are You?